Saturday, August 30, 2008

It Could Be Worse... I guess

I am so depressed about these candidates. I won't give my lengthy list of reasons but I assure you that I am a very politically active and well informed person. Whenever I get down about the state of Washington, you know what I do? I watch this.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

My new least favorite thing.

I used to watch Oprah like all the time. I laughed when she told that hilarious story about Stedman, I cried when she built the school in Africa, I sighed when she had Brad Pitt on the show. I cried again when she did all those stories about people who hoard things. I cried again when she gave away all those cars,  did the story about cheaters, and the one about eating disorders. I cried during all of the "favorite things" episodes (except the "favorite things" show where all the guests were teachers, then I just shook my fist with jealous anger-- what have teachers ever done for us?--I should be a guest just for having to listen to them complain)
But then something happened. I don't know what it was. Maybe I realized that every time she walks towards a guest and grabs both their hands and shakes them in the air London Bridge style, she is really just trying to avoid a hug. 
Here's the thing, Oprah is full of crap. I know that you love her, and she makes you feel good, but you need to stop watching it. 
Listen to what she said yesterday and just think about it. I know you are going to say, "if you hate her sooo bad why were you watching yesterday?" and I don't have an answer to that but here me out. According to "O"

If a couple increased their sexual activity from once a month to once a week, their increase in happiness would be as much as if the were to recieve a 50,000  raise.

There are so many things wrong with that statement. First of all, how do you come up with a statistic like that? And second, coming from someone who recently received a similar raise...... Well you know where I'm headed.

Look you can do what ever you want with your time. Just don't turn to Oprah for your main 
source of information and then pretend to be well informed. You'll get burned ever time.

Trust me on this one.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I thought you were my friends!

Why didn't anyone tell me The Hills was starting up again? 

Don't tell my husband I watch it because (poor guy) he still thinks that I am a reasonably intelligent person, a great mom, and an overall contributing member of society. Ha Ha! Joke's on him, because he doesn't know that I sneak down stairs in the middle of the night every Monday to turn on the TV, watch about 17 minutes of torture, and in so doing secure my place in Hell.

Here we go with another six months of self-loathing because I can't stop watching this crap. Trust me I want to.

I won't tell you The Hills is fake because that is like the most unoriginal comment ev-ah! You probably came to that conclusion the same way I did. The camera angles are perfection, the make-up is flawless, there is never a blubbering drunk moment, they are in every hot club in LA (trust me I know a cool LA club scene when I see one).

I spend hours thinking about The Hills.
I spend days thinking about The Hills.  
And I am a stupider and meaner person because of it.
However I would like to point out a few things.

1. Jen Bunny is the dumbest name ever invented. 
2. Audrina is the worst actor ever and possibly borderline retarded.
3. Spencer is a robot.

None of this is news but think about this. Who are these writers? They must be barely literate. I mean who writes for Spencer? "I can't make you un- my sister."

Ok I'm bored, I think Joel sums it up best. 

Monday, August 25, 2008

Again, just to make you feel better about your sahweet life.

How's about I share some pics of the men in my life?

Here's one of my favorite son.... 

right before he whacked his dad in the crotch with a toy gun. Well what would you do if you found out it didn't shoot?

Here's one of my favorite cousin... 

right before he ran over an 'ol lady in hall with my grandma's motorized wheelchair. All my other cousins are big loosers... you think I'm kidding?

And here's a picture of my favorite brother-in-law. 

I know.

And I think I should mention that he had this shirt custom made. Like I said--- sahweeet.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Y'all Come Back Nah

Man, I really wish that I had had my camera ready at all times this week. Here's what I missed gettin' 

