jensen authenticity

Happy New Year.

2012-01-04T23:18:00.000-05:00

This is a true story that happened on this day in 2000.

My sophomore year in college there was this guy in my ward named Steve. He was a nice guy. One day I noticed that in the place where his left ear should be, there was only a little flap of skin, like just a lobe, not an ear. Of course I never mentioned it, because I'm a nice girl. But on January 4th when everyone was coming back to school after the break I saw him and said hi. He was all excited and said, "Do you notice anything different about me?" Right away I looked at his ear and noticed that instead of just a lobe, there was a real ear. But then it was weird, I was afraid that if I said, "Hey you have an ear!" He would feel bad, like I define him by his lobe or something, so I just asked him if he'd had a haircut. "Yeah I got a haircut!" he said, "Because I don't need to hide my ear behind my hair anymore, I had a surgery over the break and I got a new ear!" "Oh, wow, hey it looks nice." Well since he brought up the ear, I thought it was okay to lighten things up a bit and without thinking I said, "Hey it looks great! I guess I should wish you a 'Happy New Ear!"

Crickets.

Then came the part when I had to explain my joke. And you know how when you explain a joke it isn't really funny any more? Well, this was not the case. This was one of those jokes, that was sort of clever, but when you have to explain it, it becomes hilarious.

Steve married a girl named Lisa. And I couldn't help but call her Lisa Lobe.

Get it?

Lobe?

Like an ear lobe?

You know, and the singer?

Ah forget it.

Happy New Ear To All.

Am I THAT sister?

2011-12-21T16:03:00.000-05:00

Or are they just jerks?

I'm not tryna go all Franklin Covey on the family. I'm just trying to plan a family picture so we don't have a bolo tie incident.

See below.

Family pictures
Inbox
x

Angela Jensen

2:41 PM (1 hour ago)

to Shirley, Bud, David, Katherine, Lesley, Elliot, Jordan, Camilla, Lydia, Dallin, Emma, Pete

Just wanted to show you the colors I found for our family to wear for the pictures. I also got little polo shirts for Walker, Jake, and Maxwell (but if you guys don't like them, my feelings wont' be hurt) So we're kind of going with an aqua, navy, and white thing. I think that if you guys found light blue, or lime green, that would be cute too. I also think a cute guy outfit would be a white collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up and khaki shorts. Dad, as you can see, none of the Jensen family stuff really matches with your Aloha shirt. Just sayin'

-Ang

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Angela Jensen <a
Date: Wed, Dec 21, 2011 at 2:31 PM
Subject:
To: Angela Jensen

Sent from my iPhone

photo.JPG
2469K View Download

Bud Scruggs

2:58 PM (56 minutes ago)

I brought 7 Aloha shirts with me. I'm sure one will work. And wait till you s...

David Scruggs

3:03 PM (54 minutes ago)

to Forward, me, Shirley, katherine.scru., lesleyjane84, esluckyday, Jordan_owen84, camillaowen, Lydia, Dallin, Emma, peterjensen

What about something like this picture below, but instead of all green collars the boys do green, light blue, navy and white?
I'll stop by Abercrombie tonight so send me your sizes.
Angela, do you still get your discount at A&F?

2 attachments — Download all attachments

image.png
561K View Download

ATT00001.txt
2K View Download

Lydia Scruggs

3:08 PM (48 minutes ago)

to David, Forward, me, Shirley, katherine.scru., lesleyjane84, esluckyday, Jordan_owen84, camillaowen, Dallin, Emma, peterjensen

I think blue looks really good on all of us, a nice denim blue. Looks good with the ocean.

2 attachments — Download all attachments

image.png
68K View Download

ATT00001.txt
2K View Download

Elliot S

3:31 PM (25 minutes ago)

to Lydia, David, Forward, me, Shirley, katherine.scru., lesleyjane84, Jordan_owen84, camillaowen, Dallin, Emma, peterjensen

I thought this was funny.

Elliot S

3:33 PM (23 minutes ago)

to Lydia, David, Forward, me, Shirley, katherine.scru., lesleyjane84, Jordan_owen84, camillaowen, Dallin, Emma, peterjensen

I think we could do this?

David Scruggs

3:44 PM (12 minutes ago)

to Elliot, Lydia, Forward, me, Shirley, katherine.scru., lesleyjane84, Jordan_owen84, camillaowen, Dallin, Emma, peterjensen

That solves the shirt question!

Sent from my iPhone

Click here to Reply, Reply to all, or Forward

I get it.

2011-12-09T15:58:00.000-05:00

Two posts in two days. I know. This one's for my Dad who took a job in Australia. He still lives in Utah, he's just commuting right now. No joke. It's a 24 hour commute. I think he loves Aussies so much because they remind him of me.

This is like a regular thing with me. I tell a joke that is only funny to me, and then I fall apart laughing. Partly because it's awkward to be laughing at my own jokes, but mostly because my joke is so hilarious.

The next time you see me, ask me to tell you the story about my friend Jon at the dojo in Venezuela, and you'll see what I mean.

Get Outta My Head Alec

2011-12-08T22:02:00.000-05:00

Three months ago I was traveling alone with five children. I was flying from SLC to IAD with a layover in Texas or Minnesota or something. The first leg of the flight went off without a hitch thanks to my friend melatonin. But when I went to board the plane for the second leg of the flight, I had a 20 month old on one hip and his car seat in the other, the flight attendant said, "I don't think that car seat is FAA approved."

"What? This is the 4th flight I've taken this month with this car seat."

"Lemme check and see if it has an FAA sticker. Nope. No Sticker. That thing is not getting on my plane."

Yes, the flight attendant called it her plane.

I argued for like 3 more minutes, but I was in a vulnerable state and my kids needed me, so I had to fly with Ezra non-restrained. Which was a nightmare, he screamed for over two hours. Fortunately we were the last 6 seats on the plane.

Unfortunately the same flight attendant that I argued with, was the same flight attendant who was in charge of the beverage cart. She served a drink to everyone on the entire plane except for my and my five children. No joke. She got to us, made eye contact, and then pulled the cart back to the front of the plane. I sat there in shock trying to figure out what to do. My kids didn't even notice so I decided not to put up a fight. I had fully intended to send an email to the customer service department, but I had actually forgotten about the entire incident until this morning when I heard about the Alec Baldwin wordswithfriendsonaplane-gate.

Does this say exactly what you were thinking or what?

Dear Alec, you and I are sympatico. Children are rude thoughtless little pigs, flying is as bad as the Greyhound bus, it's hard when you get singled out for being awesome, and Words With Friends is the best.

Way to go Baldwin, you came out ahead on this one. I agree with you on all points, except for that all my gym teachers were pretty nice. Especially Coach whats-his-name who always gave me all that personal attention helping me with my golf swing.

Happy Birthday Jordan and Ezra

2011-11-17T16:00:00.000-05:00

My baby turns 2 today. Happy Birthday Ez. It's been a rough two years, if we're being honest. I love the kid and all, but a fifth child should be easy. And he's not easy.

It's also Jordan's birthday. My sister's husband. Jordan is anything but difficult. Always easy going, never gets mad. A great guy. I should mention though, that I've never met anyone who hates BYU as much as Jordan does. This one time we were talking to Jordan, it was me, Peter, and my cousin Thomas and Jordan said, "Seriously everyone who goes to BYU is like the biggest looser on the planet. I have never met a single person who goes to the Y who is cool."
We all looked at each other and then I said, "Jordan, all three of us went to BYU."
Without missing a beat, Jordan said, "Then you know what I'm talking about! You know first hand! Have you met one person from BYU who isn't a total douche?"

Happy birthday Jor.

Thank You Genetics

2011-10-15T14:51:00.000-04:00

In an effort to get our kids to read more. We started up a system. We're gonna stick to this one I swear. The kids are keeping track of all the books they read. After five books they get a Slurpee, after ten books, they get a date with a parent. But only after they get an 'interview' from Pete where he gets to decide if they've really understood the things they read.

Jonah was the first to get to five books. So Peter called him into his office (in a very low and authoritative voice) for his book interview. They closed the doors.

About 30 minutes later, I went in to the office to sharpen a pencil. I walked through the door and Pete muttered, "Hey Ang, it's genetic" under his breath. I knew exactly what he was talking about. Jonah was recounting The Giving Tree in his own words. It takes like 10 minutes max to read that hippie book. How in the world Jonah stretched his synopsis out to 40 minutes I'll never know. What was awesome is that Pete had to listen to the entire thing. And there are two other kids that he has to do this with. As I walked out the door, I said, "Nice work Jonah, next tell him about all the chapters of Frog and Toad Forever."

Call it genetics, karma, whatever you want, but this is one system I'm keepin'.

Palladia is Depressing

2011-10-10T15:35:00.000-04:00

When have you ever watched Palladia and said to yourself, "This is awesome!" I watch it a lot, okay let me rephrase, Peter has it on a lot and I have only seen one show that was 'awesome.' Mostly I see it and feel so old that I want to start digging my own grave because the best years of my life are behind me. I have a long list of concerts that really got my down. I just saw Dave Mathews in a 2008 concert and now I'm feeling really low. Not as low as the time I watched the Devo concert a few months ago, (you know, the 80's band that sings 'Whip It'?) But I'm still pretty bummed.

2011-10-07T12:41:00.002-04:00

Source: d30opm7hsgivgh.cloudfront.net via Ashley on Pinterest

2011-09-29T15:33:00.000-04:00

Thumbing through some iphone pics I've taken over the last few months, I wanted to show you a few. I only run about once a week. I mostly just go to clear my mind. For three weeks in a row, I've found myself surrounded by such breathtaking scenery that I had to stop and take a picture.

This first one is Teasdale, UT. When I took this picture I was thinking that I would love for Peter to be able to plan a cycling trip here someday. I thought of him because I was listening to some of his music. Some of it was good, most was crap.

A little over a week later, I found myself on the other side of the country in the Outer Banks, NC. I took this because I realized that I had never been on a beach this natural looking. It was totally deserted and there were signs to watch for wild horses. Too bad I never saw any.

And then the next week I was back home, running on the same trail I go on every Friday. Isn't it pretty? I haven't been able to enjoy running as much since we moved because of my new neighbor. She's amazing in every way. When my friend Emily met her, she whispered to me, "Holy crap I would hate to be her neighbor!" If you know Emily Bell, that's sayin' somethin.' She runs almost every day and she told me that she goes with some girlfriends who only run 8 minute miles. I saw them once and she wasn't lying, and she generously left out the part where she and all her friends have 6 packs. She always invites me to join her and I keep making up excuses. I'm too proud to admit to her that I could never keep up, and I could never take off my shirt during a run.

A lot of times when I run, I think about my blog. I realize that blogs only really work if you actually update them. My problem is that, well I have a couple of problems. First, I've been busy. I have become one of those people I used to hate. You know those pretentious folks who say they're too busy to watch TV? That's me for reals. Ugh. I'm disgusted with myself. The next time you see me please cuff the back of my head. Second, I'm bored with blogging. If you start a blog with something to prove, it is only a matter of time before you'll get sick of it. That sentence will only make sense to people who have been reading since day one and know that I had something to prove. At least I thought I did. I am embarrassed about my reasons for starting to blog and now I'm not sure which direction to head. Should I delete? Redo? Or just keep on blogging aimlessly? I don't know. Cool pictures though right?

