Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Peter Jensen

Do you know how many Peter Jensens there are? 

No I don't really care either. 

But do you have any idea how many Peter Jensens there are who have a gmail address with some sort of variation of the name? 

A crap load.

 It's pretty entertaining. Peter receives emails that are supposed to go to another Peter Jensen almost every day. There's a Peter Jensen in Canada, one in the Netherlands, a Peter Jensen who's in a band, even a BYU freshman named Peter Jensen. 

Sometimes he passes the good ones on to me. 

Like this one.

Sorry I don't know how to blur out the bad parts. 

Obviously this is from the Canadian Peter Jensen. And I don't mean obviously because of all the snow. 

It doesn't matter who sent this picture, or why it was sent. What matters is-- well, what the . . ? I mean yeah yeah it's a funny picture, but who would actually pose for this? Seriously, that's commitment. I  tell you what, this guy will never be the same. 

Monday, December 20, 2010

What do you get?



Christmas+ Reality Shows+Silicone+ Massive Egos+ The Addams Family meets the Sopranos=




Kardashian Family Christmas Card.

 For some reason, this picture makes me really really really mad. Who do these people think they are?

I know it's rare to see me bare the depths of my soul like this, but I can't help it. I'm a delicate flower of emotions.


Thursday, December 16, 2010

Emergency

 Sometimes I snoop through my daughters' super secret drawer. And I don't feel guilty about it. This one time I found a folded piece of paper labeled "TOP SECRET" that Eliza had written up with a friend. On the paper was Eliza's name and her friend's name. Underneath the names, the two girls had written up "some secret bad words." 

Butt, Pee, Sucks, Shut-up, Boobs. 

 Pretty harmless, but I called the friend's mom to let her know about the list. I wanted to know where Eliza learned these words. I assumed the friend was the one who had made the list because it wasn't Eliza's handwriting and we don't use the word 'boobs' in our house. We prefer to call them 'humpty dumplings.'

  The friends' mother was shocked when I told her about the list. She told me that she would never go through her daughter's things like that. Such an invasion of privacy, such a betrayal of trust. But as we were talking, I coaxed her into looking in her daughter's room for anything similar. She found something after looking for like 30 seconds. A  "TOP SECRET" list nearly identical to the one I had, except my Eliza's name was not on the list. On the friends piece of paper, the list was almost the exact same.

"Secret Bad Words

Butt, Pee, Sucks, Shut-up, Boobs."

and in addition was the phrase, 

"Something a boy says when he wants to break-up with his girlfriend is kiss my ass."

 I loved the fact that this discovery was made while I was on the phone with the friend's mom who had just scolded me for invading my kids' privacy. 

 That was a few months ago. Today, during one of my regular sweeps, I found something much worse than 'boobs.' Much much much worse. It was in Shea's drawer. 

                                     


The paper was labeled: Beware of things. Magic things.

Here's what it said:

Things to avoid in realms.
Dark shadow, evil things can come your way. Big trolls, goblins will come your way so beware. Moving trees will zap you. Guy warlocks hide on trees. Try to go around. Zombees might eat you. Other bad things that might happen is you might get stuck in there for 1529 years. If you are not sure that you are a crater, stay next to a warlock or a witch and the person how will protect you. 

I'm not exactly sure what all this means. And I'm a bit panicked here. I mean, I have a general idea of how I want my kids to turn out, and weird goth, or Dungeons and Dragons fanatic is not on the list. I mean, I've already thrown out all black eyeliner, candles, capes, anything Twilight related--which was only like 7 or 8 boxes of stuff, but I don't know what else to do. Some may say that Shea just has an active imagination but when your ultimate goal is just for your kids to turn out normal, you can never be too careful. 


Saturday, December 11, 2010

A Child of the Ninety's Raising Children.

Last week we sat down with the kids (9, 8, 6) and watched "So I Married an Axe Murderer."

They liked it. 

Don't you love it when you show your kids something that you used to love and they think it's pretty cool? Dad, I hope it makes you happy that I like Steely Dan, because I people make fun of me for it. And Mom, I hope it makes you happy that I love Man of Velvet Man of Steel, because that has really messed me up.

