Thursday, December 16, 2010


 Sometimes I snoop through my daughters' super secret drawer. And I don't feel guilty about it. This one time I found a folded piece of paper labeled "TOP SECRET" that Eliza had written up with a friend. On the paper was Eliza's name and her friend's name. Underneath the names, the two girls had written up "some secret bad words." 

Butt, Pee, Sucks, Shut-up, Boobs. 

 Pretty harmless, but I called the friend's mom to let her know about the list. I wanted to know where Eliza learned these words. I assumed the friend was the one who had made the list because it wasn't Eliza's handwriting and we don't use the word 'boobs' in our house. We prefer to call them 'humpty dumplings.'

  The friends' mother was shocked when I told her about the list. She told me that she would never go through her daughter's things like that. Such an invasion of privacy, such a betrayal of trust. But as we were talking, I coaxed her into looking in her daughter's room for anything similar. She found something after looking for like 30 seconds. A  "TOP SECRET" list nearly identical to the one I had, except my Eliza's name was not on the list. On the friends piece of paper, the list was almost the exact same.

"Secret Bad Words

Butt, Pee, Sucks, Shut-up, Boobs."

and in addition was the phrase, 

"Something a boy says when he wants to break-up with his girlfriend is kiss my ass."

 I loved the fact that this discovery was made while I was on the phone with the friend's mom who had just scolded me for invading my kids' privacy. 

 That was a few months ago. Today, during one of my regular sweeps, I found something much worse than 'boobs.' Much much much worse. It was in Shea's drawer. 


The paper was labeled: Beware of things. Magic things.

Here's what it said:

Things to avoid in realms.
Dark shadow, evil things can come your way. Big trolls, goblins will come your way so beware. Moving trees will zap you. Guy warlocks hide on trees. Try to go around. Zombees might eat you. Other bad things that might happen is you might get stuck in there for 1529 years. If you are not sure that you are a crater, stay next to a warlock or a witch and the person how will protect you. 

I'm not exactly sure what all this means. And I'm a bit panicked here. I mean, I have a general idea of how I want my kids to turn out, and weird goth, or Dungeons and Dragons fanatic is not on the list. I mean, I've already thrown out all black eyeliner, candles, capes, anything Twilight related--which was only like 7 or 8 boxes of stuff, but I don't know what else to do. Some may say that Shea just has an active imagination but when your ultimate goal is just for your kids to turn out normal, you can never be too careful. 


Carrie said...

Oh man--I am laughing so hard at this. Realms? Who even uses that words in grade school? Funny.

FYI--my hubby was a total D'n'D nerd when he was young and he turned out okay--I mean he is still super nerdy and knows way too much about medieval weapons and magical creatures but I can live with it :)

Janelle said...

I am cracking up. Should I admit that I once dated a magician and played D&D with him? Chris never lets me live that down. (Well, he's actually more amused by the fact that this guy is now a PROFESSIONAL magician. Ha.) I saw on FB that you are selling your house. Are you leaving Vienna?

Katherine said...

Oh my gosh. That is so hilarious. I like that these things appear to be a compilation of mental notes, written down to be SURE to not make any of these deathly mistakes. So good. Keep it forever.

Eliza said...

Ummm...funniest thing I've read all day. All week! My word verification is "slitisms" which sounds like a word that might be on Shea's list of things to avoid in realms.

camilla said...

I have been telling people about this everywhere I go, this is the funniest thing ever!

Molly said...

ha ha ha, this totally cracked me up! and i love what you considered to be "much much much worse!"