No Birthday Candles for Peter

2011-09-20T22:43:00.000-04:00

Does it shock you that Peter is a pyro? Every experience Peter has had with bottle rockets has ended badly. I could pick any number of stories to back this statement up, but it's getting late so I'll just say this. If you have a bottle rocket, but no bottle. Just forget about lighting it. If you do decide to light it. A pool noodle is not a good substitute for a bottle. Because the force of the firework will make the noodle go haywire and that flaming mother will land in the neighbors yard.

Count Down to Peter's Birthday

2011-09-16T19:07:00.000-04:00

This blog is getting so lame. Sorry. Not anymore though, just you wait.

Peter's birthday is coming up. And I'm still trying to learn how to upload our home movies so that I can make a cute video of him with music and stuff. On the off chance that that never happens, I'll just have to post some look alike videos. This clip is so close to Pete it's not even funny. Just picture the guy without hair. And you have Pete.

Okay, I know you think it's a joke, and partly it is. But has Pete ever told you a story? He tells all his stories in real time. No, slower than real time. Don't ever ask him what happened on an episode of anything. I made that mistake when he asked if I wanted to hear that the Omega Man episode of The Simpsons. 45 Minutes later . . . .

Come on Ieeeeee have to say that this song has been stuck in my head for a week.

2011-08-31T14:29:00.000-04:00

So the hurricane was wussy. And it made me mad. It ruined a trip that I had planned and my lawn is muddy. What annoyed me though was the media coverage of it all. I hate it when the news freaks out over nothing. The weather I can understand because this is the weather peoples' change to shine and they wanna milk it. But come on guys, really? Harnden's article in The Telegraph was great. Appropriately titled, "The Apocalypse That Never Was," He searched high and low through the on location weather people who tried to get themselves in the most extreme positions possible in order to get the biggest story.

The best was Tucker Barnes who went live in Ocean City, MD amid a foamy brown substance. He reported that "It didn't taste great" and had a foamy brown consistency. Spoiler alert: it turned out to be raw sewage. You have got to see this.

Enjoy your hepatitis Tucker. Hope the story was worth it.

Mesquite Nevada, A Cautionary Tale

2011-08-19T01:29:00.000-04:00

Would you expect anything less from Mesquite? On the way to California, I decided not to do the trip all in one day. So I figured Mesquite would be a good half way point. A quick Expedia search yielded a $37 per night casinotel. It was too cheap to pass up and scored surprisingly high on Trip Advisor. My story ends like this. "And thus a new term was coined, "Harrie Pottah syndrome." It's when I find my self surrounded by all sorts of ridiculous people and I am the one who feels embarrassed and out of place.

I checked in to the hotel. Then I schlepped all 5 kids through the center of the casino to get to our room. Then we all came out of our room around 10 PM in swim suits and wandered around the casino looking for the pool. Then around 11, we walked through the casino again soaking wet. Oh, then 30 minutes later we came out of our room to go to the 24 hour ice cream shop which was of course at the other end of the casino where I bough 5 cigarette smoke flavored ice cream cones. After we ate we walked back through the casino to our rooms where we went to bed and probably all developed emphysema. And during all of the walking came the looks. Here it comes, Harrie Pottah Syndrome. I found myself surrounded by the dredges of humanity, and I was the one getting the dirty looks that said, "What kind of a mother drags 5 small children back and forth through a crappy smoke and creep filled casino (that isn't even in Vegas so it's a looser casino) in the middle of the night?

I saw 400 pound lady wearing a leather bra and a mini and I felt like a bad person. I at least 7 serious contenders for Whisker Wars, and I felt like a bad person. I saw my first (and hopefully ever) case of service animal abuse when a blind man beat his seeing-eye-dog, and I was the one getting the dirty looks. Yes the blind man gave me a dirty look. I saw a old man who couldn't pull himself away from the slots long enough to tend to his massive nosebleed, and I felt like a bad person.

Oh, here's the weird thing, when my kids posed for the above pic, the only reason I asked them to stop for the shot was because I saw the most trashy and ridiculous couple of all and I wanted a picture of them. Now look and the picture! Totally empty casino! It was ghost trash. I am seriously freaked out here. Someone please tell me that you've stayed at the Casablanca Casino in Mesquite, recently, not 20 years ago, because I'm starting to get worried that I had a Sixth Sense Experience.

Harie Pottah

2011-07-20T17:17:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago when a friend sent out a mass email saying that she was getting a group together for the midnight showing of Harry Potter, I immediately responded, "I'm in!" Now there are about a hundred things wrong with this. In my defense, I've just been through a stressful move and humidity can make people do crazy things. Still, I only have my self to blame. We got to the theater around 10 and it was a zoo. And when I say zoo I don't mean crowded, when I say zoo I mean I'm not sure every ticket holder was 100% human. This is the most mild slyphone shot I took.

This is a real conversation that I had inside my head at the moment this picture was taken.

"Look at these dudes. What loosers, I mean who dresses up like this to go to a movie? They look ridiculous. Who are they supposed to be? Wait. I have no idea who they are supposed to be. What am I doing here? I am at a movie theater at midnight waiting with people to see the final Harry Potter movie and I've never even read any of the books. Have I even seen all the movies? I don't think so. I mean at least these people are excited about something they're into. I can't think of any reason that I should be here. You know what? I think the real looser is me."

I would say that 85% of the people were dressed up.
Our movie started at 12:15 and the sold out shows ran every 15 minutes for like 24 hours or something.
The girls behind me cried 5 times.

  But you know what? None of that stuff is even half as weird as the fact that I went to a midnight showing of Harry Potter and I've never read a single book. Seriously, that is so not normal. I didn't realize how silly it was until I got there, and then I felt totally dumb. There was a girl with her hair sprayed totally white carrying around a broom------and I felt dumb. There was a guy there driving a motorized scooter wearing a t-shirt that said, "muggles suck"---------- and I felt dumb. We saw a car in the parking lot whose license plate said, "slitherin,"-------and I felt dumb. Another guy had a lightening bolt on his forehead and was chanting "griff-en-dor!"------ and I felt dumb. There was a girl with too much black eyeliner wearing gold hot pants---------and I felt dumb. When we saw hot pants girl, Susan leaned over to me and said, "Who is that girl supposed to be? Uh I don't think there's anyone wearing gold hot pants in Harry Potter." And I just laughed like I knew what she was talking about, I would never have known whether or not that girl was dressed up like a HP character.

   There was a lot of me laughing at things I didn't understand that night. When vendors came into the theater selling butterbeer, I thought it was something random the movie theater had made up to appease the underage crowd. Susan told me a story about an old roomie of hers who fashioned a snitch out of a tennis ball and carried it around. I laughed like I knew what she was talking about. At one point, I made some joke about Hermione having messy hair and I almost outed myself. I really felt dumb then. The only joke I understood the entire night was when the girl next to me said, "We should have worn our 'team Jacob and team Edward' shirts." I got that.

   The movie started and I may as well have been in a different language. I had no idea what was going on. It was all blacks and whites and stream of consciousness and people looking for things I didn't understand. I was actually asleep for the middle 90 minutes of the movie. I still am not really sure who was alive and who had died when the movie ended. I felt so dumb.

   The worst part was during the 3AM drive home with Susan. She is smarter than me to begin with. I'm already always working hard to keep up with her. She was totally excited about the movie and naturally wanted to talk about it. I couldn't respond to a single one of her statements. After a few minutes she asked, "Did you read the books?"

No

Dumb dumb dumb. Not even smart enough to lie about it. The ride home got a lot quieter after that.

COB

2011-07-13T12:49:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been inside the Church Office Building? I've been there two times. The first time was when I was a kid. It's a long and random story, but the high point was the part when I named all of the Mormon Prophets for Karl Rove. So that was cool.

The next time I went, as an adult. I visited with President Eyring and President Monson. I thought that was really cool. I mean, it doesn't get much better than that right?

Wrong.

Church Office Building from Marshall Miller on Vimeo.

Guess my stories aren't that great after all.

Still Here

2011-07-08T23:49:00.000-04:00

I'm still alive, just going through a major move and dealing with choosing the wrong paint color and trying to beat strep throat before I teach aerobics in the morning. If I had time to blog, I would write two entries.

1. I was in the pharmacy last night and I seriously saw a hair product called, "Henna Placenta." No lie. Does that make anyone else want to dry heave? That wouldn't be human placenta would it? Wait a minute, what is wrong with me? A placenta is a placenta!!

2. I took my two daughters to the American Girl store for the first time today. The AG company is now on my short but growing list titled:

Emotional Manipulators of Epic Proportions.

1. Disney

2. Jack Weyland

3. Any member of the De Azevedo Family

4. The American Girl Company

I'll try and do better next week.

Don't Judge a Book by it's Shirtlessness

2011-05-27T22:17:00.000-04:00

Fedora, swimsuit, fish tank, 80's rug, gnomes.

I'm getting ready to teach a class in the morning. I did a search of hamstring exercises.

The weird thing is is that this guy totally knows his stuff. But what is his story?

Peter and Camilla

2011-05-26T23:48:00.000-04:00

This is going to have to be short. We bought a hybrid today and I feel like a little piece of me died.

Peter

I can't explain this on the internet, but the next time you see Pete or I, ask about the Dianne Keaton story.

Camilla

Has two deformed fingers. Well technically it's just the fingernails but a deformity nonetheless. Does that creep you out Jordan?

Side note: Camilla and Peter love each other but aren't exactly best friends. This one time Camilla was about 15 and she was singing a little song to herself. Peter overheard and made a little joke about her voice, in response to which Camilla screamed, "I HOPE YOU EAT POISON AND DIE!" before running to her room and slamming the door.

Camilla and Peter

2011-05-25T23:34:00.000-04:00

First Camilla.

There's not really an easy way to explain this but I'll try. Camilla does a talking mime routine. Bet you've never seen those two words together right? We all think it's hilarious. The routine is the same every time. Mime Camilla places her open palms against an imaginary wall in front of her and says, "I'm stuck." Next thing you know, something imaginary hits her on the head and she says, "Look! A rope." The routine goes from there and lasts any where from 2-25 minutes. Oh, you know how like 30 seconds ago I said "We all think it's hilarious?" Well by 'we all' I mean only the people in my immediate family. When I was younger, sometimes we'd have company over and someone would say, "Hey do you want to see Camilla's mime routine? She's really good" Our guest would reluctantly say, "sure" and is noticeably confused as to why we are all trying to stifle our giggles. Camilla would begin the routine, which, like I said, is always the same. The guest always tries to be polite and pretend that they think Camilla is talented. Then, at a carefully timed point during the routine my dad would always say, "Camilla the only thing people hate more than a mime it a talking one." And we all burst out laughing. Everyone except the guest, who laughs politely but never does get it.