Anyway, we were sitting at dinner the other night, it was an uncommonly peaceful dinner. Then all the sudden Shea says, "You know what I love? That part of 'I Married a Murderer' when the dad says, 'That boys head is like a toothpick on an orange!'" 

The kids giggled and then Jonah takes a deep breath and  shouts. "WILLIAM! MEUVE YER DAMN HEED!"**

There goes our peaceful dinner.

  It's better than what happened last month, proof that our children have a father who is a child of the eighty's. After the kids watched Goonies, Pete and Jonah were playing Mario. Jonah's guy died and he said the 'S' word like 30 times in row. I shouted, "Jonah, if you say that again I will throw away that movie!" He looked away from the game at me and said okay. When he looked back at the game he realized that the two seconds he'd spent looking at me had cost Mario his life and said that word again. What happened next wasn't purdy. 


**That was also the night I discovered my childrens' talent for doing perfect Scottish accents.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Disgruntled

  Ya know what? I really do wish that this blog were my journal. I'm in the process of selling my house, trying to buy a new one, upsetting many realtors along the way and trying to beat the system. It is traumatic, but I have some good stories. But I'm not going to tell them. Well, not those stories at least. 

  Instead I want to explain why I've been thinking about that Jet Blue flight attendant a.k.a. my hero. 

  Did I mention that I work at a gym? Well I do. It's awesome, great set up. Except for a few things, like when they want me to actually do stuff. I have this new uh, boss who is always tryin' ta make me do stuff. And she sends like 5 emails a day with no real concern for tone or forethought. Well yesterday, I get this email from her telling me that if I don't take the online course on "preventing harassment," then I'm fired. She's never spoken to me about this, just a 'do it or else' email. 

  So I have two options here, I could either take the course. Or use this as my opportunity to go out in a blaze of glory. You know you've thought about it too after a bad day of work. That's why I love the Jet Blue guy, he actually went through with it. Man, did he ever. Grabs a coupla beers, shouts some expletives into the loud speaker, pulls the emergency slide, and runs home. So great. Pete and I really love the part of the story that the pilots waited like 40 minutes before they reported the incident. You know they just looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and said, "Blaze of glory man, let him go." 

 What about me though? It's not like I can really go down in a blaze of glory here. I mean what am I gonna do? The fitness instructors are like the red-headed stepchildren of our gym because we only teach for a few hours at a time, it's like a hobby, not a job so the full-time employees think we don't take them seriously yada yada yada. Gym politics are an entirely different blog entry, the point is. No one would really care if I quit so I just went in and took the damn course. 

  So I went into the club and sat down at the computer for over an hour and learned about harassment. All the while, I thought to myself that their asking me to take this online course was a form of harassment in itself. 


Hey check out one of the questions in the course. 

Can you read it? "Batal is Muslim . . . Which of the following could become a form of a hostile work environment?"

The answer C says, "Batal's coworkers have a running contest about the types of things Batal could be hiding under his turban.

Am I the only one who thinks it's funny that a course about unlawful harassment would have an incorrect assumption about Muslims? Like, that Muslims wear turbans. Sikhs wear turbans, and are not Muslims.  

Ya know? Against my better judgement I'm going to go ahead and  hit the "publish post" button. I hope no one that works at my gym reads this and forwards it to my boss. If I got fired over this blog, that would be the worst blaze of glory in history. 

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I know why you're single.

I was in the grocery store at the check out line behind this guy. He pushes his cart forward and puts a six pack of beer, a bag of Doritos, and 10 Red Baron pizzas onto the belt. The store clerk looks at his items and says, "You're single aren't you." 

The man sort of smiles sheepishly and replies, "Yeah yeah, I bet you can tell by the stuff I'm buying right?"

The clerk says, "No, I can tell 'cause you're ugly."

Seriously though. There are great people in the world that find themselves single and shouldn't be. Beautiful, talented, charismatic and smart, and they haven't found love for some unknown reason. And then there are single people who are beautiful, talented, and smart, and I know exactly the reasons why they haven't found love. 

