Thursday, November 20, 2008

I'm off

So I'm going to Australia today. Yes. Today. I have had this trip planned for almost 6 months and it's finally here, I can't believe it. But you if there is one thing I have learned during my trip preparation conversations, it's that most of my friends are dumb. Here's how the conversations go.

Me: So our whole family is going to Australia for Thanksgiving.
Them: Wow! How long is the flight?
Me: 20 hours total. 5 to LA, 15 to Sydney.
Them: Ohmygosh with all your kids? You are "brave."
Me: I know
Them: Hey do you think you'll see a Kangaroo?

  Now here's the thing. If I wanted to see my family, I would go to Utah. If I wanted to go to a fun beach, I would go to Florida or California. If I wanted to go to a different country where people had funny accents, I would go to London. 

  Trust me, I am not going to sit on a plane for 20+ hours with 4 kids and a hubby (all of which have some gross stomach virus) just to see my family, sit on a beach, or hear a funny accent. 
  If I don't see a Kangaroo. No Wait. If I am not eating Kangaroo within hours of my arrival, I am going to be very disappointed. I want to box with a Kanga. I want my kids to ride and kiss one. I want Sloane to sit in a pouch. 

edit: Ok I was just trying to be funny when I said that thing about eating a Kangaroo, but guess what? I just found out that they actually have hot dogs made from Kangaroo meat. Get this they're called kanga bangas. This trip might be worth it after all.

How do you Measure?

What makes a good mom I wonder. I guess a good mother is measured by how their kid turns out. Take the following quiz and find out if you are a good mom.

1. Did your child learn to read before kindergarten?
2. Does your child wear only Gymboree clothing?
3. Do you read to your child every night?
4. Do you take your children to Disneyworld at least once a year?
5. Are your children incapable of fighting?
6 Do you have endless amounts of patience?
7. Do your daughters have bows in their hair at all times?
8. Do your daughters attend cheer camp?
9. Do your sons wear "future missionary" name tags?
10. Did you nurse for at least a year?
11. Have all of your children met all of the age appropriate developmental benchmarks?

Did I answer yes to all 11 questions? 

Does Kanye have too many sweater vests?

Seriously though, if you answered yes to all of these questions. Then you are not as much a great mom as you are a ticking time bomb. 

There is only one question you need to ask yourself if you want to know whether or not you are as good a mom as I am.

Can your kids make it to the toilet when they puke?


even the four year old.

They're barfing their guts out.

And they make it every time.

Every single time. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Typical for a Teen, but a Dream for a Queen

Here's an interesting story I found from a very well respected and serious news website TMZ 
 Take a look at this beauty

I know breathtaking right? (Peter don't answer that.) Lindsey Evans holds the prestigious Miss Teen Louisiana Crown. Well at least she used to until she was stripped of her title for trying to pull the ol' dine and dash. 

He He, pretty sneaky right? Too bad poor Lindsey left her purse at the restaurant-- her purse full of pot that is. She was arrested when she went back to get it. 

Here's the kicker, she only had 10 days left on her reign. SWISH!

Britney and Jamie Lynn are celebrating over the news that there is someone in Louisiana dumber than they are. "Go Lindsey y'all!" 

Oh wait, this just in, Britney's just swallowed a snack pack (cup and all) and Jamie Lynn's managed to get pregnant again when the first baby hasn't even been born yet. 

Let's call it a tie.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Comments Dilema

So Spencer's cyber feud reminds me of the days of my own E-spat. I've been thinking about comments, our weapons of choice on the blogspot. Every time I look at my settings, I wonder if I should change them. As of now, I am open to all who have something to say. It sends a message that everyone is welcome here; the friendly and the spineless alike. The funny thing is is that the anonymous comments reveal much more about a person than any comment with a name next to it. Here are some examples of comments I've received.

fun and more fun

You're preachin' to the choir baby! I don't think I'm funny or normal, and I am totally aware of how few friends I have.

Wait, I take that back, I do think I'm pretty funny but at the same time I understand the fact that I am probably not actually funny to anyone else. I'm ok with that.

Now I'm not trying to dig  up things that are past, but with these eloquent words in mind, I have found the perfect model to follow when deciding what to do with my comments. 

My good friend Andrea even posted and empathetic comment on Paige's blog. I have been trying to post comments for days and they keep getting deleted. I haven't even been trying to say anything mean (and I know mean)!
What's the deal? 

She's a genius! That's the deal.

So here's my plan: 

  • No one anonymous allowed.
  • If you say something that I think is rude- I'll remove it.
  • If your post has words that are too big-- I'll remove it.
Ways to keep your post up on my blog. 
  • Comments about how pretty I am
  • Comments about how mean, mean people are
  • Good use of the word douche

Seriously though, I don't think you are a coward if you don't want to allow creepy anonymous comments. But if you write something on your blog, you have to own it.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Here's one to cheer you up.

At the begining, you'll think it's as unoriginal as my blog. But keep listening. 

Friday, November 7, 2008


 So I'm thinking of getting an intern. 
Katie Couric told me (personally almost) that the things a SAHM does are like worth over 100K. So what intern wouldn't want to get in on a piece of that right?
Have you SAHMs ever gone to a party where you are the only one in your profession? You tell everyone what you do for a living and get these weird looks and awkward silences? 

Whatever that look and awkward silence means (and I'm prrretty sure it's because of jealousy) I have the solution. I think that if I had an intern follow me around. I would have a little bit more cred yo.

 Oh the things an intern could learn from me. I'd take said intern to all my playgroups, game nights, and carpool routes. I'd force the intern to be totally caught up on about 12 TV shows. The intern would follow me around Target and save all Restoration Hardware catalogues. The intern would wait patiently outside the bathroom for about three hours a day, and outside the gym for another couple of hours (gym won't waive guest fee for interns.)

And that's just the stuff the intern would watch me do. So here's the best part. All of the crappy stuff I have to do as a MOM, I'd make the intern do!

People would ask, "Who's that with you?" And I'd say in a very important voice. "Oh that's my intern." They'd be so impressed.

Now accepting applications.