Monday, August 23, 2010

Slumdog Pole Dancing

I know the title of the post sounds dirty, keep watching though. This clip made my day.

Now I have to go back to finding Polka Dot Door clips on youtube for my two year old. We're obsessed with 70's kids shows.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Insert Here: Annual Whine About Buying School Supplies.

  I really don't have the energy to complain about what I've just spent on required school supplies for my first, third, and fourth graders. 30 glue sticks for one kid? Come on!

   Instead, I'm going to keep reminding myself that I live in a fancy county which all but guarantees that my kids are going to turn out better than yours. I'll just consider this expense my insurance policy. Raising your kids in Fairfax county means that I don't ever have to worry about them ending up in rehab, or if you're from Utah, an eating disorder clinic, or if your poor, poor people's rehab, which is also known as jail.

Either way, At this point in the summer, I'll happily put up the $150 for school supplies if it means I can send my kids back to school during the day. I mean, I love 'em and all, but I'm getting a bit tired of explaining this type of behavior to the neighbors.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Oregon Trail

Are we really friends?

If this strikes a chord with you, you'll know the answer is yes.

The Oregon Trail - Official Trailer - watch more funny videos

We'd play Oregon Trail at least once a week in the computer lab. The game ran slow as hell and I still don't know the difference between a floppy disc and whatever the other kind of disc was called. But I do know that if there was dirt on your disc, it would make the people in the game look like they had chromosome damage. Man did I love playing that game. Usually when I played I would really try to get to Oregon, but every once in a while I'd see how far I could get if I spent all my money on flour and bullets. Prrre--tty far if you don't cross any rivers.

 I would always choose the same name to be the Dad of our Pioneer family. My elementary school crushMichael George. eAhhh he was a totally radical dude, or as I liked to call him, dude-ical. But I don't think he returned the sentiment because he was always naming the mom of his Oregon Trail family poopface or Max Hedron or something really clever like that. 
  And it was always sorta sad when someone in your family died, sad until I learned what dysentery was. That just added a whole new dimension to the game. 

And remember the hunting?

Do kids still get to play hunting games in school? In my kids' school they get suspended for finger banging making your finger into a pretend gun. On Oregon Trail, you can actually shoot stuff, and kill it. Who cares if you hunt when you don't need to. Who cares if you kill 2000 pounds of meat and can't take any of it. Who cares if your hunter looks like a stormtrooper and not a pioneer. That's good learnin'. 

Friday, August 13, 2010

Things That Are Not Funny

Dead puppies
Getting fired
Falling and getting hurt
Attempted rape in the projects

So then why can't I stop laughing?

Heather Meagan and Carrie, don't even think about watching the T-pain musical version of this unless you're close to a bathroom.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Confessions In The Locker Room

I'm going to make a general statement, try to stay with me. When an average decent person receives poor treatment in any given situation, they generally only deserve it about 20 percent of the time.
Now think about the undeserved poor treatment you receive in your life. You know, at the DMV or talking to an airline worker. It usually happens because someone has had a bad day, is stuck in a bad job, or lives in a crappy life and they just sort of take it out on you. Can we agree?

Okay now let's assume that I am an average decent person. I mean, I may be a bit better looking than you, but that's beside the point, not even worth mentioning really. For argument's sake, we're both average decent people. But here's the thing, when I am treated poorly, and I don't deserve it, it is almost never because of a bad day, job or life. It is usually because the perp has decided to hate me. Think about it. Have you ever had someone that has decided that they hate you? For no reason. No reason. Be honest. I'm guessing the answer is no. It happens to me all the time. I've been working at the same gym for almost 6 years and this woman hate hates me.
  She's actually a good person I think. Been there forever on the hospitality staff. She sits there and folds towels. She knows everyone's name, but if she doesn't know your name she'll call you 'baby' or 'honey child' (she'll call you that, not me.) And she'll tell you that Jesus loves you. And half the time you see her, she'll be singing gospel songs. 

But she hates me. I swear I didn't do anything. This one time I wanted to find out how the gym's tanning beds work. I was really nervous about it because I had never ever been tanning before and I didn't know what to do or how I was supposed to pay for it or get someone to unlock the door to the tanning room. I was really embarrassed to ask about it but I mustered up the courage and asked this woman how it all worked. I got halfway through my question when she started yelling at me. Saying, that I was stupid because I didn't know that they got rid of the tanning beds and I shouldn't be using them anyway because tanning is bad for you. I just sort of put my head down and walked my red face away. I've still never been tanning. 

That was the last time I had a conversation with her, now when she sees me, she just stops what she's doing and glares at me. Last week she was in the middle of belting out "Fully Committed," and she stopped and looked at me and just shook her head back and forth. It's really embarrassing. It makes me wonder if I'm not such a decent person after all, maybe she has that Shallow Hal gift and can see into my soul. Which brings me to my next order of business.  Check out what this woman was doing in the locker room this morning. 
Eating oatmeal out of a pot with a wooden spoon. And yes, that is a woman. She has a black belt so I was really careful to not get caught taking a picture of her. 

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Lesbians that Look Like Justin Bieber

And I'm not being a jerk. Most of these are self submitted. 

And just in case you didn't see Betty White on SNL. 
(I sure hope this works, it's one of the funniest sketches I've seen in a long time.)