Like this guy I saw in the store last night. 

Dear sir, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you left the house in your Homer Simpson pants because you have strep throat and not because you've given up on civility. 


Now this is a bit more complicated. I was changing a diaper in the church bathroom and a single woman, not a girl (and by woman I mean someone older than me) came in and put her purse on the counter next to me. And I knew she was single because the singles ward was just starting. I had no choice but to take a picture. Meanwhile I left Ezra crawling around on the bathroom floor, so if he gets hepatitis, I guess you could say I got what I deserved. Well, I guess you should say he got what I deserved but my point is, look at this purse!
Edward and Bella 
Leo and Kate
Johnny and June Cash
Patrick and Demi
Patrick and Baby

All decoupaged on this grown woman's purse. I wanted to wait until she came out of the bathroom and hug her and tell her that I had some bad news; this purse isn't real life, this is movies. 

  Sweetie, you are never going to find a man like this. He doesn't exist. I know because I married the greatest man alive and he doesn't want to suck blood, sing, do pottery or dance. But I guess that every once in a while does he scream that he's the king of the world and does lame Irish dances in the basement of our ship. But when that happens I usually just cuff him and tell him to turn off the Blazer game and come to bed. 



Friday, November 19, 2010

Happy Birthday Ezra and I think I'm Benjamin Button

Here's the cake I made for Jonah when he turned 1 in 2005.

Cute right? It's obviously"Rocket" from Little Einsteins.


Here's the cake I made for Ezra's first birthday in 2010.

What the heck is wrong with me?



Would that this cake were a time cake.




Sunday, November 14, 2010

Backfire

Yesterday we went to Shea's end of season soccer party at Fudruckers. As we were eating a boy from school walked by us, tapped Shea on the shoulder and said, "Hi Shea."

Shea sweetly said hi back. "Hi Brian."

Teasing her, I said, "Oooh Shea whooo's that?"

Shea rolled her eyes at me and said, "It's just Brian from school."

"Oooh is he your boyfriend?"

"No, he's just a boy from school, mom I'm warning you."

"Are you sure he's just your friend? He's pretty cute."

Shea shakes her head at me and gives me this 'you'll be sorry' look. Then she turns around and shouts to the boy across the crowded restaurant,

"HEY BRIAN, MY MOM THINKS YOU'RE CUTE!"

The restaurant goes silent, and I turn around to look at Brian's table. He and his parents glare at me, totally disgusted.

That's when I realize, that I may say that I want the best for my kids, but I don't really want them to be smarter than me. And that's why I won't be buying, Your Baby Can Read. It's bad enough that I've been outsmarted by an 8 year old, if my one year old could read better than me, it would take any shred of dignity I have left. Also, I don't believe that a human who regularly gets diarrhea up his back should be allowed to learn to read, it's the principle of the thing. How about inventing the video and flash cards, Your Baby Can Clean Up His Own Poop. Now there's my meal ticket.

Friday, October 29, 2010

On Our Own

If your childhood was anything like mine then you remember a couple of things happening. You had foie gras with dinner about once a month, you would go to great lengths to be able to wear a leotard under your school clothes, (by great lengths I mean lying and stealing) and you had a precious few VHS tapes that you watched over and over again. Here are some of mine.

Goonies (I bought this for my kids on DVD when we had to take a road trip, but had to throw it away when Jonah said the 's-word' about thirty times in 10 minutes. After every time I yelled at him to never ever say that naughty word. When he said it for the 29th time I held the DVD in my hand and threatened to break it in half if he said it again. He looked at me in the eyes and said, "okay mom." Then he looked back at the TV. And when he saw that his Wii Mario Bros. guy had died because he was distracted, he said it for the 30th time.)

The Frog Prince (starring Aileen Quinn)

Princess Bride

Indiana Jones


Saturday's Warrior

On Our Own

Now if you haven't see On Our Own, you can just move along, there's nothing to see here.

But however, if this clip strikes a chord with you. Well, then your welcome..... to nominate me for awesomeness.



