Monday, September 28, 2009

Movies: Theater 2: Angela 0


Last weekend, I needed a night out and and had friends to join me. I really really wanted to see Fame. I had a TV crush on Karrington from SYTYCD and a hankerin' for a really good chopped salad. It seemed like nothing could go wrong.

Darn.

Whoever had made my salad had taken some kind of culinary liberty and added basil.

Did you ever notice that Karrington has like huge bugs bunny teeth and can't act? And as for the movie itself. Well, I knew it wasn't gonna blow my mind, but I was hoping for a trip down memory lane.

See when I was in high school I spent my sophomore year at Chapel Hill High School (North Carolina) where I was in the best choir that ever existed. Picture the show Glee, set in the South. So within the group we had the cheerleaders and the football players, but we also had southern debutantes, and this huge gospel choir contingency. There were about 150 of us and we totally sang and danced to the song Fame. I mean like a choreographed dancing performance of Fame. We were good. Really good. And the black kids I met and made friends with in that choir more than made up for the fact that there was a different set of black kids who wouldn't let me sit down on the bus. An entire year of standing up in the center of the bus, the whole ride home while they laughed and flicked pennies at me. Apparently wearing only Duke paraphernalia and Gap clothes, and not being able to tolerate humidity made me a bit of a target. Who knew? I would have killed in Orem that's for sure.

Long story short, this movie is going down as a major disappointment of '09 for me. I was hoping to reminisce by watching really talented teens sing Fame, instead I watched mediocre talent with no charisma and there was just a crappy pop version of the song that played as the end credits rolled.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Movie Review

Check out my latest Wegmans find.
How cute is this baby pineapple?

I wanted to buy this pineapple mostly just 'cause I wanted it on my blog. I also thought it would be funny to also buy a big one and then tell my kids I was magic and could shrink food. I still may do that.

But then I saw where it came from.

And I was too afraid to buy it because I thought it might make me vomit black stuff and turn one of my hands into a giant alien claw. Have you even seen what the government will force you to do in Joh-berg if they find out that you have an alien claw?

This must be the first time in history that Rotten Tomatoes has been so off on its movie ratings. I don't mind a sad movie. A film with lotsa hand held camera work doesn't bother me. I'll sit through movies with bad plots and poor direction. And I really do pride myself on having good taste in movies. I think I've seen all most every genre of film that matters. I can tell you about Fellini, Kurosawa, and Satyajit Ray.

But I simply do not have time in my busy and important life to watch unsympathetic characters, gross aliens, and African thugs duke it out in South Africa. District 9 represents two hours of my life that was wasted. Trust me, it stinks.

Speaking of movies though. One of my absolute favorite favorite things to do is to go to a party where there is a big group of 25-35 year old guys. I casually bring up the topic of good and bad movies. And after people have been talking about it for a few minutes I like to say in a really loud voice, "I THINK THAT BRAVEHEART IS THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE!" And then I just sit back and watch the fireworks. Seriously, it is hilarious. Ahhhhh, All the pleasure of insulting someone's mother and killing their kitten, but none of the guilt.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

This Photo's Goin' on the Fridge

The picture that made my day


She may be going bald! This is the best news I've heard all week.

I think it's because my witch neighbor from New Jersey put a curse on her. She looses one hair for every 500 dumb things the says. I say she'll be wearing a wig, oh, by the end of the year.


Friday, September 18, 2009

Starring in My Own Reality TV Show: Do I Have a Shot?

I've been thinking about reality TV a lot lately. I mean a lot. I really didn't have any other options during the summer. And since my goal to get through Heart of Darkness didn't work out too well (all 80 pages, I know) I didn't really have anywhere else to turn.
So watching all these "real" people burn their 15 minutes, makes me wonder what separates me from them. I used to think that if you were average looking you wouldn't have a chance, but after seeing Jillian, I'm thinking that may not be the case. I also used to think that if you were really short or "just a mom," your chances weren't good either, but the TLC reality world has proven otherwise. Oh, and I thought that people with reality shows had lucid and coherent things to say-- oh wait I guess I never really thought that. Not since the Real World ONE. So I've made two separate lists of why I would and wouldn't make for a good reality personality.

Strikes Against Me
I don't really have a gay best friend that I can vent to.
I don't dye my hair. (That's not really a strike against me, I just wanted to mention it.)
I can't talk and drive, at least I shouldn't.
When I cry, it's always an ugly cry. Always.

In My Corner
I love talking about myself.
When I am talking about myself, I like to make really bad analogies to help illustrate my point.
I know how to surround myself with people who are dumber than I am, so that I look smart. (not any of you of course)
I am fully aware of the fact that I could make like 20k per episode. Dignity on the other hand, pays ZERO.


I think I'm gonna go for it. One thing I've learned from John and Kate, is that sometimes you gotta look out for number one. Those two know what I'm talking about. Fives all around.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

THANK YOU VERY MUCH MISSUS LIPPY!!!

Jonah's first kindergarten "art project."


When I asked him what it was, he told me, "It's the mountains of Teasdale."

