Friday, July 31, 2009

Can I get an Amen!?!

When I was little, I had this friend named Wizzy. No, I didn't have a speech impediment, it really was/is Wizzy-- check my FB friends and see for yourself. Anyway, she always used to brag about going to VBS in the summer. She told me that VBS stood for Vacation Bible School which seemed strange and foreign to me because I know ALL about the Bible but had never heard those three words together. Ever. But she was like the only Baptist on the planet soo I just sort of wrote it off. Did I mention that I grew up on a planet named Bountiful UT?

Fast forward 20+ years to the end of the swim team season and this teenage swim coach gives me a flyer for her Backyard Bible Club/VBS and invites my kids to come.

Notable details of the club: *Every day for a week.
*I drop my kids off for hours.

Um, yes please. Truthfully, its the end of July. This could have been a Backyard Pagan Club and I still may have signed up.

All week my kids have been waking up so excited to go to Bible Club and they come home with a new scripture that they've memorized--oh sorry Bible verse. Shea is telling me the story of Nemiah and Jonah is singing "Jesus is a super hero."

Oh, and did I mention that these teens running the camp are trying to raise money for a foster home in China that houses orphans born with special needs. So my kids are also suddenly trying to do odd jobs around the house so that they can earn money to give to children who are much less fortunate. What nerds.

Now I consider myself a religious person with a religious family. But I have been taking my kids to church for three hours every Sunday since they were born and they have never once memorized a scripture at church. What am I doing wrong?

Come on kids! How can you think that singing "Jesus is a Super Hero" is fun and you don't like singing, "Pioneer Children Sang as They Walked and Walked and Walked and Walked?"

Is it the lack of percussion in the music? Must be. It's a good thing these people don't feel strangely drawn to illegal fireworks Napoleon Dynamite humor or we might be in real trouble.

P.S Wizzy, remember in 6th grade when that new boy teacher came to the school and insisted that you be called by your real name Elizabeth and we were all like, "What for? Her name is Wizzy?" and the teacher was all, "Because "wizzy" is what a dog does to a bush. " Well, if you had forgotten, sorry to remind you. Man, that guy was a jerk. Lucky for him he was a teacher in the 80's before the time of tolerance and law suits.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

You Know What's Weird?

Pete just sent me this, got it off the NRO site.

This woman is right, things are different now than they were twenty years ago.

Let me just prove our point(as if I needed to.) Think about when you used to go to Chuck E. Cheese 20 years ago. Don't you remember it being darkly lit with puppets--just barely more fun than creepy? Me too! Now its bright lights and no more puppets. Weird.

I just thought of another one. Moon Boots. What's not to love? They are warm and waterproof. And where are they now? Who took the moon boots? Don't try to tell me they just stopped making them, that is as weird as the rainbow in water thing.

And is it just me or did there used to be a lot more guys named Vince? When is the last time you met a Vince? Where did they all go? Some crazy government science experiment I bet. Things sure are different now.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

That Guy

There are two types of people in the world.

I love saying that, I can make up all sorts of categories.

There are people who like to eat that circus peanut candy. And then there are normal people.

There are people who love to start blog posts with the words, "So" or "OK" when they are about to tell a story. And there are people who know how to read and write.

Here's what I want to talk about though. There are people who are memorable (and I'm not talking about like really really memorable, I am just saying that if you meet them once, you will remember the next time you see them) and there are people who aren't.

I wish I was one of those lucky memorable people. Thanks to this couple, I am reminded about once a week that I am totally and utterly forgettable.

And as a forgettable person, let me tell you that there is nothing more annoying than meeting someone for the second or third or fourth time. Especially when it is someone who is bubbly and energetic and a self proclaimed "people person." Having them look at you with wide blank eyes and a formal closed lipped smile (the way you look at a child) while you explain that you have met before- I hate that.

They used to live in my neighborhood. I met her at the tot lot (that's a playground for all you Westerners) like five times.

Then they put their house on the market. I went through their open house (met them again of course) Walking through their house, I thought to myself that maybe they might forget me, but I would never forget who they were, because they chose to frame a nude photo of the husband and put it up in the bathroom.

I really see them everywhere. The store, carnivals, the mall, oh and they joined my gym.

I am not a friendly person but I am a glutton for punishment so I say hi every time. We go through this cycle, for a while they just give me this weird look. Then they finally stop after I say hi and say, "Do I know you?" I explain that we used to live in the same neighborhood and bla bla bla. Then I graduate to seeing them and having them say, "Hey, I know you from somewhere-- wait don't tell me." And that's as far as we get, the next time I see them and say hi, they go back to the weird look. Today, at Costco is one of those times.

It's not like we just say hi every third time either, I know like everything about them. They met at a bar, they have two kids, they are both Realtors (hence the midday midweek post workout price club trip.) But every meeting is the same.

Now that I write this, I think that it might be them not me that is forgettable, it is them that is off. At least that is what I am going to tell myself because you know who I just thought of that always remembers me? My parents. And Orrin Hatch. Every time. And he is old. And he has met like a ton of people. But every time he sees me, he puts his arm around me and kisses me on the cheek and says, "Hiya sweetie." So there.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Pioneer Day Fireworks

My people love their jello salads, their big families, and their illegal fireworks.