Now Peter,

Peter is a great swimmer. Like amazing. He grew up swimming in the ocean in Oregon so he's tough. When he competes in triathlons, he beats half the elites out of the water without even training, so he's fast too.

(A good wife would leave it at that. )

But the first time I ever saw him in the water this is what happened. We were on our honeymoon in Saint. Maarten and we decided to go play in the Ocean. We were about chest deep and jumping in the waves when Pete decides to show off and body surf. He jumps with this wave that slams him right into the sand bar. It was kind of funny and not really a big deal, or so I thought. Pete stood right up and grabbed his elbow. I walked over and said, "Pete are you okay?" He didn't answer so I asked him again, to which he responds in this barely audible voice, "Don't talk to me." I tried to get closer to, you know comfort him and he whispers, "Don't touch me." So I gave him some space. He just drifted in the ocean holding his elbow with his eyes half open for like 45 minutes. After that he was fine. Now there are a lot of things that you can tease Peter about. Like a lot of things. Bike crashes, food poisoning, his hernia, old girlfriends, the list is long. But if I try to tease Peter about this particular ocean accident, he'll just defensively say, "I know you don't believe me, but I totally messed up my elbow that day and sometimes it still hurts really bad okay?"

Camilla and Peter

2011-05-24T17:37:00.000-04:00

Camilla is my sister and Peter is my husband. Pete and I got married on Camilla's birthday and she's never forgiven us. The big day is coming up on June 1st, so to celebrate, I thought I'd alternate posting little known facts about these two great people.

Peter's first.

Until about a year ago, Peter thought that when baked potatoes were served at dinner, one was supposed to ask the cook if the potatoes had been washed. Do you know how often people serve baked potatoes when they invite us over for dinner? A lot. It's totally embarrassing when Peter looks over the potato and says, "Did you wash these?" He's never noticed the insulted look on the hostess' face.

Now Camilla.

Once Camilla got my hair tangled up in a Tornado Tumbler. Tangled bad. On purpose. Have you ever heard of Tornado Tumbler? It's a cup with a little battery operated whisk at the bottom that mixes up drinks like chocolate milk so you don't have to go to the trouble of getting a spoon out of the drawer. Awesomely, we were both in our twenties when this happened.

This One's For the Rams

2011-05-05T23:10:00.001-04:00

This post will make no sense if you and I didn't go to high school together.

I am still laughing about the fact the one of my FB friends from Highland, Anela Noriega, just posted:

"Who'd going to step up and do Bin Laden's temple work?"

It's the awesomest post I've read since Pete posted that his favorite rapper is the B52's

Field Trip--A Cautionary Tale.

2011-04-29T13:13:00.000-04:00

Today I went with Jonah on his school field trip to the National Museum of American History. I have to say, it was pretty fun. There were plenty of chaperones so I was only in charge of a few kids. There was Jonah, my own. Yvonne, that's a boy, pretty easy cute little kid, though he didn't like me calling him "Miss Yvonne." Graham: he's a know it all who tries to make everyone feel dumb including me. I wanted to cuff him the entire trip but I couldn't because his mom is this real tough former college soccer player FBI agent who sorta scares me. And then there was Connor, I could tell he was awesome by the way he wore a dress shirt and tie tucked into sweat pants. Man that's a tough look to pull off, but Connor can do it cause he rocks.

Some highlights of the trip:

Explaining to the kids what plutonium-238 is. Turns out I'm smarter than I thought I was.

Explaining to the kids that they couldn't do the flight simulator because it costs money.

Eating a hot dog on the mall for lunch with Peter.

Taking this picture.

The low point on the trip was the bus ride home. We were three to a seat and Jonah and Yvonne were getting restless so I handed them my iphone. When they got bored of playing games, they started to look through the pictures. All the sudden one of the boys yells, "Jonah's looking at sexy swimsuit pictures!"

All the kids crowd around the phone which at this point was out of my reach. Then I remembered the joke pictures I took with some friends at the beach.

This picture being passed around a school bus of 7 year olds was humiliating on so many levels. First of all, who keeps a picture like that of herself on her own phone? Second, because the entire front of the bus started chanting, "Sex-y Lad-y." I didn't know what to do, there were two options as I saw it. One of the scenarios would end in me using my Christmas Story voice, "aw come on guys give it back give it beeaaack." The other scenario involved me using my mom voice, "give me the phone back, I'm gonna count to three." Either way I would look ridiculous so I just whispered to Jonah to hurry and get my phone back, which he eventually did, but not before the teachers figured out what happened.

Email Exchange Between Me and Pete

2011-04-26T08:26:00.000-04:00

Me: There's a Provident Living class at the church tonight on meal planning and food storage. It's at 7:30. I'd like to go if it works.

Pete: Should be fine. I'll be home around 7.

But you're not allowed to buy anything. I think food storage is kinda creepy.

Yorktown Beach

2011-04-25T12:59:00.001-04:00

Either you know my friend Emily, or you've heard me talk about her. She's real I promise, not like my pretend boyfriend George Glass. Emily is a college roommate. She's tall and blonde and smart and fun and beautiful and you want to hate her but you can't. We've both ended up in Virginia--lucky me. So yesterday we decided to pack up the kids and go to the beach. Emily took me to Yorktown beach.

The beach was small and there was a little rock wall a few feet out from the shore that the kids could wade out to and climb around on. We were all having a good time, there were a couple of kids there and our kids made friends with a little six year old boy. They all played on the rocks together while Emily and I chatted with the boy's mom. She was telling us about how she homeschools her kid and gets through it with "alotta prayin' " when Shea yelled from the rocks, "Mom, are people animals?"

"Yes." I shouted back.

We kept talking when Shea asked another question, "Mom. Are people humans?"

"Yes. " I shouted back. Apparently there was some sort of arguement going on and I was helping Shea's case. Shea kept asking questions. "Mom. Are people mammals?"

"Yes."

"What is a mammal?"

This time Emily responded, "Mammals lactate and have a special inner-ear bone."

With that answer, the kids all wandered back to us three moms and the new little friend started complaining to his mom. "Mama, They're sayin' that people are mammals and animals."

And right as I said, "Well they are." Our new mom friend said, "We just learned in homeschool how God made the animals and then on another day he made people that are different and more special than animals." Then she turns to her boy and tells him not to talk mean to his new friends. To which he replies,

"But Mama, they're evolution people!"

Isn't that great! Evolution people!

A little while later, Shea was digging in the sand when she announced that she had found a plant in the ground and she was going to pull it up.

Does this look like a plant to you?

Shea got excited when she thought she found the roots, when roots turned out to be the decomposing cat's paw, I realized what a long way Emily has come since she found a spider with and egg sac in our room freshman year. She was fighting some real demons and kept it together for the kids. Good job Em.

All in all, it was a good day at the beach. The kids had fun, I got some sun, and I feel like I'm a step closer to being able to articulate the need for people to make the distinction between being from Virginia, and Northern Virginia. I'm definitely from NoVa.

Dear Peter,

2011-04-24T23:10:00.000-04:00

This is going to sound very Lewis Carol. But in my world, when a husband messes with his wife's blog, it's usually on her birthday so that he can tell her how much he loves her and how awesome she is. Not to post some lame footage of a basketball game. I'll leave it up there, but you will pay for this.

Love Angela

But The Thing I Love MOST About Marrying A Guy From Oregon . . .

2011-04-24T16:39:00.000-04:00

The Best Thing About Marrying a Guy From Oregon

2011-04-18T14:54:00.000-04:00

It's not that I don't have to shave every day.
It's not the fact that any ocean feels warm and calm to him.
It's not the fact that he always has the radio set to the Pearl Jam station.
It's not the fact that he's introduced me to the best fast food chain ever.
All those things are nice, but what is really great are all the hippie stuff he gets invited to on Facebook.
Pete says his cousins are so hippie, they've come full circle. Ex. they love Mormons.

I have to admit that I have been wanting to awaken my divine feminine lately.

This one made me think of a couple of my friends who are about to give birth any day now. Some people think that song and meditation can get you through a natural childbirth. For me, I like to go the 360 degree turn of the head, vomit split-pea soup and frequent use of the eff word route. Whatever gets the baby here safe and sound.

Rated R

2011-04-08T15:07:00.000-04:00

I used to be a good girl.

I refused to watch rated R movies.

Once I was at a sleepover, and all the girls put on Interview With A Vampire. I called my mom and she came to pick me up.

Then another time I was hanging out with a bunch of friends. They all wanted to watch Speed. I begged and begged them to put on another show because rated R movies are bad. They made fun of me and told me that we were all going to watch it anyway. So I said a silent prayer, asking for help out of this horrible situation. And then a miracle happened, and this is the truth. For some unknown reason the disc wouldn't play. My friends tried for about 20 minutes to figure out the problem but we ended up watching City Slickers II. I decided that there were greater powers at work, encouraging me to stay away from evil rated R movies. Because what's worse than a rated R movie?

I'll tell you what's worse.

A few months after my personal miracle. I stayed home and babysat my siblings so while my parents went to a movie. When they came home, I said, "What movie did you see?"

My parents were quiet for a minute, looked at each other, and then my dad said, "We didn't go to a movie, we just stayed in the car and made out the whole time."

Sick.

I dry heaved all the way to my room.

Then about a week later, my mom goes, "I have something to tell you, the other night when your dad said that we didn't go to a movie . . . well that wasn't true. We did go to a movie, we saw Braveheart." Then she started going on and on about what an incredible movie it was. I didn't really care about how great of a movie it was, but I decided one thing. If I had to choose between an image in my head of my parents making out, or one of them watching Braveheart. It was pretty darn obvious which one I'd choose. Maybe rated R movies weren't so bad after all.

I ended up marrying a guy who took me to see Ronin on our first date.

Since then I think a lot about rated R movies. Are they really the best standard? I can think of 10 rated R movies that everyone should see before they die. I can think of 10 rated R movies I wish I hadn't seen. I can think of 10 PG-13 movies that I'll never let my children watch. (Most of them came out of the 80's.) I'm currently trying to come up with a formula to determine which rated R movies are really worth seeing. I know that if an R movie gets 90% or higher on Rotten Tomatoes, it's worth seeing. But I think there must be more to it than that.

I think if you want to keep smut out of your brain, no R movies is a pretty safe guideline. But I think I'm a better person because I've seen;

The Godfather

Saving Private Ryan

Schindler's List

Amelie

Shawshank Redemption

The Hangover

I can think of a bunch of others but I think you get the point. Am I way off base here?

Because of the mental association, to this day, I still can't watch Braveheart. And I've tried.

A Day in the Life

2011-04-01T13:48:00.000-04:00

Because it's April 1st. I thought I'd treat this blog like my journal for the day. I'm not much different than anyone else. Last night Shea (8) and I planned a little April Fools joke on the rest of the kids. As they were getting ready for bed I shouted, "I"m not your maid! Seriously you guys clean up your crap. If I see anyone leave clothes in the middle of the floor for me to pick up, I'm going to make them eat the poop out of Ezra's diaper!" The sad thing about this joke is that none of my kids could tell I was joking when I yelled something like that at them. So Shea purposefully left a pair of pants in the middle of the floor for me to see this morning. While everyone was getting ready for school, I picked up the pants and yelled, "Shea what did I say? I'm getting a diaper." Shea got this horrified look on her face and backed into a corner and started to cry. I ran into my room grabbed the diaper that I had previously prepared with some left over ganache and brought it into Shea. Everyone was crowded around as I yelled, "Eat it! Eat it!" She shook her head so I picked up one of the little turds and put it in her mouth. All the kids shrieked. It took a minute before they realized from Shea's reaction that it wasn't poop. Pretty good joke.

