Sunday, November 21, 2010

I know why you're single.

I was in the grocery store at the check out line behind this guy. He pushes his cart forward and puts a six pack of beer, a bag of Doritos, and 10 Red Baron pizzas onto the belt. The store clerk looks at his items and says, "You're single aren't you." 

The man sort of smiles sheepishly and replies, "Yeah yeah, I bet you can tell by the stuff I'm buying right?"

The clerk says, "No, I can tell 'cause you're ugly."

Seriously though. There are great people in the world that find themselves single and shouldn't be. Beautiful, talented, charismatic and smart, and they haven't found love for some unknown reason. And then there are single people who are beautiful, talented, and smart, and I know exactly the reasons why they haven't found love. 

Like this guy I saw in the store last night. 

Dear sir, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you left the house in your Homer Simpson pants because you have strep throat and not because you've given up on civility. 

Now this is a bit more complicated. I was changing a diaper in the church bathroom and a single woman, not a girl (and by woman I mean someone older than me) came in and put her purse on the counter next to me. And I knew she was single because the singles ward was just starting. I had no choice but to take a picture. Meanwhile I left Ezra crawling around on the bathroom floor, so if he gets hepatitis, I guess you could say I got what I deserved. Well, I guess you should say he got what I deserved but my point is, look at this purse!
Edward and Bella 
Leo and Kate
Johnny and June Cash
Patrick and Demi
Patrick and Baby

All decoupaged on this grown woman's purse. I wanted to wait until she came out of the bathroom and hug her and tell her that I had some bad news; this purse isn't real life, this is movies. 

  Sweetie, you are never going to find a man like this. He doesn't exist. I know because I married the greatest man alive and he doesn't want to suck blood, sing, do pottery or dance. But I guess that every once in a while does he scream that he's the king of the world and does lame Irish dances in the basement of our ship. But when that happens I usually just cuff him and tell him to turn off the Blazer game and come to bed. 

Friday, November 19, 2010

Happy Birthday Ezra and I think I'm Benjamin Button

Here's the cake I made for Jonah when he turned 1 in 2005.

Cute right? It's obviously"Rocket" from Little Einsteins.

Here's the cake I made for Ezra's first birthday in 2010.

What the heck is wrong with me?

Would that this cake were a time cake.

Sunday, November 14, 2010


Yesterday we went to Shea's end of season soccer party at Fudruckers. As we were eating a boy from school walked by us, tapped Shea on the shoulder and said, "Hi Shea."

Shea sweetly said hi back. "Hi Brian."

Teasing her, I said, "Oooh Shea whooo's that?"

Shea rolled her eyes at me and said, "It's just Brian from school."

"Oooh is he your boyfriend?"

"No, he's just a boy from school, mom I'm warning you."

"Are you sure he's just your friend? He's pretty cute."

Shea shakes her head at me and gives me this 'you'll be sorry' look. Then she turns around and shouts to the boy across the crowded restaurant,


The restaurant goes silent, and I turn around to look at Brian's table. He and his parents glare at me, totally disgusted.

That's when I realize, that I may say that I want the best for my kids, but I don't really want them to be smarter than me. And that's why I won't be buying, Your Baby Can Read. It's bad enough that I've been outsmarted by an 8 year old, if my one year old could read better than me, it would take any shred of dignity I have left. Also, I don't believe that a human who regularly gets diarrhea up his back should be allowed to learn to read, it's the principle of the thing. How about inventing the video and flash cards, Your Baby Can Clean Up His Own Poop. Now there's my meal ticket.