And after looking around a little on youtube, I'm discovering that the movie Rigoletto was also a bit of a cult classic. I had never even heard of it until high school when, well, I'd rather not discuss it.

Monday, October 25, 2010

One last trip post, this is not a doctored pic.

Well we made it home, but not before spending another couple of crappy hours in Belgium. Did you know that the French tell jokes about Belgian people sorta the same way we used to tell Pollock jokes in the 80's? Those were good days, tell a funny joke without offending anyone because who really knows any Pollocks anyway? It's true though, the French have invented all kinds of un-funny jokes about Les Belges.  

Well I only had to spend a couple hours in Belgium to figure out why that is. 

I'm sorry to say that the only photo I took in Brussels was of this menu.  

If I would have stayed a bit longer, I would have liked to find this fine piece of art.

For real called, the "Mannekin Pis."


Because of a strike,  Pete and I had to figure out the bus, taxi, train, and metro systems so I feel like I know the place pret-tty well. And I can say with some authority that Brussels is the New Jersey of France.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Lesson: Louis XVI was a Weiner and I'm Gonna Give Myself Diabetes


Tartiflette. I tried it in a BYU French class. I taught how to make it when I was a French teacher, and now I've officially eaten it in France, so I'm legit. 


Can't really write a caption of these yummy pics, I'm too busy translating French Jerry Springer for Pete. We've imported the worst parts of our culture. You're welcome France.



And now, here I am in Versailles. I can't remember if the look on my face was to say, "Who in the crap decided it would be a good idea to display Japanese modern art all over Versailles?!" Or was it to say, "Why didn't anyone tell me that when you go to Paris, you are supposed to wear boots or heels and dress coats and mostly all black when you walk around and not really sporty comfortable clothes? I am such a lame nerd."
A Plus.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

It's Official

Je suis vachement francophone.
(It is exactly what it looks like. raw beef with a raw egg.)

Monday, October 18, 2010

À Paris

For the next 6 days I'll be in one of two modes. Either eating, or full. 
This afternoon for a snack, I had, un chocolat chaud, une crème brulée et une baguette avec du camembert.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Mr. Salahi? Was that you?


I hopped in Peter's car and noticed a $50 parking ticket. I looked at the ticket just close enough to notice that the ticket officer's last name was Niazi. Niazi? The name definitely warrants a Simsons laugh. Haa Ha. 

But then wait a minute. What's the make of the vehicle say? Two door Mercedes? One thing our '92 Avalon has never been confused with, is a Mercedes. 

Two options. Either officer Niazi is blind, or some d-bag in a Mercedes, got a parking ticket and thought that we'd be dumb enough to pay it if he stuck it on our car. Good one man. You have to get up prretty early in the morning... because we are dumb. Dumb like foxes!

Thanks to Andy Cohen, I have been able to narrow down my options of who did this. Because in D.C. there have got to be only like 5 or 6 self important luxury car drivers with no moral compass right?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Cervelo

Hey Fellas. You know how when you ask your wife if something is wrong and she says, "No." That really means that there is definitely something very wrong and you are in huge trouble?

Well, I totally know how that is. Like when Peter says, "I'm not letting you and your stupid iphone get within 50 feet of my new bike......"


I only have one choice.



Love you Pete. Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and 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and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day,Happy birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day, and Happy Birthday, and Christmas, and Valentines Day, and Anniversary, and Father's Day. You deserve it.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Hoarders

I watched the A&E show Hoarders for the first time last night. The show featured a girl I knew in high school who has become a hoarder. When I first heard she was going to be on the show, I was excited in a voyeuristic way to see someone I knew on reality TV. But you know? I learned a valuable lesson. I don't really want to watch a reality TV show about trash bags being taken out of a house. I prefer the reality shows that film trash bags that fight, lie, drink too much, speak with Jersey accents, pass out roses, wear bikinis, and do stupid things in hot tubs. Oh and the trash bags that wear giant clocks around their necks? I miss that guy. 

