Friday, April 29, 2011

Field Trip--A Cautionary Tale.

Today I went with Jonah on his school field trip to the National Museum of American History. I have to say, it was pretty fun. There were plenty of chaperones so I was only in charge of a few kids. There was Jonah, my own. Yvonne, that's a boy, pretty easy cute little kid, though he didn't like me calling him "Miss Yvonne." Graham: he's a know it all who tries to make everyone feel dumb including me. I wanted to cuff him the entire trip but I couldn't because his mom is this real tough former college soccer player FBI agent who sorta scares me. And then there was Connor, I could tell he was awesome by the way he wore a dress shirt and tie tucked into sweat pants. Man that's a tough look to pull off, but Connor can do it cause he rocks.

Some highlights of the trip:

 Explaining to the kids what plutonium-238 is. Turns out I'm smarter than I thought I was. 

Explaining to the kids that they couldn't do the flight simulator because it costs money.

Eating a hot dog on the mall for lunch with Peter. 

Taking this picture. 

The low point on the trip was the bus ride home. We were three to a seat and Jonah and Yvonne were getting restless so I handed them my iphone. When they got bored of playing games, they started to look through the pictures. All the sudden one of the boys yells, "Jonah's looking at sexy swimsuit pictures!"
  All the kids crowd around the phone which at this point was out of my reach. Then I remembered the joke pictures I took with some friends at the beach. 
This picture being passed around a school bus of 7 year olds was humiliating on so many levels. First of all, who keeps a picture like that of herself on her own phone? Second, because the entire front of the bus started chanting, "Sex-y Lad-y." I didn't know what to do, there were two options as I saw it. One of the scenarios would end in me using my Christmas Story voice, "aw come on guys give it back give it beeaaack." The other scenario involved me using my mom voice, "give me the phone back, I'm gonna count to three." Either way I would look ridiculous so I just whispered to Jonah to hurry and get my phone back, which he eventually did, but not before the teachers figured out what happened. 

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Email Exchange Between Me and Pete

Me: There's a Provident Living class at the church tonight on meal planning and food storage. It's at 7:30. I'd like to go if it works.

Pete: Should be fine. I'll be home around 7.
         But you're not allowed to buy anything. I think food storage is kinda creepy.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Yorktown Beach

  Either you know my friend Emily, or you've heard me talk about her. She's real I promise, not like my pretend boyfriend George Glass. Emily is a college roommate. She's tall and blonde and smart and fun and beautiful and you want to hate her but you can't.  We've both ended up in Virginia--lucky me. So yesterday we decided to pack up the kids and go to the beach. Emily took me to Yorktown beach.

 The beach was small and there was a little rock wall a few feet out from the shore that the kids could wade out to and climb  around on. We were all having a good time, there were a couple of kids there and our kids made friends with a little six year old boy. They all played on the rocks together while Emily and I chatted with the boy's mom. She was telling us about how she homeschools her kid and gets through it with "alotta prayin' " when Shea yelled from the rocks, "Mom, are people animals?"
  "Yes." I shouted back. 
   We kept talking when Shea asked another question, "Mom. Are people humans?"
  "Yes. " I shouted back. Apparently there was some sort of arguement going on and I was helping Shea's case.  Shea kept asking questions. "Mom. Are people mammals?"
  "What is a mammal?"
 This time Emily responded, "Mammals lactate and have a special inner-ear bone."
  With that answer, the kids all wandered back to us three moms and the new little friend started complaining to his mom. "Mama, They're sayin' that people are mammals and animals."
 And right as I said, "Well they are." Our new mom friend said, "We just learned in homeschool how God made the animals and then on another day he made people that are different and more special than animals." Then she turns to her boy and tells him not to talk mean to his new friends. To which he replies, 

"But Mama, they're evolution people!"

 Isn't that great! Evolution people!

  A little while later, Shea was digging in the sand when she announced that she had found a plant in the ground and she was going to pull it up. 

  Does this look like a plant to you? 

  Shea got excited when she thought she found the roots, when roots turned out to be the decomposing cat's paw, I realized what a long way Emily has come since she found a spider with and egg sac in our room freshman year. She was fighting some real demons and kept it together for the kids. Good job Em. 
  All in all, it was a good day at the beach. The kids had fun, I got some sun, and I feel like I'm a step closer to being able to articulate the need for people to make the distinction between being from Virginia, and Northern Virginia. I'm definitely from NoVa. 

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Dear Peter,

This is going to sound very Lewis Carol. But in my world, when a husband messes with his wife's blog, it's usually on her birthday so that he can tell her how much he loves her and how awesome she is. Not to post some lame footage of a basketball game. I'll leave it up there, but you will pay for this. 
Love Angela

But The Thing I Love MOST About Marrying A Guy From Oregon . . .