After I got the kids off to school, I went to the gym. I was running 6 miles, like I do every Friday. I looked up from the Gossip Girl I was watching to see a trivia question on one of the overhead TVs.

Who tweeted, "I"m eating like a pig right before I put my gown on! LOL"?

A. Kirstie Alley

B. Kendra Wilkinson

C. Wendy Williams

Is it pathetic that I knew the answer to that question in like 1 second? Yes it is.

Now I'm just sitting home looking through interior design blogs.

I adore this.

I'm loving these little numbers.

This might change my life.

I wish I was here.

I wish I could live my life like this or this.

Instead, I'll just have to be happy with this.

Confession

2011-03-31T16:08:00.000-04:00

I just want to put this out there. When your kids come over here to play and they take off their socks someplace in the house; I do the same thing every time when a you come to pick the kiddies up and ask about socks.

"Oh yeah, hold on one second I saw them in the basement."

Then I run down stairs, make sure the basement fridge is closed and look in the mirror for a few minutes before I come back up.

" Shooot, I can't find them anywhere. That is so weird. I'll wash them and drop them by later."

You'll never see those socks again. When I find them, I usually keep them for own kids or throw them in the trash.

Sorry. But they're just socks.

Hipsters

2011-03-27T22:49:00.000-04:00

I'm at the airport speed walking to the gate. Speed walking. And I pass some hipsters who start making fun of me. They don't laugh because it's lame to laugh. The one with the huge beard says something goofy. And then the one with the huge glasses scoffs. Then there's one with some weird fedora who rolls his eyes and me while the one in the American flag shirt slows down so I can't get by. Does he love America? Or is he mocking it? Does he even know anymore? Why is he barefoot? The one in the stupid plaid smells bad. I hate hipsters, unless they're the Olsen twins or Jared Leto. And the worst part is that I'm not even sure if they were making fun of me because they're humor is so darn dry-- and I know about dry humor. I have all this hipster anger boiling up inside me. Some day I'm going to have a melt down and freak out at them. I don't know why though, I mean why are we threatened by a group of people who look and act like they came out of that movie Benny and Joon?

Aw Come On Guys It's Not That Bad.

2011-03-23T13:47:00.000-04:00

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that.

So I first heard the Rebecca Black song a few days ago which is like a year after everyone else. I don't really get it. I mean, the song isn't great, but what's the big deal?

Then I heard that this girl is 13? What are you guys freaking out about? This is not the worst song ever written, and it is definitely the worst song ever sung by anyone, let alone by a 13 year old. I think I old that title, gimme a minute and I'll dig out my song circa 1993. It's called, "I'm Rollerblading as Fast as I can Crying Really Loud Because I'm Sad That I Was Only Cast As An Oz-Person in the Musical and I Hate My Parents For Making Me Move To North Carolina."

This article proves my point. How ridiculous are Katy Perry or Lady Gaga's lyrics and they are twice her age. Not pointing any fingers here. "Friday" was introduced to me by Peter, and it might actually be the worst song he's ever heard. He's sort of a music snob. So for his listening pleasure I'll put up a couple of the worst songs I've ever heard.

Raise your hand if you think that Kim Kardashian would be fun to go to a club with. Now put your hand down because you're wrong and this song proves it.

Raise your hand if you know what a garbage bag of cottage cheese sounds like. I do, listen below and you can too.

Alright, let's hear it. Top five worst songs ever. Go!

Just Doing Some Housekeeping

2011-03-21T13:33:00.000-04:00

I found this video while I was deleting some files.

Who'd a thought that Mr. T would be timeless?

Nuclear Boy

2011-03-19T20:09:00.000-04:00

That last post came across a lost more serious than I'd intended. I guess I'm opposite from the Japanese. They're unintentionally funny while I'm unintentionally serious.

I can't be blamed for being insensitive, this is a real public service announcement that's being aired in Japan.

Surly Blogger Award

2011-03-18T22:59:00.000-04:00

My friend Amanda passed an award to me. And while flattered, I guess I was a bit disheartened as well. I've been trying for about a year to not be surly. Maybe I haven't been trying hard enough. Maybe surly is just who I am. Or maybe Mandy gave me the surly award but what she meant was that I'm real, and awesome. That must be it. So now I have to list 7 things about myself.

1. I was born without any muscles in the thumb area of my left palm. I'll bet that 90% of the people who read this and know me have never noticed, but my left thumb really is quite disfigured. I hesitate to write about this because I know this is going to change the way you look at me. Feels good to have it out there though. My family calls me sausage thumb when they're trying to be particularly hurtful. It stings.

2. For this defect, I used to blame my mom for eating bologna when she was pregnant. Really, I thought it was all her fault. But then I had 4 miscarriages and realized that stuff happens. On a serious note, going through something like that gives you a layer of toughness and empathy that you could never otherwise acquire. On a lighter note, I feel like going through something like that has given me permission to use the phrase "if a crack whore can have a healthy baby . . . . (then I just fill in the blank with whatever the heck I want)" as often as I'd like.

3. I'm going to start putting pictures of myself and my family on this blog. Until now, I've made a conscious effort not to. And I can't remember why.

4. I decided that I'm going to start reading more because I feel like I'm getting dumber. The problem is that I don't know how to use the library. That may sound like a joke, but I'm dead serious, so if anyone in the Vienna/Oakton area is going to the library anytime soon could you invite me? Pretend like you're talking to your kids about how to check out a book and I'll just stand close by and take copious notes.

5. My grandma invented the s'more. And don't tease her about it by saying something like, "Grandma, do you really think you invented the s'more?" You have no idea the kind of scum you feel like when you see your grandma's eyes well up with tears as she looks at the ground and quietly replies, "I did invent it." Besides unless I see proof that the s'more was invented before the '40's, in some place other than Beaver UT, I'll believe her.

6. I'll eat my hat if anyone has a boyfriend from the 80's whose name was more 80's than his. Ready for it? His name was Michael George.

7. I had three different friends send me this article about the fascination with reading Mormon mommy blogs. I'm sure you've read it too. While interesting, it really bothered me. Mostly the idea that the words 'feminist' and 'Mormon mom' would be opposites. As Mormon women, we should not be so afraid of the word feminist. As conservative women, we should not be afraid of the word feminist. Since reading that article, I read a knock against having shabby Zoe Deschanel bangs on at least two different blogs. You're soooo clever to make fun of long bangs, because they're sooooo cliché. So to show women everywhere that we can be whatever we want to be, I ran to the salon and got me some uh those bangs. Next I threw out all of my conventional produce and started shopping organic and local. Then I made a quilt. Then I went on a trip with a bunch of Democrats, and I didn't even tease them for... um... well I may have teased them a little bit. My point here is that I'm a walking oxymoron and I don't care.

Vegas.

2011-03-10T14:15:00.000-05:00

On a plane headed to Las Vegas. I keep thinking about the last time I was here, over ten years ago. Funny that I grew up so close to Vegas and never really went there. Maybe it was because my mom always said it was an evil place, she even nick named it 'sin city' she was always clever like that.

So it was probably 2000. We were newly weds and went down with some other newly wed friends of ours, Betsy and Brian. We actually slept in St. George. Before we made the 90 minute drive to 'sin city,' the boys decided to practice their card skills. We probably spent 2 hours playing 21, the whole time Pete and Brian sang Luck Be A Lady Tonight. And not the swanky Sinatra version, it was more like the sped up Guys And Dolls reprise, "luck be a lady tonight, luck if you've evah been a lady be a lady, luck be a lady tonight" sang really really fast, just those lyrics over and over until Betsy gently and delicately put the kibosh on the singing.

Once we got there, it was a blast. So much to do and see. So many architecturally unsound buildings to go to the top of. We stopped by Treasure Island to watch the show--you know, the one with pirates and ships and real water? After the show, this red head pirate with short cut-off jeans comes up to me and says. "Angela? Is that you?"

"Um yeah, I'm Angela."

"It's me! Vince! You know, from Mrs. Reganthal's fourth grade class."

"Wow, hi."

"This is so crazy! I can't believe you're here!"

Of all the weird things I saw in Vegas that night, seeing Vince was the weirdest. On the way back to our condo, my voice was hoarse from screaming and laughing and staying up too late. That was the night I discovered that I do and awesome Britney impersonation. One that has served me well over the years.

I made one trip after that to run a half marathon, but that was the trip that I discovered that I have what's called BIIBS or Buffet Induced Irritable Bowel Syndrome so I'd sorta like to forget about that trip.

Led by the Spirit

2011-03-04T16:56:00.000-05:00

Young kid on a mission.

Wears a suit.

Rides a bike.

Spanish speaking country.

Unsure of the path ahead.

The road won't be easy.

Highs.

Lows.

Although you've got good instincts,

You're typically not known for your great judgement.
Stay focused though man.

Don't be stupid.
Follow the rules.

Think about the magnitude of what you're doing.

Who are you representing?

Don't get distracted by little things like the stray dog in the road.

The path is narrow.

Shoulders feeling heavy?

Leg aching?

When things get tough, you may have to tap into your reserves.

Remember why you came, what you've been taught, and what you set out to do.

You are not alone.

You can almost see the finish line ahead.

You made it in one piece.

There's the pretty girl that's been waiting for you.

(And don't you hate how at the end they always seem to play the "I don't remember the English" act?)

VCA 2010 RACE RUN from changoman on Vimeo.

Of course we're talking about a bike race.

Mel Gibson, Colin Farrell: Radical People

2011-03-02T13:44:00.000-05:00

Let's assume I'm a good moral person. Thus far in my life, there are certain words or phrases that I just don't google. I always thought that 'Charlie Sheen' was someone you should never ever google. Right along up there with the words 'tumor with hair and teeth' (please for the love, don't ever google that.)

But I have to admit, I'm glad I went with my baser instincts and decided to watch a Charlie Sheen interview. This is so great. I was going to list some good quotes from the interview for those of your who are above watching, but I can't type that fast, and it's all good.

Remember when I made that prediction about Britney Spears falling and falling hard?

And remember how I was right?

Okay well I have another prediction to make. I'm pretty sure that Charlie Sheen is going to live a long long life. I'm not joking about this. Some things just aren't right. Have you ever wondered why Pluto was demoted? Ever wondered why a good honest person like you got screwed over by a crappy realtor? Ever wondered why they paid Anne Hathaway 750K just to wear Tiffany's diamonds at the Oscars while you sit home and figure out a budget for repairing your roof? Well I'll tell you why. It's because some things just aren't right. Mark my words, Charlie Sheen is going to live a long long life.