  So this show Hoarders, it was sad and I don't think I'll watch it again. But have you ever been on the receiving end of a hoarder? I have. And let me tell you, if you are a poor student, it can be awesome. I had a close family member who was a hoarder and had a very real QVC (home shopping network) addiction. Her hoarding basically furnished our entire apartment. But even after we took all that stuff, there still was no room for us to sleep in her five bedroom house. Every time I helped her clean out her place, I discovered something totally great. One time I found a shelf full of purses. I kept two Dooney and Bourke bags for myself and donated the rest. Then I opened her opened her night stand drawer and found that it was stuffed to the brim with bra extenders-- you know, pieces of fabric for women who are too big to fit any bra. This other time I was seriously cleaning and I opened a dresser drawer and found 37 pairs of navy capris. When I thought she wasn't looking, I threw them out. But I guess she did see though because every single time I saw her for the next nine years, she would glare at me and say, "I still can't find any of my navy capris." I could go on and on but I'm guessing that the stuff I found is only fascinating to me. I had forgotten about our family's hoarder until the other day when I was going through some old pictures and I found something small I took from her house.  It's not much, but I couldn't bring myself to throw it out.


Let's all say it together out loud, "What the.. huh?"

Of course the person that invented the patent pending 'booby bibs' would be named Liz McGee. 
Of course.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Frenemy

I have a frenemy who gives me great fodder for this blog. But I've never written about it because I love her too much. She is a lovable elitist which is my favorite kind of person and she is a much better woman than I. Nevertheless she is a frenemy and I can't resist transcribing our latest conversation.

Frenemy: There is a guy who works at the gym child care that I want to ask you about. He totally gave me the creeps. He was dressed really sloppy and acting strange and it is pretty clear that he doesn't work out. Which makes me wonder why he wants to work at the gym, and in childcare nonetheless! As I was leaving he said in this weird voice, "Do you like Yo Gabba Gabba?" and I think he might be gay. Do you know what that guy's story is?

Me: Oh yeah, I know who that is, he had a stroke that left him mildly disabled. Nice guy though. Totally harmless.

Frenemy's hand flew up to her mouth, but she knew she couldn't take the words back. I knew who she was talking about after like one second of describing, but I just wanted to see how thin her filter was that day. Because it varies.

Monday, September 20, 2010

What do you say we leave for California?

There's nothin' like going to California for a quick weekend trip with true friends. And in typical fashion, I didn't come home with any meaningful pictures. But I think you'll see that the quick iphone shots give a pretty good idea of how things went. 

The guy sitting next to me on the plane told me he is in the army before took up about 20% of my seat and fell asleep. I have been known to shove strangers' arms back into their space on a plane. But this guy had a weird arm twitch when he slept. And check out the title of the book. So I left him be.




At the baggage claim, definitely in California.



Just a quick stop to pick up a souvenir for Pete. He has this shirt in every color except blue.   



I made sure to get a great babysitter while Pete was at work.
But forgot to remind Peter that babies will fall off counter-tops if you leave 'em there.


May or may not have tried on some trashy clothes with friends.
I came out of the dressing room laughing hysterically to show my friends. At the same time, another girl came out wearing the same outfit-- not as a joke. 


It's not a beach town unless you find some trannies.
I thought transvestites were supposed to be nice. And finger snap and call you honey. But these wanted to jump us. 


And a little souvenir shopping for me. 
Yes thank you. 

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Crickets

 I know that this may seem hard to believe, but every once in a while, no one laughs at my jokes. Okay, most of the time, no one laughs at my jokes.

Last month for example. I was teaching a lesson in church. And this lady raised her hand to make a comment. She started by saying, "When I was young, I remember hearing the word 'revelation' all of the time......" Then I interrupted the lady and said, "Well hey, that's a lot better than the word I used to hear all the time when I was young; the word 'disappointment.'"

Crickets.

Seriously nothing.

Come on that's a little funny!

That's why I love this Zack Galifinakis guy. Especially the Between Two Ferns thing he does on Funny Or Die. Totally relate.



