Thursday, February 26, 2009

Typical--in so many ways.

My sister-in-law forwarded me an email with this clipped newspaper article in it.

I won't get into the timeless but oh so fascinating and productive debate about whether or not women should work, or have kids, or work and have kids, even though I just love love love to judge people and then see how many times I can use the word bon bon in a sentence. 

My point is that anytime I have a some shred of evidence to prove to my husband that I am overworked and under appreciated, (which I am not, shhhh) I make sure he knows about it. So I fwd-ed the fwd to him. 

His response:
I've got to say whichever SAHM started this email chain gets no sympathy from me. Clipping a newspaper article? Who the heck does that anymore? Ever heard of a little thing called the Internet? That takes like five times as much time as getting the link for the dumb thing. And it's not like whoever clipped it is some Luddite. They have a scanner and email. Dollars to doughnuts she's one of the moms that drive you crazy. Making life a lot harder than it needs to be because she's stupid or a sympathy addict.

  Yo P! Just for that, I am going to keep spending the 47 hours and $200 the two days before Halloween to hand sew all my kids costumes and then complain about it instead of actually learning to sew or just buying costumes. Peter dear, I'm afraid the words "stupid" and "sympathy addict" are going to come back to haunt you someday. I don't know when, and I don't know how. But someday, when you least expect it. . . . 

Monday, February 23, 2009

I would offer to buy the girl a sandwich but,

There's nothin' I hate more than an anorexic fake lesbian.

Seriously, eat a sammich!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Um, excuse me, do I live in the South?

GeoTagged, [N38.88020, E77.27497]

If your grocery store carries Souse, then the answer is yes.

Souse: Ground pig snouts, ground pig hearts, ground pig feet.

"Carolina Pride" will never mean the same thing for me again. It's a sad sad day.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Attic: An Old School Scrapbook

I ventured up into the attic for the first time since squirrelgate and ended up spending about two hours cleaning up poop, and another two hours walking down memory lane.

Here are some things I found.
    High school/college backpack- now half the people who read this blog are between the ages of 20 and 24, coincidentally those are the people who hate me the most so I won't try to make them understand the way I felt when I put on a backpack that I hadn't worn in 9 years. The straps are still adjusted so that the backpack sits as low down my back as possible because it looked cooler that way. I really wish that I had forgotten to take everything out of the bag but it was empty.

   A picture of Peter with a couple of the cool girls from high school, one of them was his girlfriend. I am happy to report that they were all ugly. 

  A picture of me holding baby Eliza during our summer in Singapore. One of the few pictures we have because our camera was lost at the end of our trip. We have always thought that some evil Asian had stolen it, but from the looks of that picture it is pretty clear what happened to the camera. I ate it.

  One of Pete's mix tapes labeled "Make Out '89."

 This picture I found mounted on a plaque confuses me though. I mean, I know how awesome I am. I try to be humble and all, but somethings you just can't help. So if I am so incredibly, well, incredible.... then what am I doing in this picture? 

  Based on how cool I am, it is pretty much scientifically impossible that I would be a member of a Utah Valley middle school drama team that cast me as a fairy in the Merry Wives of Windsor. 

  I think I am going to have to dust off that time machine that I thought I didn't have any use for. See ya folks, I'm headed back to 1992 to beat myself up. 

Monday, February 16, 2009

Best Wii Game Ever

I am going to skip past Valentines day for now because I am still trying to get Peter's permission to blog about his last minute decision about what he really wanted. (Pete, your are not gonna get it, so we might as well all just laugh about it and move on.)

Okay, back to our new game. As you know, on the nintendo Wii, you are able to create a mii that looks just like you. It's pretty fun and you have a variety of facial features to choose from. Lize thought it would be cute to create come miis that looked like some of her friends. So here's the game Jonah invented.

Make Veronica Look Like a Pedophile.

Seriously, it's so fun. Here's how Veronica started.

Jonah just changed a few things, and here's how she ended up.

After that, Jonah went from looking like this,

To  make himself look like this,

He thought it was much more him. And his name is j0 (j, zero)

Then, Liza saw what Jonah had done to her best friend,  and she freaked out.
Jonah ended up "fixing" Veronica and now she looks like this,

Liza hasn't noticed that Veronica still has a 4'0'clock shadow. 

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Does She Look Familiar?

She's pretty isn't she.

The most beautiful girl in the world perhaps?

Yes, I've definitely seen her somewhere before. But I can't quite put my finger on it. Wait, no. 


It can't be. 

It's not possible. 

Yes, that's right.

It's Rosalie.

Rosalie is played by a Mexican actress. 

If you need me, I'll be crying in the shower for the next 4 hours.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Gosh Darn You PETA!

Peter and I were lying in bed  . . . 

(don't you love it when a post starts out all steamy like that?)

Of course it's not what you think.

Staring up at the ceiling listening to what sounds like a microwave sized rodent inviting his microwave sized friends into our attic for a wood and insulation chewing party. This has been going on for a couple of weeks. Pete decides to go check it out so he pulls down the stairs and gets a nice squirrel poop shower (Note to self, don't laugh so much next time that happens.) before heading up to investigate. The attic totally reeked-- I may never get the smell out of my unused scrapbooking supplies, or my wedding dress. Which still totally fits.

 Of course it was a squirrel. 

May I quote the great Sarah Jessica Parker, "A squirrel is a rat with a cute outfit."

So I called animal control who tells me that they won't take care of it unless the rodent is in an actual living space (hmm, the government will pay to teach my kid to crawl, but they won't protect me from getting rabies? Ahh the irony.) So we have to call private company to do it. 

Critter Control Prices:
    set the trap: $250
    squirrel removal fee (per squirrel): $50
    Repair the holes on the roof: $350
    Roof vent guard, to keep them from coming in through the roof vent of course: $295
    Peter's anger after I burst into laughter when Critter Guy Chad asks me if my husband is a "do it yourself guy."

You guessed it.


Here's the worst part, they just set the stupid animals free. They can't kill 'em, they aren't even allowed to leave 'em in a trap overnight 'cause PETA's all up in their bid'ness

I'm sorry. If I have to pay a grand for a squirrel, I want the little sucker. He's mine.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Early Childhood Intervention

If you aren't familiar with that term, well then you are missing out.

ECI supports families to help their children reach their potential through developmental services. Services are provided by a variety of local agencies and organizations. 

TRANSLATION: If the government decides that  your kid is behind or hasn't yet hit some sort of developmental milestone. Your government has to pay lots of money to help them get caught up.

CASE IN POINT: My baby totally can't crawl. She has some sort of freak flexibility. Instead of crawling, she gets in the splits, and moves herself around with her hands. I'd put up a video, but it'd creep you out. I thought about selling her to the Chinese because they put a prr-etty high price on underaged girls who would be great at gymnastics. 
   But then I heard about Early Childhood Intervention. So I called them up. A week later a physical therapist, a child psychologist, and a social worker show up at my door ready to give Sloane an extensive evaluation. After two and a half hours, they concluded that she was indeed three months behind in her gross motor skills and would qualify for services. So little Sloane-ie gets an in home physical therapist twice a month until, well, I don't know how long. 
   Now I know that social workers will make home visits for free, (boy do I know that) But does anyone know what the going rate is for a physical therapist or psychologist to make a house call? Seriously I'd like to know.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009