From across the room Shea hollered, "If you were six we could write this off as abstract expressionism, but this is just crap!"

Kids say the cutest things.

She's right though, it looks nothing like mountains.

FB off

Peter and I are in a Facebook war. I have 213 friends and he has 209 friends. He got mad at me because I looked through his friends to add some of them as my own. Then I told him he was welcome to look through my friends and do the same. But ya know what? I can add a lot of his friends and it's ok, but he can't really add my 14 year old Mia Maids because that's creepy.
Then the other day he announced that there was no other way I was ever going to catch him, he was up to like 250. That may be true but I don't care anymore. I've decided that I am going to go for quality, not quantity. Here are a few of my FB "friends" that are on probation.

  • A good friend from school who sent me a long email via FB asking for money for a cycling fundraiser. He is raising money for 5th graders who go to a private math and technology school. Aside from donating bags of candy to teachers (a previous post) I can't think of a worthier cause. The "charity" was mentioned in the last two sentences. The first 40 sentences were detailed descriptions of the greatest conquest his rock hard body has yet to face.
  • A former boss and fellow fitness instructor who sent out a message informing her friends that her email address was no longer "ironmaiden@xxxx but instead ironmaidenphd@xxxx.
I want to use FB to find and catch up with friends and see what they are up to. I don't like it when Facebook is manipulative or makes me feel bad about myself-- that's what the blogs on my google reader are for. Maybe I'm just being grouchy. After all, I just took the Entourage FB quiz and it turns out I am 100% Ari Gold.

Monday, September 14, 2009

My Favorite Love Songs Can Also Apply to a Really Good Sandwich

This is the post where things come full circle. About a year ago, I got in big trouble for publicly making fun of another girls blog because of something dumb she said about pregnancy cravings. I thought man, peoples' lives are really that pathetic when they have to blog about the crappy things they want eat. I really hate pregnancy posts. I have yet to find a post about a pregnancy that doesn't make the blogger seem: ungrateful, gushy or naive. That said, I found out the hard way that there are a lot of people who love the blogs of pregnant women, and woe betide the person who wants to make fun of one of them.

I would now like to close that chapter of my life by officially calling the kettle black and introduce to you the best tasting sandwich on the planet.

The Banh Mi

If this article doesn't make your mouth water, nothing will. Basically the sandwich consists of a baguette with pork liver pate, pickled vegetables, jalapenos, cilantro, and head cheese. For you culinary dummies, head cheese is not cheese but pieces of meat from the head of a pig or calf. It is sliced thin and so fatty that you can see through it. Now, I know it sounds gross but it is delicious.
I've been making Pete take frequent trips to the not so close Little Saigon to feed my habit. He knows better than to argue. Because I can always bring up the first and only time he denied a pregnancy craving. Let's just say the story ended with me walking through the center of South Towne mall scream-crying, "YOU NEVER GET ME ANYTHING I WANT."

But back to my point.

I love these so much that the other day I went to buy one for myself. Peter was as work so he couldn't get me one. This may have stopped a rational person because I don't speak Vietnamese and I don't know where Little Saigon is. But not to me. I found one in Fairfax and went in. I ordered one with the best Viet tones I could and watched while the Vietnamese lady made it. She sliced the baguette, spread the pate, and started assembling the sandwich. She'd put half the stuff in when she stopped, furrowed her brow and smelled the sandwich. Then she yelled something to her Viet lady friend who was working in the back. The lady in the back came out, smelled my sandwich and shook her head at the first lady. So the first lady threw out the stuff she'd been putting on my sandwich and put on some different stuff. On the same piece of bread. Again, to a rational person, a restaurant is not usually safe when its workers judge the quality of the food by eyeballing and smelling it. But by this point I was so hungry I was ready to rip open a package of what looked like chocolate but I knew was really bean curd (those sneaky Asians will get you every time with their bean curd treats.) So I paid for my sandwich and tore it open in the car.
Mmmm boy.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Special Accommodations

I have a secret that I am not sure if I want to share, but I am sick of looking at the Today Show entry so I'll just post it. I pulled into the gym parking lot today and all of the handicapped spots except one have been changed. The blue picture of a wheelchair on the pavement has been blacked out by tar. The blue disability signs with the wheelchair picture that say DMV permit required $200 fine are gone.

Instead I found this.


I looked over my right shoulder. I looked over my left shoulder. This is as close as I can get to the door I need to go through. If anyone needs a special accommodation, it's me. Do you have any idea how it feels to go through life with people giving you this look? A look that says, "I'm not gonna help you, you did this to yourself." Needless to say, I took the spot.

Some things just don't make sense but you do them anyway. I took that spot this morning. And I'm sitting home now watching Leonardo Dicaprio wear tevas in The Beach.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Sensitivity Training

Watch the reaction of our models of empathy (Roker, Matt Lauer, Ann Curry, and Couric replacement girl) as they report the horrific story of a man being crushed by two semi trucks in a terrible accident.




The Soup caught this gem. I love The Soup but I have to warn you; don't watch it if you are carrying a baby who hates it when you laugh. He will sucker punch your bladder 'til your socks are wet.