Peter sent me the link to this the other day when I had to spend about three hours on the phone reseting a bunch of bank and credit card passwords. As this clip was running the guy on the phone from Capital One Bank who was helping me out said, "Okay, I've just reset your password. It should work now. When the page asks for your password, you just have to enter 'MUSIC123.'"
    I said, "Music 123?"
    He said, "Yeah, you know music, like the music you listen to?"
   "Ahhhh," I answer sarcastically, "I wasn't sure what kind of music you were talking about."

Crickets.

On the other end of the phone, as well as on the video clip I was listening to.

I started giggling at the awkward silence.  And, as usual, had a tough time finishing the conversation.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

80's Night

I'm hanging wallpaper in the bathroom. There's 80' music blaring from the living room where Pete's watching TV. Suddenly he I hear him yell at the TV,

'"Do you want to go home and change?" Seriously dude? It's so obvious she's dressed up. I mean look, she's wearing pearls. Why would he say that? So lame."

Can you guess the movie he was watching?

Never knew Pete would get so worked up over a Molly Ringwald flick.

By the way, hanging wallpaper is the worst. A lesson I should have remembered from the 80's

Friday, September 3, 2010

Annual Southern Experience

About once a year I end up venturing into the real South for some reason or another. Every year I learn something new. Last year I learned not to buy boiled peanuts off the side of the road. They're gross. The year before that I learned not buy cajun flavored boiled peanut off the side of the road. They're grosser. Baby steps people. 

This year was no different. Forced to evacuate from our beach house in the Outer Banks because of hurricane Earl, we headed West for the night and found a cheap motel in Wilson, North Carolina. Ever been? Didn't think so. Wondering where Wilson is? Well it's 30 minutes north of the world's biggest pork supply. So now you know where I'm talking about right? 

So 200 miles inland we were officially in the deep South. And I can't go through the deep South without eating some southern cookin' on account of my ruts (roots) not to be confused with my rats (rights) which is what the South was fightin' fur during the war. 

Didn't have to look too hard to find some real North Carolina barbeque. 

Behold, "Bill's Barbecue, Buffet and Convention Center." Um, yeah this'll do. 



My in-laws are fancier than me. But I was so excited about eating that I forgot that a place that looks like this makes fancy people nervous.






A picture of two cousins. Happy little clams. It's hard to see, but they came to the table from the buffet wearing rubber gloves that they'd found. I didn't worry, or ask any questions. Too busy eating.



I got my plate of food and started scarffing. My brother in-law brought over a "dare plate," full of food that he didn't recognize. The contents of the dare plate were identical to mine.

Recognize any of this stuff?

How 'bout this?



At one point someone commented that their physical health was probably safer in the middle of the hurricane than at Bill's bbq.

I couldn't disagree.

But I kept on a eatin'.

And I learnt a valuable lesson. It's much tougher to be sneaky about taking candid pictures with a fancy DSLR camera. But I managed to do it. And boy am I glad I did.


We're back in the Outer Banks, safe and sound. And all fatter and wiser thanks to Earl.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Things That I Wish Were Different Right Now

With a new school year looming ahead, (no we haven't started school yet) I'm starting to feel the stress of school life once again. One of my very few flaws is that I waste time thinking about things I can't change. Why do I do that? Totally unproductive. So to counter that, I instead try to think about unimportant things that I can't change. Here's a list I made:

Things that have no effect on my life, but I'd change them if I could.
  • I wish that Phil Collins was better looking.
  • I wish that Kirstie Alley hadn't gained a bunch of weight.
  • I wish that Meg Ryan hadn't done what she did to her lips. 
  • I wish that Kim Kardashian would just once leave the house without a full face of make-up. And confirm my suspicion that she looks like the V for Vendetta mask. 
  • I wish that I could see the actual expense list for a two million dollar wedding (you know like the one Chelsea Clinton just had?) I mean how do you even do that? What's the wedding dress made of--- one million dollars?
  • I wish I knew who Robert Downy Jr's life coach is so that I could hire him. How in the heckeroo do you make a comeback like that? 
  • I wish that Parker Posey and I were friends. (Pete, you'll never believe this, I just googled her and guess where she's from? Laurel MS!)
Random thoughts I know, but I do feel better. I'm currently on vacation so I've been reading a lot of US Weekly and OK mags. As you can tell.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Slumdog Pole Dancing

I know the title of the post sounds dirty, keep watching though. This clip made my day.



