Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Talk about style!

So I had a couple of free hours at the mall the other day, which never happens. By the way, when I say free, I mean no baby, no errands to Gymboree, no screaming at kids to get their feet out of the indoor fountain. You know.
  And what was the first store I ran into? Not the two story Forever21, not the Apple store or Bloomingdales.

Well I'll just tell you that I saw this beauty.

I know to the untrained eye, this looks like one of those expensive Louis Vuitton bags right? Right I know! 
But look a little closer, those aren't little LV symbols. 
Oh,  um. 
No that's not it. 
What are they ?

Look closer.

J. C. with a cross.

You guessed it. I found this bag at my favorite Christian store. And I bought it in like two seconds. Because if you can't show people at church that you've got great taste, than where can you show it? 

Nothing says 'I have something to prove' like a knock off. But this is waaay better than a knock-off, because if people notice that it's not real, I can be like, "Oh of course it doesn't say Louis Vuitton. Jeez Man, where are your priorities?" 

Friday, October 24, 2008

Why I need a new doctor.

Not because I've never seen the same OB

Not because my orthopedic surgeon doesn't speak English.

Not because when I complained of chronic headaches, they told me it was because my ponytail was too tight.

Not because instead of sending you to the hospital for surgery, they send you to the surgery center-- and it's in the basement. There, you are surrounded by people who need knee surgery, eye surgery, hernia surgery. It's like chuck-o-rama. You can get everything all in one place. I went there once for a very unpleasant d&c (don't look it up if you don't know what it is-- trust me) and I started to come to-- from the anesthesia, only to see a man next to me coming out of the same fog. I don't know why he was there, but it involved something from the waist down if ya know what I mean.

No, I need a new Doctor's office because I went there yesterday and I parked next to this car.

There are so many things wrong with this picture-- but start by looking at the license plate. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Halla who?

Did I mention that I love Halloween? I love candy, I love fall, I love decorations.

The only thing I don't love about Halloween is teenagers. They don't know when to quit trick-or-treating. And also, when I was a teen myself. Every year my friends would say, "let's dress up as something really ugly for Halloween-- wouldn't that be funny?" So one year we decided to be really ugly white trash prom queens. Well guess who was the only one to took the "ugly" part seriously? You guessed it. The next year "ugly" farmers, then "ugly" vampire brides. After a couple of years, I figured out what was going on. You are supposed to dress hot but make it look like you are  trying really hard to look ugly, but you are so darn hot that it is impossible to look bad. It's an art form really. When a teen says, "Let's dress ugly-- I don't care what anyone thinks." What they really mean is, "you should dress ugly-- I don't care what anyone thinks about you." They were sort of lame friends I guess.
  So my point is, I put up my Halloween decorations. My house is about 1100 sq. feet--but it lives like 1500 really. A lot of people see it and say, "wow this house reminds me of one of those Daybreak houses." I'm like "thanks." Ahh how I love Daybreak (I'm serious.) But these decorations are waay better than anything anyone in D-town could ever come up with. 

Pictures of course.

From the front. 

Another angle of the front.

The yard. I am good at maximizing the use of space.

My power bill is a little higher this month.

The front porch.

And inside the porch.

Yes, it is all the same house. What can I say, it's a gift. I have a vision of what I want. I don't think about it. I just do it. And it turns out to be a masterpiece. Some people tell me that I am like the Halloween decoration version of Beethoven. Other people tell me that I am wasting time and energy and that they can't get any sleep because they live on my street. To those people I just smile and say, wait 'till Christmas sucka!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A lil advice

Dear SNL,
  I want to share with you my personal motto which is: Lay off the politics and stick to making fun of people. Now, this doesn't always work, sometimes it makes people mad. And sometimes it makes you look bad. But I think it pays off in the long run.
 If you have some spare time, you should totally watch this. This is what I'm talkin' about. 

First there was this sketch. 

See what I mean? Do more of that. Even if this happens.

But in the end-- everyone makes up and we are all better because of it.

Hey, Andrea lovers, Say hi to your mother for me.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Authenticity Awards

And the award for the most original Halloween costume goes to (drum roll) ME, for dressing my 4 year old boy as a Costco PowerRanger! Thank You Thank You. It took a lot of time and effort but I pulled it off.

How did I become such a sell out? As a young lass, I remember dressing up as a skunk, a Lacy the Pirate Wench, the Phantom of the Opera, and my personal favorite, an Italian person. And for what? So that Jonah could be a freaking Power Ranger? Gimme a break. 

P.S. I still need Halloween song suggestions (remember this post?) 

So Far,
 Cara and Jackson are winning with the scariest song. (that barbie song is terrifying) 
Jordan wins the cool down song
Camilla and T-dizzle are loosing- like real bad.  

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Shoulda Seen the Other Guy

This is what I get for judging those selfish selfish "working moms" for well, working, and putting their kids in day care. Meanwhile, I don't think twice about plopping  my babies in the gym childcare for hours on end while I do my thang.