I'm serious about the phrase 'tumor with hair and teeth.' Don't google that.

Getting Tired of Staring at Luca?

2011-02-28T14:30:00.001-05:00

Well welcome to my life.

Yesterday I was vacuuming, and Jonah brought Luca and his brother in to play. The neighbor boys both stopped and stared at me.

"Hey boys, don't be alarmed at the noise, this is called a vacuum. I'm cleaning this room."

Yes, I really said that. And Yes, I am that funny all the time. You should try making fun of kids sometime in a way that they won't understand they're being made fun of. Usually they just confuse it with kindness and general concern. It's a great way to let off steam, a little trick my dad taught me.

Anyway, when I first put up the picture of Luca, I did it with the intention of talking about Amy Chua's article. I know that it's yesterday's news now. But it hasn't been mentioned on the scores of blogs I follow, soooo.

Amy Chua wrote an article for the Wall Street Journal in the beginning of January titled, "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior," that created quite a firestorm. Very entertaining and definitely worth the read, Chua starts by listing the things her children are not allowed to do.

attend a sleepover
have a play date
be in a school play
complain about not being in a school play
watch TV or play computer games
choose their own extracurricular activities
get any grade less than an A
not be the No. 1 student in any class except gym and drama
play any instrument other than the piano or violin

She also tells stories from her own parenting experience. She proudly writes about calling her 7 year old "garbage, lazy, self-indulgent and pathetic," for not being able to master a difficult piano piece. She explains all of the things that Chinese parents understand that Western parents can't. Like that nothing is fun until you're good at it, and that if you don't use the f-word in your house, (I'm talking about the word Fat) your kids will end up in therapy or with an eating disorder. She even hints that Chinese parents love their children more than us Westerners because they spend 10 times as long every day working on academics.

Great rebuttal here.

I'm curious to know what my friends would have to say about this article. Chua makes some good points. Like, that nothing is fun until you're good at it. Or how about when she talks about the worthlessness of school plays? I dread the day when my kids come home telling me they're villager number 6 in the musical and need to rehearse every day from 3-7 and need rides too. (insert here apology to mom for the fall of '91, spring of '92, and summer of '92)

However, I think she greatly underestimates the value of self-esteem, as well as the importance of developing a high EQ. And anyone who thinks play dates and sleepovers are a waste of time have no idea what kind of street smarts it takes to navigate the inner-politics of a 13 year old girl slumber party.

My Name is Luca

2011-01-22T13:49:00.000-05:00

No seriously that's his name.

We had some new neighbors move in. They're state department so you never know what you're gonna get with those guys. This family has two boys so Jonah is in heaven. The first time they invited him into their house, I told them I had to meet some parents before he could go play ('cause I'm awesome at parenting) so their mom came over to say hi. One of the first things she said to me was, "I'm not an 'uber-mom.'

What's that phrase about Sherlock? I can't remember.

Anyway, I am a huge advocate for anti-uber-moms everywhere.

However,

Everyday, Luca gets off the bus and has to walk up a grass hill and past my house before he gets home. Everyday, on his way up the hill, he slips, falls, decides that was awesome and plays in the mud before he continues his walk home. Then he stops at my house and tries to come inside and play looking like this. Everyday, I say, "No, Luca, you need to go home and take a bath first." I think Luca's mom could use a bit more "uber," but who am I to judge?

Peter keeps telling me I should enjoy this while I can. But has he ever had to clean up after Luca?

Peacocking

2011-01-18T22:24:00.001-05:00

Megan sent me this great read.

http://onesourcecycling.blogspot.com/2008/05/peacocks-on-porch.html

If you don't have a husband who is into cycling, it might be hard to relate to. If you're like Megan, Susan and I however, you'll read it and say 'get outta my brain!'

Think back to when you were a 14 year old girl. Now do you remember the way you looked at other 14 year old girls? It wasn't very nice was it. Well dude's aren't immune to that stuff. That's how cyclists look at each other, always measuring each other up. Nobody can chest thump like a skinny guy who shaves his legs, perfected the farmer's blow, and loves wearing spandex.

Lesson: If You Talk About Someone on the Internet, They Might Find Out.

2011-01-17T14:18:00.000-05:00

I don't think I'll ever learn this lesson.

Today Pete came home from work with a little gift bag for me. I thought the bag was from him but there was a post-it note on the bag that said;

Pete-

My wife wanted me to give this to you to pass along to your wife.

I looked in the bag. Oh no. Oh no. Oh Yes.

Two packages of gauze underwear and a box of KT Tape. There was a note included;

Dear Angela,

My boss forwarded me a link to your blog earlier this week. I did some research, made a few calls, and tracked down something I think you're going to like. And just for the record, that black dress was, 'smokin' hot!

I'm feeling such a strange mix of emotions. I would be embarrassed if this wasn't so awesome. I love this chick! I have my day all planned out tomorrow. I'm going to go on a long run, enabled by the magic tape, and then reward my hard work with a shower and an afternoon in gauze heaven.

Here's the problem though, I've just written three separate blog posts about gauze underwear.

I'm wasting my life.

Jensen Family Christmas Letter

2011-01-14T21:16:00.000-05:00

Here is a copy of the Christmas letter we sent out this year. I still have about 7 more that I'd like to send out. I dunno if it's gonna happen. If I missed you, I'm sorry. My house has been on the market and I sorta ran out of Christmas steam around December 23rd.

Ezra Jensen here, the newest member of the Jensen family. I decided to take charge of the Jensen Family Christmas Letter this year. You know what they say, if you want something done right . . .

My parents didn’t send out Christmas cards in 2009. I’m not really sure why, it’s not like there were any major events, like hmmm you know MY BIRTH or anything. Sheesh! Don’t worry, I can give you a quick synopsis. Okay, 2009. I was born. My mom turned 30, my dad caught the swine flu, and the family bought a new car, which my mom ran out of gas and got us stranded in three times. I guess that’s pretty much it.

So last week, when the topic of a 2010 Christmas card came up, the conversation went something like this:

Dad: We need to write our Christmas letter. Remind me again. Why didn’t we do one last year?

Mom: Hmm, let’s see. I’d just had a baby so it didn’t really fit into my sleep-deprived schedule. That, and you didn’t buy a bike in ’09 so I didn’t have much to write about.

Well in response to that dig, Peter promptly went out and bought himself a new bike. That’s when I knew that I needed to take over.

So 2010, where do I start? I’ve learned some valuable lessons this year. First, if you are the baby of a family that’s got five kids sharing two rooms, you pretty much have full control over everything. If you’re sleeping, they have to be silent. If you wake up, they all wake up. Sometimes I scream in the middle of the night for no reason other than to let them know that I’m still in charge. Now if only I could learn to use these powers for good instead of evil.

One funny thing that happened this year, well not so much funny as humiliating, was that I had some cosmetic work done. Some jerk at church told my mom that I had a funny looking head. Now, the normal reaction of a mother would be to get offended. Not my mom though, she carted me off to the helmet doctor to get my uniquely shapen head taken care of. You shoulda seen the looks I got. For three straight months, people would look at me with confusion, pity, and sometimes disgust. Of course, if it was a spectacle they wanted, then I was gonna give it to ‘em. So just for show, I’d find the nearest hard surface and whack my helmeted head against it repeatedly. It was pretty adorable if I do say so myself. And the fans loved it because people would point at me and whisper the word “special.”

Let’s see, what else was fun to watch? Oh yeah, the summer was awesome. We hung out at the pool a lot. Jonah (6) participated in the swim team for the first time ever, where we learned that he has a case of pre-race-nerves-induced IBS. So that was pretty entertaining.

And, the family decided to take a trip to the Outer Banks at the peak of hurricane season. Pros: Shea (8) learned to use a boogie board, and she is awesome. Pete took her out into the ocean, about 100 feet out. He accidently let go of her board as a huge wave picked her up. She disappeared under water just long enough for my mom to shriek a few choice words before she resurfaced and glided gracefully onto the sand. Cons: Actually there were no cons because it turns out that evacuating a beach town is as much fun as everyone says it is.

My parents went to Paris for a week. A trip they’d been planning for years. Grandma came to stay with us kids and we didn’t mind a bit. Good thing too, because my mom and dad came home fatter, and all lovey-dovey. It was disgusting.

Eliza (9) is busy giving my parents lots of grey hairs. She has announced that when she grows up, she wants to be “a teenager.” And she refuses to wear pants. She doesn’t even own a pair. I’m gonna go ahead and predict that the interaction between her and my dad over the course of the next 9 years is going to be entertaining to say the least.

Sloane, (the two year old with the unibrow) however, has her dad wrapped around her chubby little finger. Everyone oohhs and ahhhs about how cute she is. They just laugh and smile when she does adorable things like scream “GO AWAY” or pees her pants in the hotel lobby, or worst of all, pushes me over when I’m just mindin’ my own business. I don’t talk yet, but I have already chosen my first sentence to be: “My therapist is going to have a field day with this!”

Well I guess that is about all I have to say. But I hope all of you are as happy as I am. I live in a warm happy home, I’m surrounded by people who love me, and I can almost always find a reason to smile.

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas on behalf of Peter, Angela, Eliza, Shea, Jonah, and Sloane Jensen.

Love,

Ezra Bud Jensen

Speaking of Gauze Underwear . . .

2011-01-10T00:05:00.000-05:00

Who knew that a post about a fancy holiday party would rouse such strong emotions about hospital underwear. Which got me to thinking, I've been reading blogs for a, um like three or four years, (Wow, so much time wasted, I could be fluent in Russian by now.)

Most of the blogs I read are written by moms, (notice how I am not going to take advantage of this perfect opportunity to poke fun at blogging moms because I'm notta jerk and I don't want to get 30 hate comments like I did 3 years ago, there are some real piranhas out there) moms in their child bearing years. That means that I've read countless birth stories. Home births, overseas births, former Jazz dancer births, tragic births, births of multiples, adoption birth, you name it, I've read about it. Some are good, some are great, some not so great. Hey, I've even written one. So let's just assume for a minute that I am a very good judge of birth stories.

Behold, I give you the greatest birth story I have ever in my life read. Not even kidding, I've re-read it three times. It's just that good. I'm not trying to be funny, check it out and you'll see what I mean.

Amanda, the next time I'm in Utah, or if you're ever in D.C. please let me buy you dinner because you are awesome.

Holiday Party

2011-01-06T23:11:00.000-05:00

I am in between my only two holiday parties of the season. I know, not normal to be saying that on January 6th, but I said holiday, not Christmas, so quit judging. Anyway, I'm still sort of haunted by the first party. It was Pete's firm's Christmas party. It was a formal dinner. Tricky. For me at least, I'm a stay-at-home-mom so when I go to formal work dinners, I want to look awesome without sending a message that I got totally dolled up for my fancy night out because I don't get out of the house much. It's tough, real tough.

Anyway, We're sitting at dinner, and I'm on my best behavior ya know? Tryna act all cool. If you know me, you might think this comes naturally for me, it doesn't. Shocking. There were 4 couples at our table and we were chatting, I asked this one attorney's wife who I had just met, what she did. And she says, "I'm the head of marketing for KT Tape."