Now I have to go back to finding Polka Dot Door clips on youtube for my two year old. We're obsessed with 70's kids shows.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Insert Here: Annual Whine About Buying School Supplies.

  I really don't have the energy to complain about what I've just spent on required school supplies for my first, third, and fourth graders. 30 glue sticks for one kid? Come on!

   Instead, I'm going to keep reminding myself that I live in a fancy county which all but guarantees that my kids are going to turn out better than yours. I'll just consider this expense my insurance policy. Raising your kids in Fairfax county means that I don't ever have to worry about them ending up in rehab, or if you're from Utah, an eating disorder clinic, or if your poor, poor people's rehab, which is also known as jail.

Either way, At this point in the summer, I'll happily put up the $150 for school supplies if it means I can send my kids back to school during the day. I mean, I love 'em and all, but I'm getting a bit tired of explaining this type of behavior to the neighbors.
 
 

Monday, August 16, 2010

Oregon Trail

Are we really friends?


If this strikes a chord with you, you'll know the answer is yes.


The Oregon Trail - Official Trailer - watch more funny videos









We'd play Oregon Trail at least once a week in the computer lab. The game ran slow as hell and I still don't know the difference between a floppy disc and whatever the other kind of disc was called. But I do know that if there was dirt on your disc, it would make the people in the game look like they had chromosome damage. Man did I love playing that game. Usually when I played I would really try to get to Oregon, but every once in a while I'd see how far I could get if I spent all my money on flour and bullets. Prrre--tty far if you don't cross any rivers.

 I would always choose the same name to be the Dad of our Pioneer family. My elementary school crushMichael George. eAhhh he was a totally radical dude, or as I liked to call him, dude-ical. But I don't think he returned the sentiment because he was always naming the mom of his Oregon Trail family poopface or Max Hedron or something really clever like that. 
  And it was always sorta sad when someone in your family died, sad until I learned what dysentery was. That just added a whole new dimension to the game. 



And remember the hunting?



Do kids still get to play hunting games in school? In my kids' school they get suspended for finger banging making your finger into a pretend gun. On Oregon Trail, you can actually shoot stuff, and kill it. Who cares if you hunt when you don't need to. Who cares if you kill 2000 pounds of meat and can't take any of it. Who cares if your hunter looks like a stormtrooper and not a pioneer. That's good learnin'. 



Friday, August 13, 2010

Things That Are Not Funny

Dead puppies
Getting fired
Falling and getting hurt
Attempted rape in the projects


So then why can't I stop laughing?



Heather Meagan and Carrie, don't even think about watching the T-pain musical version of this unless you're close to a bathroom.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Confessions In The Locker Room




I'm going to make a general statement, try to stay with me. When an average decent person receives poor treatment in any given situation, they generally only deserve it about 20 percent of the time.
Okay? 
Now think about the undeserved poor treatment you receive in your life. You know, at the DMV or talking to an airline worker. It usually happens because someone has had a bad day, is stuck in a bad job, or lives in a crappy life and they just sort of take it out on you. Can we agree?

Okay now let's assume that I am an average decent person. I mean, I may be a bit better looking than you, but that's beside the point, not even worth mentioning really. For argument's sake, we're both average decent people. But here's the thing, when I am treated poorly, and I don't deserve it, it is almost never because of a bad day, job or life. It is usually because the perp has decided to hate me. Think about it. Have you ever had someone that has decided that they hate you? For no reason. No reason. Be honest. I'm guessing the answer is no. It happens to me all the time. I've been working at the same gym for almost 6 years and this woman hate hates me.
                    
  She's actually a good person I think. Been there forever on the hospitality staff. She sits there and folds towels. She knows everyone's name, but if she doesn't know your name she'll call you 'baby' or 'honey child' (she'll call you that, not me.) And she'll tell you that Jesus loves you. And half the time you see her, she'll be singing gospel songs. 

