Monday, August 31, 2009

Tai Pan

I'm afraid that the blog entries of my vacation (notice I make a point to never never use the word vacay) will prove to be a huge disappointment. I usually spend at least an entire day in SLC running errands. The Costcos are better and the dentists are American. With a little extra free time I decided to sneak in to Tai Pan and see what all the fuss was about. I knew it was going to be good when I parked next to this mom. A potential bestie.

So skeptically, I went in. And you know what? I hate to admit it, but that place is awesome. I can totally see why you guys are living way outside your means. Great store. Never been there? Picture a Daybreak model home on an acid trip, and I mean that in a good way, and that's Tai Pan.

In about 20 minutes, I had blown my allowance on a bird cage and two paper pumpkins. There is something magical about the store. I don't know if it was the smell, or the strategically placed silk flowers, but I had almost convinced myself to buy a distressed wooden sign with the phrase painted on it: "Find Joy In Your Journey" when Camilla slapped me across the face and told me to pull myself together.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Friday, August 21, 2009

Disneyland: Where the future is booo-rring

I saw the future yesterday, and it totally sucks. Don't ever go in here.

I can't believe that I have been doing Disney for 25 years and I made a rookie mistake like this.

I also can't believe that this is the only photo my iPhone took at Disneyland. I really really wish I had taken a picture of the Gothic young adults in front of me in the Small World line. Black eyeliner, black lipstick, wearing all black layers, discussing Nihilism, looking all depressed. Hey goths-- you can't fool me, no one forced you to pay $100 to spend a day with Mickey!

p.s. If you ever make the mistake of seeing Honey I Shrunk the Audience, don't take Jonah. And if you do, don't sit in front of the 400 pound man. Jonah thought it was part of the show and embarrassed us all with his theatrics.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Full Service Awesome

An ill fated road trip left my 4 month old car with 5 wads of chewed up gum ground into the carpet. Surprisingly enough, I don't think that the chewing or the spitting of the gum was the fault of my children. But as far as the grounding of the gum into the carpet, well, I think we all share a little of the blame for that. I tried for all of 5 minutes to scrape the gum out of the car before I came to a crossroads. I could either do it myself and pay for it mentally and physically, or I could just hire someone to do it and just pay for it.

I may regret blogging about this place because the full service car wash is the best kept secret in Vienna. They will clean and detail your car better than any dealership or Foothill SLC car wash can ever dream to do. Here is the catch though, they really don't want to do it. I mean they really really hate to detail cars.

Here is my exact conversation with them, I pulled my car up to the queue.

Me: Hey can I get my car detailed and carpets shampooed today?

Car Wash Guy: (With a Latino accent) Uh, I don know. It might rain today.

Me: I don't care, I mostly just want the interior done.

Car Wash Guy: Uh, I don know, eez very expensive.

Me: That's ok, I've had you do it before, it's worth the price.

Car Wash Guy: Uh I don know, it take a lon tieem, you migh hav to leeve yir car for 4 hour.

Me: That's ok, I live close to here.

Car Wash Guy: Uh, I don know, my frien eez sick today

He motions to a Mexican leaning against the wall wearing a baseball cap and a hoodie and holding a cup of coffee. I wave to the guy and he gives me a wide grin and raises his cup in the air in reply.

Me: Please, my car is really dirty.

I give him a flirty smile which is totally negated by the fact that I am 100% average looking and drive a minivan. But it seems to do the trick and he sympathetically agrees to do it.

Now with most businesses, if an employee doesn't want to do something but is forced to do it anyway, they will do a really crappy job so that they will never have to do it again. Not at the Full Service Car Wash. When my car was done, it was in better condition than when I bought it. And I bought the car with 12 miles on it. And, they charged me 10 dollars less than they charged me last time I had it detailed, which was 25 dollars less than the time before that!

Now, I realize it's kinda demeaning to take a picture of a guy who is washing your wheels. But I have been practicing taking pictures with my phone on the sly. I make it look like I am texting but I am really snapping away. I need all the practice I can get because I am headed to the motherland next week and I want to get me at least 10 good pics of 40 year old moms with blond hair, skinny jeans, stilettos and some kind of tight pink shirt with a skeleton or something cool on it. I'll definitely be spending more time than I want to at the Gateway and the South Valley Lifetime.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Rough Week III

The week got worse. Next came the news of Paula.

Paula Abdul.
Not gone, but never really there in the first place.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Rough Week II

The next day, I went to my OB. She looked at my chart and started attacking me with questions.

"Why have you gained so much weight? Why was your last baby so big? Did you eat more sugar then? Are you eating more sugar now?"

She was not impressed by the fact that I am still teaching at the gym, not even when I flexed and kissed my bicep for her. Most people like that, but I guess if OBs were interested in awesome biceps, they would be like arm doctors or something. Instead she told me that I was probably diabetic and going to have to cut out all sugar or else I was doomed to give birth to a 9 pounder. The whole time she lectured slash yelled at me, I just stared at the ground like a 5 year old who has just shattered a flat screen (and believe me, I know what that looks like.)

So I walked to my car and drove home, feeling like a fatty. When I got home, my legs had sweated themselves stuck to the leather seats because I was wearing a skirt and I had to peel them off the seat and it hurt and I thought to myself, "This must be how fat people feel when they get out of cars every day." And I burst into tears. I ran inside and canceled my DVR set to record DYAO and the Fatchelor (aka More to Love) because the fact that those shows are on TV mean that it is now OK to make fun of fat people (or as they call themselves "real people")

After I took care of my TV business, I went to check on my kids (yes I have my priorities in order) and I heard them yelling, "I hate you!" and "You are stupid." When I went in to stop that kind of talk, they saw the look on my face and were quick to inform me that it was opposite day. "

"OOOHHH opposite day. Carry on children." to which Jonah replied, "Mom you are sooo not fat."

And there you have it. Day number two.

Rough Week

It's been a rough week for a lot of different reasons. Every time something bad happened to me, I thought to myself, "Oh man, I should totally complain about this on my blog." And then something else bad would happen and I'd think the same thing. Now it is Saturday night and I am going to have to break my week up into a series of posts--it was just that bad.

It all started when Megan Fox started talking again. I just knew that things weren't going to go my way.

I guess Megan has a lot of tattoos? When asked if she regretted getting the word "BRIAN" tattooed on her lower lower abdomen. She replied.....

"Oh that one I don't regret. I mean think about it, I could have a kid someday and name him Brian or something, so I'm just saying, I have options."

Consider the fact that the "Brian" tattoo was done in honor of her then boyfriend Brian Freaking Austin Green whom she had dated for like 4 months and the quote seems even better. Come on! I knew Pete for 4 months before we got engaged and let me be the first to tell you that that there is no way that 4 months is long enough to rush into tattoos or engagements. At month 5 I discovered that Pete was a huge Pearl Jam fan and ate tuna with BBQ sauce. But I was already in too deep so I figured I'd just stick it out.