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Best Thing About Marrying a Guy From Oregon

It's not that I don't have to shave every day.
It's not the fact that any ocean feels warm and calm to him.
It's not the fact that he always has the radio set to the Pearl Jam station.
It's not the fact that he's introduced me to the best fast food chain ever.
All those things are nice, but what is really great are all the hippie stuff he gets invited to on Facebook.
Pete says his cousins are so hippie, they've come full circle. Ex. they love Mormons.

I have to admit that I have been wanting to awaken my divine feminine lately.

This one made me think of a couple of my friends who are about to give birth any day now.  Some people think that song and meditation can get you through a natural childbirth. For me, I like to go the 360 degree turn of the head, vomit split-pea soup and frequent use of the eff word route. Whatever gets the baby here safe and sound.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Rated R

I used to be a good girl. 

I refused to watch rated R movies. 

Once I was at a sleepover, and all the girls put on Interview With A Vampire. I called my mom and she came to pick me up. 

Then another time I was hanging out with a bunch of friends. They all wanted to watch Speed. I begged and begged them to put on another show because rated R movies are bad. They made fun of me and told me that we were all going to watch it anyway. So I said a silent prayer, asking for help out of this horrible situation. And then a miracle happened, and this is the truth. For some unknown reason the disc wouldn't play. My friends tried for about 20 minutes to figure out the problem but we ended up watching City Slickers II. I decided that there were greater powers at work, encouraging me to stay away from evil rated R movies. Because what's worse than a rated R movie? 

I'll tell you what's worse.

A few months after my personal miracle. I stayed home and babysat my siblings so while my parents went to a movie. When they came home, I said, "What movie did you see?"

My parents were quiet for a minute, looked at each other, and then my dad said, "We didn't go to a movie, we just stayed in the car and made out the whole time."


I dry heaved all the way to my room. 

Then about a week later, my mom goes, "I have something to tell you, the other night when your dad said that we didn't go to a movie . . . well that wasn't true. We did go to a movie, we saw Braveheart." Then she started going on and on about what an incredible movie it was. I didn't really care about how great of a movie it was, but I decided one thing. If I had to choose between an image in my head of my parents making out, or one of them watching Braveheart. It was pretty darn obvious which one I'd choose. Maybe rated R movies weren't so bad after all. 

I ended up marrying a guy who took me to see Ronin on our first date. 

Since then I think a lot about rated R movies. Are they really the best standard? I can think of 10 rated R movies that everyone should see before they die. I can think of 10 rated R movies I wish I hadn't seen. I can think of 10 PG-13 movies that I'll never let my children watch. (Most of them came out of the 80's.)  I'm currently trying to come up with a formula to determine which rated R movies are really worth seeing. I know that if an R movie gets 90% or higher on Rotten Tomatoes, it's worth seeing. But I think there must be more to it than that. 

 I think if you want to keep smut out of your brain, no R movies is a pretty safe guideline. But I think I'm a better person because I've seen;

The Godfather
Saving Private Ryan
Schindler's List
Shawshank Redemption
The Hangover

I can think of a bunch of others but I think you get the point. Am I way off base here? 

Because of the mental association, to this day, I still can't watch Braveheart. And I've tried. 

Friday, April 1, 2011

A Day in the Life

  Because it's April 1st. I thought I'd treat this blog like my journal for the day. I'm not much different than anyone else. Last night Shea (8) and I planned a little April Fools joke on the rest of the kids. As they were getting ready for bed I shouted, "I"m not your maid! Seriously you guys clean up your crap. If I see anyone leave clothes in the middle of the floor for me to pick up, I'm going to make them eat the poop out of Ezra's diaper!" The sad thing about this joke is that none of my kids could tell I was joking when I yelled something like that at them.  So Shea purposefully left a pair of pants in the middle of the floor for me to see this morning. While everyone was getting ready for school, I picked up the pants and yelled, "Shea what did I say? I'm getting a diaper." Shea got this horrified look on her face and backed into a corner and started to cry. I ran into my room grabbed the diaper that I had previously prepared with some left over ganache and brought it into Shea. Everyone was crowded around as I yelled, "Eat it! Eat it!" She shook her head so I picked up one of the little turds and put it in her mouth. All the kids shrieked. It took a minute before they realized from Shea's reaction that it wasn't poop. Pretty good joke. 
  After I got the kids off to school, I went to the gym. I was running 6 miles, like I do every Friday. I looked up from the Gossip Girl I was watching to see a trivia question on one of the overhead TVs.
Who tweeted, "I"m eating like a pig right before I put my gown on! LOL"?
    A. Kirstie Alley
    B. Kendra Wilkinson
    C. Wendy Williams

Is it pathetic that I knew the answer to that question in like 1 second? Yes it is. 

Now I'm just sitting home looking through interior design blogs. 
I adore this.
This might change my life.
I wish I was here.
I wish I could live my life like this or this.
Instead, I'll just have to be happy with this.