"Oh? What does the company do?" I ask, praying silently that the whole table doesn't burst out laughing because I've never heard of KT Tape.

"It's okay, we're a small company." Then she explains that it's a medical elastic tape that's used to treat sports injuries. I guess it's been around for a long time but their company decided to make it a product that anyone could buy, not just doctors. Then the table launches into a sophisticated discussion about what a great idea that is. There are so many medical products that you don't have to be a genius to know how to use, but for some reason they don't sell them over the counter, only doctors and hospitals have access to them.

"Yeah yeah," I chime in, "The last time I was at the hospital, I was like all, 'Can I puh-lease have like 5 extra pairs of those gauze underwear? I love that stuff!'"

You guessed it.

The table goes silent and everyone stares at me, even the other two moms who knew exactly what I was talking about suddenly pretend like they had never heard of amazing hospital gauze underwear. (Thanks a lot girls for hanging me out to dry.) The KT Tape wife looks at me, face smiling but inside she was wondering who's this zoo animal (wearing a smokin' hot black dress) ?

"I don't really understand." was the last thing she said to me the entire night.

Well, I tried. So much for my big night in the city. At least them mini lemon pies was good. Coulda' eaten' 10 a those suckers.

This Saturday, I am going to my work party. The group fitness post holiday party. I think Pete's a bit nervous because spouses aren't invited and I think that when he hears group fitness, he's picturing ripped straight personal trainers with German accents. In reality, could this crowd be any more the opposite? Only the secret iphone pics will tell. Stay tuned . . .

Peter Jensen

2010-12-21T17:49:00.000-05:00

Do you know how many Peter Jensens there are?

No I don't really care either.

But do you have any idea how many Peter Jensens there are who have a gmail address with some sort of variation of the name?

A crap load.

It's pretty entertaining. Peter receives emails that are supposed to go to another Peter Jensen almost every day. There's a Peter Jensen in Canada, one in the Netherlands, a Peter Jensen who's in a band, even a BYU freshman named Peter Jensen.

Sometimes he passes the good ones on to me.

Like this one.

Sorry I don't know how to blur out the bad parts.

Obviously this is from the Canadian Peter Jensen. And I don't mean obviously because of all the snow.

It doesn't matter who sent this picture, or why it was sent. What matters is-- well, what the . . ? I mean yeah yeah it's a funny picture, but who would actually pose for this? Seriously, that's commitment. I tell you what, this guy will never be the same.

What do you get?

2010-12-20T22:49:00.000-05:00

Christmas+ Reality Shows+Silicone+ Massive Egos+ The Addams Family meets the Sopranos=

Kardashian Family Christmas Card.

For some reason, this picture makes me really really really mad. Who do these people think they are?

I know it's rare to see me bare the depths of my soul like this, but I can't help it. I'm a delicate flower of emotions.

Emergency

2010-12-16T15:01:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I snoop through my daughters' super secret drawer. And I don't feel guilty about it. This one time I found a folded piece of paper labeled "TOP SECRET" that Eliza had written up with a friend. On the paper was Eliza's name and her friend's name. Underneath the names, the two girls had written up "some secret bad words."

Butt, Pee, Sucks, Shut-up, Boobs.

Pretty harmless, but I called the friend's mom to let her know about the list. I wanted to know where Eliza learned these words. I assumed the friend was the one who had made the list because it wasn't Eliza's handwriting and we don't use the word 'boobs' in our house. We prefer to call them 'humpty dumplings.'

The friends' mother was shocked when I told her about the list. She told me that she would never go through her daughter's things like that. Such an invasion of privacy, such a betrayal of trust. But as we were talking, I coaxed her into looking in her daughter's room for anything similar. She found something after looking for like 30 seconds. A "TOP SECRET" list nearly identical to the one I had, except my Eliza's name was not on the list. On the friends piece of paper, the list was almost the exact same.

"Secret Bad Words

Butt, Pee, Sucks, Shut-up, Boobs."

and in addition was the phrase,

"Something a boy says when he wants to break-up with his girlfriend is kiss my ass."

I loved the fact that this discovery was made while I was on the phone with the friend's mom who had just scolded me for invading my kids' privacy.

That was a few months ago. Today, during one of my regular sweeps, I found something much worse than 'boobs.' Much much much worse. It was in Shea's drawer.

The paper was labeled: Beware of things. Magic things.

Here's what it said:

Things to avoid in realms.

Dark shadow, evil things can come your way. Big trolls, goblins will come your way so beware. Moving trees will zap you. Guy warlocks hide on trees. Try to go around. Zombees might eat you. Other bad things that might happen is you might get stuck in there for 1529 years. If you are not sure that you are a crater, stay next to a warlock or a witch and the person how will protect you.

I'm not exactly sure what all this means. And I'm a bit panicked here. I mean, I have a general idea of how I want my kids to turn out, and weird goth, or Dungeons and Dragons fanatic is not on the list. I mean, I've already thrown out all black eyeliner, candles, capes, anything Twilight related--which was only like 7 or 8 boxes of stuff, but I don't know what else to do. Some may say that Shea just has an active imagination but when your ultimate goal is just for your kids to turn out normal, you can never be too careful.

A Child of the Ninety's Raising Children.

2010-12-11T10:19:00.000-05:00

Last week we sat down with the kids (9, 8, 6) and watched "So I Married an Axe Murderer."

They liked it.

Don't you love it when you show your kids something that you used to love and they think it's pretty cool? Dad, I hope it makes you happy that I like Steely Dan, because I people make fun of me for it. And Mom, I hope it makes you happy that I love Man of Velvet Man of Steel, because that has really messed me up.

Anyway, we were sitting at dinner the other night, it was an uncommonly peaceful dinner. Then all the sudden Shea says, "You know what I love? That part of 'I Married a Murderer' when the dad says, 'That boys head is like a toothpick on an orange!'"

The kids giggled and then Jonah takes a deep breath and shouts. "WILLIAM! MEUVE YER DAMN HEED!"**

There goes our peaceful dinner.

It's better than what happened last month, proof that our children have a father who is a child of the eighty's. After the kids watched Goonies, Pete and Jonah were playing Mario. Jonah's guy died and he said the 'S' word like 30 times in row. I shouted, "Jonah, if you say that again I will throw away that movie!" He looked away from the game at me and said okay. When he looked back at the game he realized that the two seconds he'd spent looking at me had cost Mario his life and said that word again. What happened next wasn't purdy.

**That was also the night I discovered my childrens' talent for doing perfect Scottish accents.

Disgruntled

2010-12-10T14:31:00.000-05:00

Ya know what? I really do wish that this blog were my journal. I'm in the process of selling my house, trying to buy a new one, upsetting many realtors along the way and trying to beat the system. It is traumatic, but I have some good stories. But I'm not going to tell them. Well, not those stories at least.

Instead I want to explain why I've been thinking about that Jet Blue flight attendant a.k.a. my hero.

Did I mention that I work at a gym? Well I do. It's awesome, great set up. Except for a few things, like when they want me to actually do stuff. I have this new uh, boss who is always tryin' ta make me do stuff. And she sends like 5 emails a day with no real concern for tone or forethought. Well yesterday, I get this email from her telling me that if I don't take the online course on "preventing harassment," then I'm fired. She's never spoken to me about this, just a 'do it or else' email.

So I have two options here, I could either take the course. Or use this as my opportunity to go out in a blaze of glory. You know you've thought about it too after a bad day of work. That's why I love the Jet Blue guy, he actually went through with it. Man, did he ever. Grabs a coupla beers, shouts some expletives into the loud speaker, pulls the emergency slide, and runs home. So great. Pete and I really love the part of the story that the pilots waited like 40 minutes before they reported the incident. You know they just looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and said, "Blaze of glory man, let him go."

What about me though? It's not like I can really go down in a blaze of glory here. I mean what am I gonna do? The fitness instructors are like the red-headed stepchildren of our gym because we only teach for a few hours at a time, it's like a hobby, not a job so the full-time employees think we don't take them seriously yada yada yada. Gym politics are an entirely different blog entry, the point is. No one would really care if I quit so I just went in and took the damn course.

So I went into the club and sat down at the computer for over an hour and learned about harassment. All the while, I thought to myself that their asking me to take this online course was a form of harassment in itself.

Hey check out one of the questions in the course.

Can you read it? "Batal is Muslim . . . Which of the following could become a form of a hostile work environment?"

The answer C says, "Batal's coworkers have a running contest about the types of things Batal could be hiding under his turban.

Am I the only one who thinks it's funny that a course about unlawful harassment would have an incorrect assumption about Muslims? Like, that Muslims wear turbans. Sikhs wear turbans, and are not Muslims.

Ya know? Against my better judgement I'm going to go ahead and hit the "publish post" button. I hope no one that works at my gym reads this and forwards it to my boss. If I got fired over this blog, that would be the worst blaze of glory in history.

I know why you're single.

2010-11-21T15:38:00.000-05:00

I was in the grocery store at the check out line behind this guy. He pushes his cart forward and puts a six pack of beer, a bag of Doritos, and 10 Red Baron pizzas onto the belt. The store clerk looks at his items and says, "You're single aren't you."

The man sort of smiles sheepishly and replies, "Yeah yeah, I bet you can tell by the stuff I'm buying right?"

The clerk says, "No, I can tell 'cause you're ugly."

Seriously though. There are great people in the world that find themselves single and shouldn't be. Beautiful, talented, charismatic and smart, and they haven't found love for some unknown reason. And then there are single people who are beautiful, talented, and smart, and I know exactly the reasons why they haven't found love.

Like this guy I saw in the store last night.

Dear sir, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you left the house in your Homer Simpson pants because you have strep throat and not because you've given up on civility.

Now this is a bit more complicated. I was changing a diaper in the church bathroom and a single woman, not a girl (and by woman I mean someone older than me) came in and put her purse on the counter next to me. And I knew she was single because the singles ward was just starting. I had no choice but to take a picture. Meanwhile I left Ezra crawling around on the bathroom floor, so if he gets hepatitis, I guess you could say I got what I deserved. Well, I guess you should say he got what I deserved but my point is, look at this purse!

Edward and Bella

Leo and Kate

Johnny and June Cash

Patrick and Demi

Patrick and Baby

All decoupaged on this grown woman's purse. I wanted to wait until she came out of the bathroom and hug her and tell her that I had some bad news; this purse isn't real life, this is movies.

Sweetie, you are never going to find a man like this. He doesn't exist. I know because I married the greatest man alive and he doesn't want to suck blood, sing, do pottery or dance. But I guess that every once in a while does he scream that he's the king of the world and does lame Irish dances in the basement of our ship. But when that happens I usually just cuff him and tell him to turn off the Blazer game and come to bed.

Happy Birthday Ezra and I think I'm Benjamin Button

2010-11-19T18:32:00.000-05:00

Here's the cake I made for Jonah when he turned 1 in 2005.

Cute right? It's obviously"Rocket" from Little Einsteins.

Here's the cake I made for Ezra's first birthday in 2010.

What the heck is wrong with me?

