Monday, September 27, 2010

Frenemy

I have a frenemy who gives me great fodder for this blog. But I've never written about it because I love her too much. She is a lovable elitist which is my favorite kind of person and she is a much better woman than I. Nevertheless she is a frenemy and I can't resist transcribing our latest conversation.

Frenemy: There is a guy who works at the gym child care that I want to ask you about. He totally gave me the creeps. He was dressed really sloppy and acting strange and it is pretty clear that he doesn't work out. Which makes me wonder why he wants to work at the gym, and in childcare nonetheless! As I was leaving he said in this weird voice, "Do you like Yo Gabba Gabba?" and I think he might be gay. Do you know what that guy's story is?

Me: Oh yeah, I know who that is, he had a stroke that left him mildly disabled. Nice guy though. Totally harmless.

Frenemy's hand flew up to her mouth, but she knew she couldn't take the words back. I knew who she was talking about after like one second of describing, but I just wanted to see how thin her filter was that day. Because it varies.

Monday, September 20, 2010

What do you say we leave for California?

There's nothin' like going to California for a quick weekend trip with true friends. And in typical fashion, I didn't come home with any meaningful pictures. But I think you'll see that the quick iphone shots give a pretty good idea of how things went. 

The guy sitting next to me on the plane told me he is in the army before took up about 20% of my seat and fell asleep. I have been known to shove strangers' arms back into their space on a plane. But this guy had a weird arm twitch when he slept. And check out the title of the book. So I left him be.




At the baggage claim, definitely in California.



Just a quick stop to pick up a souvenir for Pete. He has this shirt in every color except blue.   



I made sure to get a great babysitter while Pete was at work.
But forgot to remind Peter that babies will fall off counter-tops if you leave 'em there.


May or may not have tried on some trashy clothes with friends.
I came out of the dressing room laughing hysterically to show my friends. At the same time, another girl came out wearing the same outfit-- not as a joke. 


It's not a beach town unless you find some trannies.
I thought transvestites were supposed to be nice. And finger snap and call you honey. But these wanted to jump us. 


And a little souvenir shopping for me. 
Yes thank you. 

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Crickets

 I know that this may seem hard to believe, but every once in a while, no one laughs at my jokes. Okay, most of the time, no one laughs at my jokes.

Last month for example. I was teaching a lesson in church. And this lady raised her hand to make a comment. She started by saying, "When I was young, I remember hearing the word 'revelation' all of the time......" Then I interrupted the lady and said, "Well hey, that's a lot better than the word I used to hear all the time when I was young; the word 'disappointment.'"

Crickets.

Seriously nothing.

Come on that's a little funny!

That's why I love this Zack Galifinakis guy. Especially the Between Two Ferns thing he does on Funny Or Die. Totally relate.



Peter sent me the link to this the other day when I had to spend about three hours on the phone reseting a bunch of bank and credit card passwords. As this clip was running the guy on the phone from Capital One Bank who was helping me out said, "Okay, I've just reset your password. It should work now. When the page asks for your password, you just have to enter 'MUSIC123.'"
    I said, "Music 123?"
    He said, "Yeah, you know music, like the music you listen to?"
   "Ahhhh," I answer sarcastically, "I wasn't sure what kind of music you were talking about."

Crickets.

On the other end of the phone, as well as on the video clip I was listening to.

I started giggling at the awkward silence.  And, as usual, had a tough time finishing the conversation.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

80's Night

I'm hanging wallpaper in the bathroom. There's 80' music blaring from the living room where Pete's watching TV. Suddenly he I hear him yell at the TV,

'"Do you want to go home and change?" Seriously dude? It's so obvious she's dressed up. I mean look, she's wearing pearls. Why would he say that? So lame."

Can you guess the movie he was watching?

Never knew Pete would get so worked up over a Molly Ringwald flick.

By the way, hanging wallpaper is the worst. A lesson I should have remembered from the 80's

Friday, September 3, 2010

Annual Southern Experience

About once a year I end up venturing into the real South for some reason or another. Every year I learn something new. Last year I learned not to buy boiled peanuts off the side of the road. They're gross. The year before that I learned not buy cajun flavored boiled peanut off the side of the road. They're grosser. Baby steps people. 

This year was no different. Forced to evacuate from our beach house in the Outer Banks because of hurricane Earl, we headed West for the night and found a cheap motel in Wilson, North Carolina. Ever been? Didn't think so. Wondering where Wilson is? Well it's 30 minutes north of the world's biggest pork supply. So now you know where I'm talking about right? 

So 200 miles inland we were officially in the deep South. And I can't go through the deep South without eating some southern cookin' on account of my ruts (roots) not to be confused with my rats (rights) which is what the South was fightin' fur during the war. 

Didn't have to look too hard to find some real North Carolina barbeque. 

Behold, "Bill's Barbecue, Buffet and Convention Center." Um, yeah this'll do. 



My in-laws are fancier than me. But I was so excited about eating that I forgot that a place that looks like this makes fancy people nervous.






A picture of two cousins. Happy little clams. It's hard to see, but they came to the table from the buffet wearing rubber gloves that they'd found. I didn't worry, or ask any questions. Too busy eating.



I got my plate of food and started scarffing. My brother in-law brought over a "dare plate," full of food that he didn't recognize. The contents of the dare plate were identical to mine.

Recognize any of this stuff?

How 'bout this?



At one point someone commented that their physical health was probably safer in the middle of the hurricane than at Bill's bbq.

I couldn't disagree.

But I kept on a eatin'.

And I learnt a valuable lesson. It's much tougher to be sneaky about taking candid pictures with a fancy DSLR camera. But I managed to do it. And boy am I glad I did.


We're back in the Outer Banks, safe and sound. And all fatter and wiser thanks to Earl.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Things That I Wish Were Different Right Now

With a new school year looming ahead, (no we haven't started school yet) I'm starting to feel the stress of school life once again. One of my very few flaws is that I waste time thinking about things I can't change. Why do I do that? Totally unproductive. So to counter that, I instead try to think about unimportant things that I can't change. Here's a list I made:

Things that have no effect on my life, but I'd change them if I could.
  • I wish that Phil Collins was better looking.
  • I wish that Kirstie Alley hadn't gained a bunch of weight.
  • I wish that Meg Ryan hadn't done what she did to her lips. 
  • I wish that Kim Kardashian would just once leave the house without a full face of make-up. And confirm my suspicion that she looks like the V for Vendetta mask. 
  • I wish that I could see the actual expense list for a two million dollar wedding (you know like the one Chelsea Clinton just had?) I mean how do you even do that? What's the wedding dress made of--- one million dollars?
  • I wish I knew who Robert Downy Jr's life coach is so that I could hire him. How in the heckeroo do you make a comeback like that? 
  • I wish that Parker Posey and I were friends. (Pete, you'll never believe this, I just googled her and guess where she's from? Laurel MS!)
Random thoughts I know, but I do feel better. I'm currently on vacation so I've been reading a lot of US Weekly and OK mags. As you can tell.