Friday, February 6, 2009

Gosh Darn You PETA!

Peter and I were lying in bed  . . . 

(don't you love it when a post starts out all steamy like that?)

Of course it's not what you think.

Staring up at the ceiling listening to what sounds like a microwave sized rodent inviting his microwave sized friends into our attic for a wood and insulation chewing party. This has been going on for a couple of weeks. Pete decides to go check it out so he pulls down the stairs and gets a nice squirrel poop shower (Note to self, don't laugh so much next time that happens.) before heading up to investigate. The attic totally reeked-- I may never get the smell out of my unused scrapbooking supplies, or my wedding dress. Which still totally fits.

 Of course it was a squirrel. 

May I quote the great Sarah Jessica Parker, "A squirrel is a rat with a cute outfit."

So I called animal control who tells me that they won't take care of it unless the rodent is in an actual living space (hmm, the government will pay to teach my kid to crawl, but they won't protect me from getting rabies? Ahh the irony.) So we have to call private company to do it. 

Critter Control Prices:
    set the trap: $250
    squirrel removal fee (per squirrel): $50
    Repair the holes on the roof: $350
    Roof vent guard, to keep them from coming in through the roof vent of course: $295
    Peter's anger after I burst into laughter when Critter Guy Chad asks me if my husband is a "do it yourself guy."

You guessed it.


Here's the worst part, they just set the stupid animals free. They can't kill 'em, they aren't even allowed to leave 'em in a trap overnight 'cause PETA's all up in their bid'ness

I'm sorry. If I have to pay a grand for a squirrel, I want the little sucker. He's mine.


susan said...

I absolutely hate the squirrels in our neighborhood. They've eaten all my bulbs and dig up my yard constantly. There are even a few that hiss at us when we leave the house.

Anonymous said...

If i lived near you id blast that squirrel for you for free.

Camilla said...

wow you have a lot of squirrel hatin pictures.

The Ballard's said...

Holy Crap, you are hilarious! I laughed & laughed as I spent the entire night, unproductively cracking up at your posts.
I found your blog from "Keeping up With the Jones". My sister posted below you & called me to find out if I knew you. I told her to just check out your blog. She wasn't sure if you were being funny "my kids are ugly, what can you do about that?" After reading your 1st post I let her know your were hilariously sarcastic. Thanks for the good laughs.

Lara said...

Rat poison works great on squirrels.

PS Don't tell PETA.

Sean Carruth said...

DON'T use rat poison on squirrels, unless you want a nasty smell, maggots falling from your ceiling and a huge extraction bill from cutting that dead squirrel out of a wall void, or attic void. Rodenticides are NOT labeled for use against squirrels, so that would be a federal violation of label laws.

Squirrels are easily trapped and removed using live cage traps. Don't cause yourself more headaches by unwisely placing bait in your attic. NOT a smart move.

Lydia said...

I bet PETA would be pissed about how we dealt with Eliza's friend Mickey who was living in your basement.

alexandra said...

Here's something you can do with your critter once you catch it. Is Pete into taxidermy?

I think they also sell wicked cute squirrel feet earrings.