Would that this cake were a time cake.

Backfire

2010-11-14T23:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we went to Shea's end of season soccer party at Fudruckers. As we were eating a boy from school walked by us, tapped Shea on the shoulder and said, "Hi Shea."

Shea sweetly said hi back. "Hi Brian."

Teasing her, I said, "Oooh Shea whooo's that?"

Shea rolled her eyes at me and said, "It's just Brian from school."

"Oooh is he your boyfriend?"

"No, he's just a boy from school, mom I'm warning you."

"Are you sure he's just your friend? He's pretty cute."

Shea shakes her head at me and gives me this 'you'll be sorry' look. Then she turns around and shouts to the boy across the crowded restaurant,

"HEY BRIAN, MY MOM THINKS YOU'RE CUTE!"

The restaurant goes silent, and I turn around to look at Brian's table. He and his parents glare at me, totally disgusted.

That's when I realize, that I may say that I want the best for my kids, but I don't really want them to be smarter than me. And that's why I won't be buying, Your Baby Can Read. It's bad enough that I've been outsmarted by an 8 year old, if my one year old could read better than me, it would take any shred of dignity I have left. Also, I don't believe that a human who regularly gets diarrhea up his back should be allowed to learn to read, it's the principle of the thing. How about inventing the video and flash cards, Your Baby Can Clean Up His Own Poop. Now there's my meal ticket.

Conan Tonight

2010-11-08T19:23:00.000-05:00

Get Excited.

Thanks for the link Susan.

On Our Own

2010-10-29T10:19:00.001-04:00

If your childhood was anything like mine then you remember a couple of things happening. You had foie gras with dinner about once a month, you would go to great lengths to be able to wear a leotard under your school clothes, (by great lengths I mean lying and stealing) and you had a precious few VHS tapes that you watched over and over again. Here are some of mine.

Goonies (I bought this for my kids on DVD when we had to take a road trip, but had to throw it away when Jonah said the 's-word' about thirty times in 10 minutes. After every time I yelled at him to never ever say that naughty word. When he said it for the 29th time I held the DVD in my hand and threatened to break it in half if he said it again. He looked at me in the eyes and said, "okay mom." Then he looked back at the TV. And when he saw that his Wii Mario Bros. guy had died because he was distracted, he said it for the 30th time.)

The Frog Prince (starring Aileen Quinn)

Princess Bride

Indiana Jones

Saturday's Warrior

On Our Own

Now if you haven't see On Our Own, you can just move along, there's nothing to see here.

But however, if this clip strikes a chord with you. Well, then your welcome..... to nominate me for awesomeness.

And after looking around a little on youtube, I'm discovering that the movie Rigoletto was also a bit of a cult classic. I had never even heard of it until high school when, well, I'd rather not discuss it.

One last trip post, this is not a doctored pic.

2010-10-25T12:52:00.000-04:00

Well we made it home, but not before spending another couple of crappy hours in Belgium. Did you know that the French tell jokes about Belgian people sorta the same way we used to tell Pollock jokes in the 80's? Those were good days, tell a funny joke without offending anyone because who really knows any Pollocks anyway? It's true though, the French have invented all kinds of un-funny jokes about Les Belges.

Well I only had to spend a couple hours in Belgium to figure out why that is.

I'm sorry to say that the only photo I took in Brussels was of this menu.

If I would have stayed a bit longer, I would have liked to find this fine piece of art.

For real called, the "Mannekin Pis."

Because of a strike, Pete and I had to figure out the bus, taxi, train, and metro systems so I feel like I know the place pret-tty well. And I can say with some authority that Brussels is the New Jersey of France.

Lesson: Louis XVI was a Weiner and I'm Gonna Give Myself Diabetes

2010-10-20T19:22:00.000-04:00

Tartiflette. I tried it in a BYU French class. I taught how to make it when I was a French teacher, and now I've officially eaten it in France, so I'm legit.

Can't really write a caption of these yummy pics, I'm too busy translating French Jerry Springer for Pete. We've imported the worst parts of our culture. You're welcome France.

And now, here I am in Versailles. I can't remember if the look on my face was to say, "Who in the crap decided it would be a good idea to display Japanese modern art all over Versailles?!" Or was it to say, "Why didn't anyone tell me that when you go to Paris, you are supposed to wear boots or heels and dress coats and mostly all black when you walk around and not really sporty comfortable clothes? I am such a lame nerd."

A Plus.

It's Official

2010-10-19T19:29:00.000-04:00

Je suis vachement francophone.

(It is exactly what it looks like. raw beef with a raw egg.)

À Paris

2010-10-18T16:56:00.000-04:00

For the next 6 days I'll be in one of two modes. Either eating, or full.

This afternoon for a snack, I had, un chocolat chaud, une crème brulée et une baguette avec du camembert.

Mr. Salahi? Was that you?

2010-10-12T10:56:00.001-04:00

I hopped in Peter's car and noticed a $50 parking ticket. I looked at the ticket just close enough to notice that the ticket officer's last name was Niazi. Niazi? The name definitely warrants a Simsons laugh. Haa Ha.

But then wait a minute. What's the make of the vehicle say? Two door Mercedes? One thing our '92 Avalon has never been confused with, is a Mercedes.

Two options. Either officer Niazi is blind, or some d-bag in a Mercedes, got a parking ticket and thought that we'd be dumb enough to pay it if he stuck it on our car. Good one man. You have to get up prretty early in the morning... because we are dumb. Dumb like foxes!

Thanks to Andy Cohen, I have been able to narrow down my options of who did this. Because in D.C. there have got to be only like 5 or 6 self important luxury car drivers with no moral compass right?

Cervelo

2010-10-09T08:55:00.000-04:00

Hey Fellas. You know how when you ask your wife if something is wrong and she says, "No." That really means that there is definitely something very wrong and you are in huge trouble?

Well, I totally know how that is. Like when Peter says, "I'm not letting you and your stupid iphone get within 50 feet of my new bike......"

I only have one choice.

Love you Pete. Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day.Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day. You deserve it.

Hoarders

2010-10-07T12:37:00.000-04:00

I watched the A&E show Hoarders for the first time last night. The show featured a girl I knew in high school who has become a hoarder. When I first heard she was going to be on the show, I was excited in a voyeuristic way to see someone I knew on reality TV. But you know? I learned a valuable lesson. I don't really want to watch a reality TV show about trash bags being taken out of a house. I prefer the reality shows that film trash bags that fight, lie, drink too much, speak with Jersey accents, pass out roses, wear bikinis, and do stupid things in hot tubs. Oh and the trash bags that wear giant clocks around their necks? I miss that guy.

So this show Hoarders, it was sad and I don't think I'll watch it again. But have you ever been on the receiving end of a hoarder? I have. And let me tell you, if you are a poor student, it can be awesome. I had a close family member who was a hoarder and had a very real QVC (home shopping network) addiction. Her hoarding basically furnished our entire apartment. But even after we took all that stuff, there still was no room for us to sleep in her five bedroom house. Every time I helped her clean out her place, I discovered something totally great. One time I found a shelf full of purses. I kept two Dooney and Bourke bags for myself and donated the rest. Then I opened her opened her night stand drawer and found that it was stuffed to the brim with bra extenders-- you know, pieces of fabric for women who are too big to fit any bra. This other time I was seriously cleaning and I opened a dresser drawer and found 37 pairs of navy capris. When I thought she wasn't looking, I threw them out. But I guess she did see though because every single time I saw her for the next nine years, she would glare at me and say, "I still can't find any of my navy capris." I could go on and on but I'm guessing that the stuff I found is only fascinating to me. I had forgotten about our family's hoarder until the other day when I was going through some old pictures and I found something small I took from her house. It's not much, but I couldn't bring myself to throw it out.

Let's all say it together out loud, "What the.. huh?"

Of course the person that invented the patent pending 'booby bibs' would be named Liz McGee.

Of course.

Frenemy

2010-09-27T16:56:00.000-04:00

I have a frenemy who gives me great fodder for this blog. But I've never written about it because I love her too much. She is a lovable elitist which is my favorite kind of person and she is a much better woman than I. Nevertheless she is a frenemy and I can't resist transcribing our latest conversation.

Frenemy: There is a guy who works at the gym child care that I want to ask you about. He totally gave me the creeps. He was dressed really sloppy and acting strange and it is pretty clear that he doesn't work out. Which makes me wonder why he wants to work at the gym, and in childcare nonetheless! As I was leaving he said in this weird voice, "Do you like Yo Gabba Gabba?" and I think he might be gay. Do you know what that guy's story is?

Me: Oh yeah, I know who that is, he had a stroke that left him mildly disabled. Nice guy though. Totally harmless.

Frenemy's hand flew up to her mouth, but she knew she couldn't take the words back. I knew who she was talking about after like one second of describing, but I just wanted to see how thin her filter was that day. Because it varies.

What do you say we leave for California?

2010-09-20T12:33:00.000-04:00

There's nothin' like going to California for a quick weekend trip with true friends. And in typical fashion, I didn't come home with any meaningful pictures. But I think you'll see that the quick iphone shots give a pretty good idea of how things went.

The guy sitting next to me on the plane told me he is in the army before took up about 20% of my seat and fell asleep. I have been known to shove strangers' arms back into their space on a plane. But this guy had a weird arm twitch when he slept. And check out the title of the book. So I left him be.

At the baggage claim, definitely in California.

Just a quick stop to pick up a souvenir for Pete. He has this shirt in every color except blue.

I made sure to get a great babysitter while Pete was at work.

But forgot to remind Peter that babies will fall off counter-tops if you leave 'em there.

May or may not have tried on some trashy clothes with friends.

I came out of the dressing room laughing hysterically to show my friends. At the same time, another girl came out wearing the same outfit-- not as a joke.

It's not a beach town unless you find some trannies.

I thought transvestites were supposed to be nice. And finger snap and call you honey. But these wanted to jump us.

And a little souvenir shopping for me.

Yes thank you.

Crickets

2010-09-14T23:44:00.000-04:00

I know that this may seem hard to believe, but every once in a while, no one laughs at my jokes. Okay, most of the time, no one laughs at my jokes.

Last month for example. I was teaching a lesson in church. And this lady raised her hand to make a comment. She started by saying, "When I was young, I remember hearing the word 'revelation' all of the time......" Then I interrupted the lady and said, "Well hey, that's a lot better than the word I used to hear all the time when I was young; the word 'disappointment.'"

Crickets.

Seriously nothing.

Come on that's a little funny!

That's why I love this Zack Galifinakis guy. Especially the Between Two Ferns thing he does on Funny Or Die. Totally relate.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Peter sent me the link to this the other day when I had to spend about three hours on the phone reseting a bunch of bank and credit card passwords. As this clip was running the guy on the phone from Capital One Bank who was helping me out said, "Okay, I've just reset your password. It should work now. When the page asks for your password, you just have to enter 'MUSIC123.'"
   I said, "Music 123?"
   He said, "Yeah, you know music, like the music you listen to?"
   "Ahhhh," I answer sarcastically, "I wasn't sure what kind of music you were talking about."

Crickets.

