Saturday, March 28, 2009

Time to Reprioritize

Have you ever been trying to casually make conversation with someone and ask them what their favorite shows are and they say that they are too busy for TV. Then you feel like way shallow and dumb but also sorta mad because you know that you are so much busier than they are? That has happened to me more than once.

However lately I haven't been watching as much TV as usual, I am way behind on all "my shows." It turns out that I might actually be too busy for that much TV, but I don't want to turn into a jerk and get all high and mighty when someone asks me what shows I watch. 

This is such a dilemma.

So this past week, while painting weird hours, I have found a new show that has the potential to make me dumber, meaner and more shallow than I ever thought possible. And buh-lieve me. I am dumber, meaner and more shallow than you think is possible.

I don't know if I like this show because I like rap videos, or because I am skinnier than most of these "models." But I am pretty sure that this show is the biggest setback the Feminist Movement has seen in a long time.  

Set your TIVo, watch, and repent.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

What's up with kids not being allowed to watch Spongebob? I am not trying to be a jerk, I am genuinely curious. A handful of times, we'll be having a kid over for a play date and when I turn on the TV, the kid says, "Oh, I"m not allowed to watch Spongebob." All of those kids are allowed to watch Jimmy Neutron, and Hannah Montana but not Spongebob

I'm sure that there is a good explanation for this because all these kids have moms who are better women than I. Enlighten me please. 

Because, otherwise I will be forced to judge you. I will assume that you have never actually seen an episode of SB but its animation reminds you of the 90's "Ren and Stimpy" so you assume that it is equally crass and offensive. I will also assume that you have never watched an episode of Jimmy Neutron; a show that teaches very clear lessons on elitism and exclusion. And, unless you are watching  Dora or PBS, the language on cartoons are all the same.

I'm just sayin', that if you are like me and affectionately call that flat screen (that I couldn't afford) the "third parent" then you should at least be screening everything they watch. Don't judge a show by its animation style. I would rather my children watch something based on total nonsense, than learning that if you are different in any way, you should not be included.

I am really not trying insult anyone, but I sincerely want to know what your standards for Nick and Disney shows are. I learned most of my Church history from South Park episodes so maybe my cartoon guidelines could use some tweaking.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Since This is my Journal Guyeeeess

Dear Diary,
 Happy St. Patty's day. I started this day out by reading Heart of Darkness at 5:00 am, so it was already sorta doomed from the beginning. (Seriously, I chose that book? I have this new years resolution to read every book that was ever assigned to me that I did not actually read and chose to BS my way through instead.) Then I cashed in all my babysitting chips with Wendy so that I could take Lize to a doctors appointment. I hate using up childcare capital on necessary things. And I hate that a doctor  doesn't care about making you wait for an hour but if you were to show up an hour late, they would laugh in your face. Is your time really that much more valuable than mine you lowly Neurologist?
 Then, about half way through the day, I ran into an enemy realtor who I have been trying to get a hold of for 3 years because she owes me a couple hundred dollars. She won't answer my calls or emails but when we saw each other, she worked her realtor magic and all of the sudden she's kissing my baby and we were laughing and hugging and she's showing me two houses tomorrow.
 The final kick in the crotch was when I ran out of gas in McLean. On a busy street. With all my kids. At bed/dinner time. I won't waste time telling you what an upscale town McLean is, but I sat there for an hour watching luxury cars zip by my lowly Honda, and it was great. A couple of times I tried to push the car off the road (humiliating) and not a single person even thought about slowing down. Because we didn't get to eat until 10, my Irish meal of corned beef and cabbage was way over done. And there's nothing Peter hates more than stringy meat-- except maybe celebrity gossip and bad punctuation. 

Monday, March 9, 2009

Dear Neighbor

You can sunbathe like a hobo on your front stoop all you want, I got no problem with that. But FOR THE LOVE take your socks off.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Microcosm Part Dos

On the other hand, I feel like Walmart is everything that's bad about America.

What's the deal? It's dirty, it's crowded, there's only one "L" in the  word. I don't get it.

There is never anyone to help me, and when I can actually find someone working there, I get the very distinct impression that they don't value my time as much as I would like them to.

No one speaks the English, not the shoppers, not the employees. And they like to get into shopping cart aisle stand offs. Tip: I go right, you go left or I start to get irrational and scream something that doesn't make sense like, "STOP GOING TO THE ER FOR A COMMON COLD!" Or something totally incoherent like that.

The plus size clothing section is so big that it is starting to take over the entire store. I can't even buy a diet coke without seeing a pair of XXXXL something or other strewn among the sodas.  

But wait.

I ran out of fuel so I just googled the words "Walmart sucks," expecting to find something really funny about how crappy Walmart is. And you know what I found? With this post I've just put myself into a category of total weirdos. 

I don't want to have the same opinions as this guy, or this guy, and definitely not this guy.

All of these people hate Walmart for the same reasons that I love America; sprawl, jobs, low prices, and capitalism. I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I trust your opinions, what do you think of the place? I think I'll have to put on my mom jeans and go to Walmart to do some soul searching. 

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Costco: A Microcosm of My Country.

Do you ever feel like Costco symbolizes everything that's great about America? 
  1. Everything's Big.
  2. Losta people but plenty of space.
  3. Our Costco draws a diverse and (dare I say the word?) multicultural crowd-- but all are welcome. Think all these types of people would be welcome at Whole Foods? Bring me your tired, your worn your spent, your weary, and I will give them $10 pizza and a huge pack of sharpies in every color. 
 4. Don't like it? Bring it back and get something better--just like democracy baby. Haven't you heard? Change is awesome? Especially when your kids break your Costco purchased Guitar Hero after one day.
 5. You can always hold your head high. I might be embarrassed to buy 9 pregnancy tests at once if I were at Safeway, but at Costco, I don't care because the old 90 pound Vietnamese man in front of me has 12 boxes of maxi-pads and 9 bags of onions.
 6. And finally, you just have to respect the sheer quantity of food. Everyone talks about America's obesity problem like its a bad thing. It may be unhealthy, but overeating is just part of being human. You haven't lived until you've eaten half of one of those chocolate cakes all by yourself honey. You know the one I'm talkin' about.

This list could go on forever. I think I'll have to revisit this one.