But she hates me. I swear I didn't do anything. This one time I wanted to find out how the gym's tanning beds work. I was really nervous about it because I had never ever been tanning before and I didn't know what to do or how I was supposed to pay for it or get someone to unlock the door to the tanning room. I was really embarrassed to ask about it but I mustered up the courage and asked this woman how it all worked. I got halfway through my question when she started yelling at me. Saying, that I was stupid because I didn't know that they got rid of the tanning beds and I shouldn't be using them anyway because tanning is bad for you. I just sort of put my head down and walked my red face away. I've still never been tanning. 

That was the last time I had a conversation with her, now when she sees me, she just stops what she's doing and glares at me. Last week she was in the middle of belting out "Fully Committed," and she stopped and looked at me and just shook her head back and forth. It's really embarrassing. It makes me wonder if I'm not such a decent person after all, maybe she has that Shallow Hal gift and can see into my soul. Which brings me to my next order of business.  Check out what this woman was doing in the locker room this morning. 
Eating oatmeal out of a pot with a wooden spoon. And yes, that is a woman. She has a black belt so I was really careful to not get caught taking a picture of her. 


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Lesbians that Look Like Justin Bieber


And I'm not being a jerk. Most of these are self submitted. 

And just in case you didn't see Betty White on SNL. 
(I sure hope this works, it's one of the funniest sketches I've seen in a long time.)





Saturday, July 31, 2010

Go Sharks!

     I should have known it was going to be one of those weeks when I caught Jonah (6) peeing in the training potty. In the living room.

My kids at this for dinner one night. And liked it.

One piece of broccoli, some value can of ground beef ravioli, and a couple of smoked oysters. 


      And then, this was the worst. Our swim team banquet. I sure hope the coach enjoyed the self-congratulatory 3 hour love-fest that he orchestrated. Maybe a small portion of the 300+ swim team families enjoyed it too. Meanwhile I had a Lord of the Flies situation going on, trying to stay in control of my five kids. If you look really closely at this picture, you can see Jonah and friends in the background giving each other wedgies. 



This doesn't really have anything to do with my week, I just accidentally turned into a parking lot, saw this sign and said to myself, "Yup, think I just found my version of hell, and it's across from George Mason U."

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Happy Birthday Kelcy and Bryn

Two of my three sisters in-law have had birthdays this past week. I was thinking about them and remembered happy days when we were all college students living in Provo.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Good times.



Anyway, one of our (Pete and my) favorite things to do was play jokes on them. This one time we borrowed my sister's 'Clueless Hands Free Phone,' it was this cool phone and you could use it to change the tone of your voice. Pete called them up and with this real low creepy distorted voice he started listing all these really personal facts about them and then we said that we were going to get them. Totally freaked them out. It was pretty great.

Another time we had some extra doughnuts from a ward activity and didn't know what to do with them. So we decided to drop them off at Kelcy's place, and then Bryn's. Kelcy was home so we just gave her the doughnuts and left. Then when we got to Bryn's we noticed that her car was gone. So we had this great idea. We wrote a note that said, "Dear Bryn, you're hot, but your roommates suck." Then we put the doughnuts on the doorstep and ran.  Thinking back, I guess that might have been a tiny bit funny for Bryn, but not so much for the other roomies. I think they probably threw the note away because I never heard anything about it from Bryn. I am laughing out loud as a write this memory but I also feel really guilty inside. I'm a delicate flower of emotions.  And these are the types of shenanigans my in-laws have been putting up with for 11 years. 

Happy Birthday Kelcy and Bryn. On the spectrum of sister's in-law, I know how lucky I am.  I'm sorry for you that your brother didn't marry someone with a bit more compassion, self control, maturity, and blond hair. But would a girl like that ever marry Peter? Guess you're stuck with me. 

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Tai Pan


What does that even mean?


Aside from the signs that don't make sense, and the dumb earrings, and its location,  Tai Pan is so great. You really need to put it on your list of places to see the next time you are in Utah. I got some good stuff this trip.