What's the deal with men and fireworks? More importantly, what's the deal with my men and fire? They love the stuff. And if you know anyone who likes illegal fireworks, you know that the closer they come to really hurting someone or burning down a house, the more likely they will be to repeat the stunt again. Last year on the 5th of July, someone had the bright idea of sticking a monster bottle rocket into one end of a pool noodle, while they held up the other end in the air. Sparks, burnt fingers, a neighbors flaming tree all in a matter of seconds, of course followed by the 20 seconds of complete silence and someone uttering, "that was awesome."

Tonight I am enjoying a quiet empty house. While I was at a meeting, Pete decided to do his part in getting ready for Pioneer Day and go get the illegal fireworks. So he and a buddy put 6 kids in the car and drove 100 miles to Pennsylvania during a severe thunderstorm warning where there was rumored to be a firework stand that had the good stuff. Three hours later, they arrived and there was indeed-y a stand, but it was closed.

I hope they come home.

I am so glad that we are bringing another boy into our family so that we can increase the amount of testosterone driven judgement calls. Maybe Pete and Jonah will stop working overtime.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Community Service

No offense to Nia and Kelcy (two dear friends who are summer school teachers)
But this really made my day. Lize brought this EXACT note home from school today:

Dear Parents,
This summer all students attending ESY summer school are required to complete a service learning project. This means that we do something special for the community. Our immediate community involves all our students, teachers and staff.

We have decided to do something special for our teachers and administrators. We are asking your child to bring in a bag of treats such as tootsie rolls, kisses, lollipops, or whatever you might choose. Our plan is to have each student put together and deliver goodie bags for the teachers. The name of the service project is "You Deserve a Treat. " We are hoping to start the project next week. We would like to have you send the treats in with your child by Monday so that we can deliver the bags on Wednesday.
Thank you for supporting our Community Service Project. Please call us if you have any questions. We are hoping the teachers will enjoy the surprise.
Ms. P and Ms. K
(signed by the teachers)

I know that there is no need to explain why I thought this was funny, but I'd like to do it anyway.

  • Summer school students are required to do a service project.
  • Teachers get to choose the project.
  • Teachers decide that it would be good service for the kids to bring them in some candy.
  • Since the kids have to bring in candy, the teachers might as well be specific and list their favorite treats.

I know that working during the summer sucks. But THIS IS NOT COMMUNITY SERVICE

I don't know what is going on here, but my guess is that these teachers are assuming that since these kids are dumb enough to need summer school, their parents won't be smart enough to know a ponzi scheme when they see one (I'm not sure if I'm using that phrase correctly, I had to Wiki it, but it sounds cool and Pete's been saying it a lot lately so I'm gonna go for it.)

I am glad that they defined the words "community" and "service" for us. Heaven forbid we help children who live within 20 miles mine. You know the ones who live in a local government run by thugs and are grateful to go to school in condemned buildings? 'Cause I am way too busy to put up with that crap.

You know what I'm gonna do? I am going to fill a bag with bit-o-honey. The worst candy ever. That'll show 'em.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Virginia is for BIG LOVErs

To the average Virginian, these neighboring houses just look like your everyday architectural monstrosity.

But if you have an eye for polygs, like I do, you know what's really going on here. Am I right or am I right?

If I go too long without seeing an actual person, I start to go all judgemental on houses. This might be a problem.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

There is ALWAYS SOMETHING to laugh at.

I've been feeling a little down and anti-social lately. Not sure why, but, sometimes when I feel like this, I need a reminder that there are things all around me that I can smile at.

You know.

A beautiful sunset.

My laughing children.

My baby graduating from "special services."

Mint brownies.

Oh yeah, and "three wolf" shirts on Amazon

This listing will make your day. Click Here and please please please read the reviews.

Thanks for passing it along Stacey--

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Funny of my day

So at LTF, they always have samples of free stuff to give away. Lotion, tampons, deodorant, granola bars, shot blocks, protein shake packets, Purell, multivitamins, recovery drinks. It is pretty funny because you see people shamelessly grabbing handfulls of the free stuff. Does the 80 year old really need all those tampons? I know that Korean lady will never use all 5 tubes of Lubriderm-- I don't know if this is across the board, but the Koreans at my gym are really set in their skin care routine of exclusively Asian beauty products, and it seems to be working.
But this was a new sample that I had never seen before . . .

I went back the next day, and the next day and the next day, and the next day (that was a non-subtle attempt to impress you) and the stack of books has remained un-touched.

Sooo typical.

I grabbed one, I think I'll give it to my MIL. Her reading habits remind me of those gross Lake Powell carp that will eat anything that plops in the water. (And I mean that as a compliment. If I read as much as she does, I would really be smarter than most of you, instead of just pretending to be.)

The Stepford Chick-Fil-A

Walked through the doors.
One worker took my older kids to a table and another put the baby into the highchair and played with her while I ordered.

While we ate, three employees asked us if we needed extra sauce or refills. I'll bet they'd give me a chick-fil-a sauce iv if I asked for it.

This place is the best! This is how I deserve to be treated all of the time.

Come to the new Fairfax Chick-Fil-A
It is located in between the homeless shelter and the Peter Pan Chinese Buffet.