On the other end of the phone, as well as on the video clip I was listening to.

I started giggling at the awkward silence. And, as usual, had a tough time finishing the conversation.

80's Night

2010-09-11T10:04:00.000-04:00

I'm hanging wallpaper in the bathroom. There's 80' music blaring from the living room where Pete's watching TV. Suddenly he I hear him yell at the TV,

'"Do you want to go home and change?" Seriously dude? It's so obvious she's dressed up. I mean look, she's wearing pearls. Why would he say that? So lame."

Can you guess the movie he was watching?

Never knew Pete would get so worked up over a Molly Ringwald flick.

By the way, hanging wallpaper is the worst. A lesson I should have remembered from the 80's

Annual Southern Experience

2010-09-03T22:18:00.000-04:00

About once a year I end up venturing into the real South for some reason or another. Every year I learn something new. Last year I learned not to buy boiled peanuts off the side of the road. They're gross. The year before that I learned not buy cajun flavored boiled peanut off the side of the road. They're grosser. Baby steps people.

This year was no different. Forced to evacuate from our beach house in the Outer Banks because of hurricane Earl, we headed West for the night and found a cheap motel in Wilson, North Carolina. Ever been? Didn't think so. Wondering where Wilson is? Well it's 30 minutes north of the world's biggest pork supply. So now you know where I'm talking about right?

So 200 miles inland we were officially in the deep South. And I can't go through the deep South without eating some southern cookin' on account of my ruts (roots) not to be confused with my rats (rights) which is what the South was fightin' fur during the war.

Didn't have to look too hard to find some real North Carolina barbeque.

Behold, "Bill's Barbecue, Buffet and Convention Center." Um, yeah this'll do.

My in-laws are fancier than me. But I was so excited about eating that I forgot that a place that looks like this makes fancy people nervous.

A picture of two cousins. Happy little clams. It's hard to see, but they came to the table from the buffet wearing rubber gloves that they'd found. I didn't worry, or ask any questions. Too busy eating.

I got my plate of food and started scarffing. My brother in-law brought over a "dare plate," full of food that he didn't recognize. The contents of the dare plate were identical to mine.

Recognize any of this stuff?

How 'bout this?

At one point someone commented that their physical health was probably safer in the middle of the hurricane than at Bill's bbq.

I couldn't disagree.

But I kept on a eatin'.

And I learnt a valuable lesson. It's much tougher to be sneaky about taking candid pictures with a fancy DSLR camera. But I managed to do it. And boy am I glad I did.

We're back in the Outer Banks, safe and sound. And all fatter and wiser thanks to Earl.

Things That I Wish Were Different Right Now

2010-09-02T22:47:00.000-04:00

With a new school year looming ahead, (no we haven't started school yet) I'm starting to feel the stress of school life once again. One of my very few flaws is that I waste time thinking about things I can't change. Why do I do that? Totally unproductive. So to counter that, I instead try to think about unimportant things that I can't change. Here's a list I made:

Things that have no effect on my life, but I'd change them if I could.

I wish that Phil Collins was better looking.
I wish that Kirstie Alley hadn't gained a bunch of weight.
I wish that Meg Ryan hadn't done what she did to her lips.
I wish that Kim Kardashian would just once leave the house without a full face of make-up. And confirm my suspicion that she looks like the V for Vendetta mask.
I wish that I could see the actual expense list for a two million dollar wedding (you know like the one Chelsea Clinton just had?) I mean how do you even do that? What's the wedding dress made of--- one million dollars?
I wish I knew who Robert Downy Jr's life coach is so that I could hire him. How in the heckeroo do you make a comeback like that?
I wish that Parker Posey and I were friends. (Pete, you'll never believe this, I just googled her and guess where she's from? Laurel MS!)

Random thoughts I know, but I do feel better. I'm currently on vacation so I've been reading a lot of US Weekly and OK mags. As you can tell.

Slumdog Pole Dancing

2010-08-23T07:47:00.000-04:00

I know the title of the post sounds dirty, keep watching though. This clip made my day.

Now I have to go back to finding Polka Dot Door clips on youtube for my two year old. We're obsessed with 70's kids shows.

Insert Here: Annual Whine About Buying School Supplies.

2010-08-18T16:33:00.000-04:00

I really don't have the energy to complain about what I've just spent on required school supplies for my first, third, and fourth graders. 30 glue sticks for one kid? Come on!

Instead, I'm going to keep reminding myself that I live in a fancy county which all but guarantees that my kids are going to turn out better than yours. I'll just consider this expense my insurance policy. Raising your kids in Fairfax county means that I don't ever have to worry about them ending up in rehab, or if you're from Utah, an eating disorder clinic, or if your poor, poor people's rehab, which is also known as jail.

Either way, At this point in the summer, I'll happily put up the $150 for school supplies if it means I can send my kids back to school during the day. I mean, I love 'em and all, but I'm getting a bit tired of explaining this type of behavior to the neighbors.

Oregon Trail

2010-08-16T14:17:00.002-04:00

Are we really friends?

If this strikes a chord with you, you'll know the answer is yes.

The Oregon Trail - Official Trailer - watch more funny videos

We'd play Oregon Trail at least once a week in the computer lab. The game ran slow as hell and I still don't know the difference between a floppy disc and whatever the other kind of disc was called. But I do know that if there was dirt on your disc, it would make the people in the game look like they had chromosome damage. Man did I love playing that game. Usually when I played I would really try to get to Oregon, but every once in a while I'd see how far I could get if I spent all my money on flour and bullets. Prrre--tty far if you don't cross any rivers.

I would always choose the same name to be the Dad of our Pioneer family. My elementary school crushMichael George. eAhhh he was a totally radical dude, or as I liked to call him, dude-ical. But I don't think he returned the sentiment because he was always naming the mom of his Oregon Trail family poopface or Max Hedron or something really clever like that.
And it was always sorta sad when someone in your family died, sad until I learned what dysentery was. That just added a whole new dimension to the game.

And remember the hunting?

Do kids still get to play hunting games in school? In my kids' school they get suspended for ~~finger banging~~ making your finger into a pretend gun. On Oregon Trail, you can actually shoot stuff, and kill it. Who cares if you hunt when you don't need to. Who cares if you kill 2000 pounds of meat and can't take any of it. Who cares if your hunter looks like a stormtrooper and not a pioneer. That's good learnin'.

Things That Are Not Funny

2010-08-13T18:36:00.000-04:00

Dead puppies
Getting fired
Falling and getting hurt
Attempted rape in the projects

So then why can't I stop laughing?

Heather Meagan and Carrie, don't even think about watching the T-pain musical version of this unless you're close to a bathroom.

Confessions In The Locker Room

2010-08-09T16:57:00.001-04:00

I'm going to make a general statement, try to stay with me. When an average decent person receives poor treatment in any given situation, they generally only deserve it about 20 percent of the time.

Okay?

Now think about the undeserved poor treatment you receive in your life. You know, at the DMV or talking to an airline worker. It usually happens because someone has had a bad day, is stuck in a bad job, or lives in a crappy life and they just sort of take it out on you. Can we agree?

Okay now let's assume that I am an average decent person. I mean, I may be a bit better looking than you, but that's beside the point, not even worth mentioning really. For argument's sake, we're both average decent people. But here's the thing, when I am treated poorly, and I don't deserve it, it is almost never because of a bad day, job or life. It is usually because the perp has decided to hate me. Think about it. Have you ever had someone that has decided that they hate you? For no reason. No reason. Be honest. I'm guessing the answer is no. It happens to me all the time. I've been working at the same gym for almost 6 years and this woman hate hates me.

She's actually a good person I think. Been there forever on the hospitality staff. She sits there and folds towels. She knows everyone's name, but if she doesn't know your name she'll call you 'baby' or 'honey child' (she'll call you that, not me.) And she'll tell you that Jesus loves you. And half the time you see her, she'll be singing gospel songs.

But she hates me. I swear I didn't do anything. This one time I wanted to find out how the gym's tanning beds work. I was really nervous about it because I had never ever been tanning before and I didn't know what to do or how I was supposed to pay for it or get someone to unlock the door to the tanning room. I was really embarrassed to ask about it but I mustered up the courage and asked this woman how it all worked. I got halfway through my question when she started yelling at me. Saying, that I was stupid because I didn't know that they got rid of the tanning beds and I shouldn't be using them anyway because tanning is bad for you. I just sort of put my head down and walked my red face away. I've still never been tanning.

That was the last time I had a conversation with her, now when she sees me, she just stops what she's doing and glares at me. Last week she was in the middle of belting out "Fully Committed," and she stopped and looked at me and just shook her head back and forth. It's really embarrassing. It makes me wonder if I'm not such a decent person after all, maybe she has that Shallow Hal gift and can see into my soul. Which brings me to my next order of business. Check out what this woman was doing in the locker room this morning.

Eating oatmeal out of a pot with a wooden spoon. And yes, that is a woman. She has a black belt so I was really careful to not get caught taking a picture of her.

jensen authenticity

Happy New Year.

Am I THAT sister?

Or are they just jerks?

Family picturesInboxx

I get it.

Get Outta My Head Alec

Happy Birthday Jordan and Ezra

Thank You Genetics

Palladia is Depressing

No Birthday Candles for Peter

Count Down to Peter's Birthday

Come on Ieeeeee have to say that this song has been stuck in my head for a week.

Mesquite Nevada, A Cautionary Tale

Harie Pottah

COB

Still Here

Don't Judge a Book by it's Shirtlessness

Peter and Camilla

Camilla and Peter

Camilla and Peter

This One's For the Rams

Field Trip--A Cautionary Tale.

Email Exchange Between Me and Pete

Yorktown Beach

Dear Peter,

But The Thing I Love MOST About Marrying A Guy From Oregon . . .

The Best Thing About Marrying a Guy From Oregon

Rated R

A Day in the Life

Confession

Hipsters

Aw Come On Guys It's Not That Bad.

Just Doing Some Housekeeping

Nuclear Boy

Surly Blogger Award

Vegas.

Led by the Spirit

Mel Gibson, Colin Farrell: Radical People

Getting Tired of Staring at Luca?

My Name is Luca

Peacocking

Lesson: If You Talk About Someone on the Internet, They Might Find Out.

Jensen Family Christmas Letter

Speaking of Gauze Underwear . . .

Holiday Party

Peter Jensen

What do you get?

Emergency

A Child of the Ninety's Raising Children.

Disgruntled

I know why you're single.

Happy Birthday Ezra and I think I'm Benjamin Button

Backfire

Conan Tonight

On Our Own

One last trip post, this is not a doctored pic.

Lesson: Louis XVI was a Weiner and I'm Gonna Give Myself Diabetes

It's Official

À Paris

Mr. Salahi? Was that you?

Cervelo

Hoarders

Frenemy

What do you say we leave for California?

Crickets

80's Night

Annual Southern Experience

Things That I Wish Were Different Right Now

Slumdog Pole Dancing

Insert Here: Annual Whine About Buying School Supplies.

Oregon Trail

Things That Are Not Funny

Confessions In The Locker Room

Family pictures
Inbox
x