LTF- I'm only going to say this once so listen good. Quit dropping my baby. Be more careful with my kids or you will be paying their plastic surgery and therapy bills.

Soooo, see you Monday? Thaaeenks.


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Decorating Ideas

So I've been wanting  to totally redo my boy's room. I had been drooling over the PB kids catalogue for months and I wanted to do something that 'J' will like, but more importantly, I wanted to do  something that sends a message about who I am. You know, a kid's room that says I'm; creative, trendy, wealthy, fun, pretty, skinny, oh and that I'm a good mom-- wait  make that the best mom. Then I wanted to take a picture of it to show you.

That's what I wanted to do.

But instead, I'll show you this super sweet 25 year old picture of Peter's room. He always talks about how great his room was when he was a young lad. A refuge from his 3 cruel cruel sisters. 

Note the American Indian pictures on the wall.
          The poofy 80's coat in the foreground.
  The "ghetto-blaster" on the headboard shelf. (sorry dad, I know you hate that term, but that's the 80's talkin') I can almost hear Debbie Gibson now.
           Super shag carpet.
           Levi's strewn about.
           And yes, a waterbed. (he'll tell you it was because of his asthma, but it is really because he was spoiled rotten. Weren't you always jealous of those kids whose parents were dumb enough to buy waterbeds for them?)

The alleged crisis

You know, there have been some interesting observations over the past week about the current "crisis." As I look and listen to the things going on and being said around me, I have decided a few things. First, if I hear the words "wall street" and "main street" in the same sentence again, I am going to go 'britney' on all y'all. It's not that clever, stop saying it.

Second, I only know of two people who have lost their houses because of bad mortgages and it wasn't because of  anything Wall Street did. It was more the fault of voodoo and porn, and being a sociopath. (it's personal, I don't want to get into it)

I think this SNL clip speaks volumes. You won't see it on the show, the sketch got pulled. I found it here. If there is anything I've learned in my long and flawless life, it's that there are three types of people you can never, never, never make fun of. 
   1. Liberals
   2. Stay at home moms with unoriginal syrup-y blogs
   3. Me

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Spooky Sweat

I'm getting ready to do my most famous spinning class of the year. It's my Halloween ride and it usually turns out a huge crowd. What can I say? I'm awesome. Can you help me think of any Halloween themed songs I haven't used? This is my 5th year doing it so I think I've used everything possible. Every year ends the same though. I say, "get ready, we're going to finish with the scariest song of all....." Then I play Britney. OOOOOOO Aaaahhhhhh. I told  you I was funny..... and awesome.

Seriously though, if you can find me a good song that I haven't used, I'll send you a copy of my spooky play list for your haunted workout pleasure. 

Camilla- I've used Thriller about a hundred times so think of something else.

Blog Search

In your stalking, can you find more than blog who posts pics of their new car? I can. Seems to be the thing right now. Sooo sad to say byeee to the Volvo but waaayye excited for the Audi!!!

Meanwhile in realityville-- I am getting strange men stopping me in random parking lots. Back in the good 'ol days strange men would stop me in the parking lot all the time because I was so hot (was being the operative word.) Now they stop me and tell me that they can get that dent out of the Odyssey for $130. That's not a pick-up line is it? Didn't think so.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Organic versus Convetional

Obviously-- organic on the right, conventional on the left. This is what I saw at Wegman's today.


When Eliza was in preschool, her special-ed class went on a field trip to Whole Foods. The lady giving the tour asked the class teacher if she want her to teach the kids about the difference between organic and conventional. The teacher explained that that might be a little bit over the kids' heads and maybe she could just talk about how fruits and veggies are healthy. The Whole Foods lady shot the teacher an icy stare and then spent the rest of the hour keeping a safe distance from the kids because she didn't want to catch handicap. 
  Ever since then, I decided I would never shop and Whole Foods, never buy organic, and never recycle (just to really stick it too her.) But at the end of of the tour she gave out these incredible eclairs so I had to take back that thing about shopping at Whole foods. 
  Now after seeing the difference between organic and conventional, I might have to take that back too. You organic folks are really eating that much better than me?

You'll never get me to recycle. I'm standing by that one.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Standardized Tests

Today, Shea came home with a letter from the school announcing that they are starting standardized testing this week. 

Scary! I'll find out which one of my kids will need to start practicing the phrase "you want fries with that?" (with an accent of course)

But wait-- Ok, this is what the letter says about the test (known as the NNATest.)

"It is designed to assess ability without requiring the student to read, write, or speak."

Seriously? A test that can tell how smart you are without having to read, write or speak?

Is this possible?
Are they bringing in psychics?
Maybe they have some magical machine?
If anyone has any information about the NNATest or some magic beans, I would like to talk to you asap. (I have quick question about time travel.)

Now I have to tell you that about 20 years ago, Fifth grade Peter's parents got a letter from John's Hopkins. It basically said, "we think your son is a genius and we would like him to take the SAT." So 9 year old lil Pete, took the SAT. A few months later, another letter came. It basically said, "never mind." If only they would have had the NNATest back then, things would have turned out so different for you Pete, so so different.