  • A red Corvette that said "teen dream" (dern, ah missed iet)
  • The horrified looks on my kids faces (before they burst into laughter) when  a sweet 'lil Southern girl tried to make friends. "Mom why is she talking like that?" Shea mumbled out of the corner of her mouth. My kids all get speech therapy at school so if they notice the English language being mutilated....
  • The 500 Family Dollar stores I drove past. Seriously, are they just dollar stores? If you have ever thought to yourself, "I wish there were more dollar stores in the area." I want to hate you because you are lame and buy junk, but I also sorta like you because that means that you don't live in a crappy part of town.
  • The hash I tried tonight. Mah daddy wuz bawn in Geogia, so I thought that I had tasted all artery clogging Southern food, but I had never seen this before. It looks like brown vomit over a bed of rice and it was made from unknown vegetables, unknown meat and unknown spices pureed all together.  Oh I still finished it. All of it.
  • Me drooling every time I saw a Waffle House which happened almost  as often as I saw the Family Dollar. Every time  you walk through the doors of a Waffle House your chances of getting food poisoning are about 50/50. If you get it-- too bad for you. If you don't-- mmmmm boy. I recommend the nicotine flavored pecan waffles.
  • The breathtaking historic plantation homes- that I caught a glimpse of in either Georgia or South Carolina. Sooo pretty.
  • Some guys making moonshine in a massive steaming pot in a trailer park, when I took a wrong turn somewhere in Georgia or South Carolina. Sooo awesome.   
Instead, all I got was a bunch of pictures of me and my lame friends, I am missing one tooth though so I guess I did get to capture a little bit of the South. 

Thursday, August 14, 2008

If My My Kids Were Chinese, They Would Be an Embarrassment to Their Country

Don't you just love the Olympics? I mean I reeeely reeely heart the Olympics. 


Don't stop reading. That wasn't what I came to say. I just wanted to show you this

Remember that adorable little Chinese girl (Lin Maioke) with the sweet little voice that sang the song "Ode to the Motherland" and flew through the air with the greatest of ease?

Turns out real singer was the voice of another girl (Yang Peiyi) who had won a "grueling music compeition" to perform in the ceremony. Too bad for her she had well,  buck teeth. So those Chinese people yanked her the night before the show and replaced her with a much prettier girl. 

I for one am glad. I mean has anyone ever introduced you to their kids and you have to physically control yourself from not making a John Lovitz noise (eeeeeuuughaye)? I hate it when that happens and I certainly don't want that feeling when I am watching the Opening Ceremony of the olympics. 

I have decided that my formula for the best TV Olympic experience is this: watch the Opening Ceremony, watch all of Michael Phelps' events, throw in a little triathlon and track, don't let your husband watch women's beach volleyball, and most important avoid women's water polo at all costs.

p.s. The fireworks were fake too.

edit: Just want to make it clear that the picture at the top isn't a racist thing, it's just a reference to the newest scandal. What's up with Europeans being rude to other cultures yo? And I'm not just talking about the Olympics. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

That last post was really lame-O

Um, excuse me, Angela is it? Are you trying to tell me that you spend several hours in Baltimore over the weekend and all you came home with was that stupid picture of a kid on a leash?

I know, right!

Not only was I in B-town, which is like crack-head USA but there happened to be a huge anime(that's japanimation for those of you living in the mid 90's) conference going on.

So instead of making fun of some lame kid with a monkey on his back (see below) I should have been sharing gems like this.


or this perhaps?

I would post a picture of a crackhead but that isn't funny that's sad. Well I guess it's kinda funny, silly crackhead, don't you know that you live in America where anyone who wants a job can have one? 
But if you think about it, grown adults dressing up as Japanese cartoon characters and going out in public-- well that's sad too.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Too Easy

Just a little pic to make you feel better about yourself as a mom.

Seriously. The primary emotion that motherhood evokes-- what is it?

Nooo it's not love

It's guilt.

Even if you are a perfect mother, there is way too much to feel guilty about. I am one of the worse moms I know so buhlieve me, I know about guilt. 

That's why when you see a kid on a leash (now be honest) you feel a little bit less guilty because  you can say to yourself, "at least I don't do that.

I mean sure I let my two year old lick my razor. (he had to learn sooner or later)

I'll admit I went a little overboard when I lost my temper and threw away their Easter candy on Easter afternoon. (but jeez they popped my air mattress.)

And I may have been a little selfish when I left my 4 pinkeye infected kids at the gym childcare to "play" with 75 of their "friends". (Sorry Stacey, Lacy, Lisa, Mary, Angela M. Becky, Alyson)

But I can sleep at night feeling ok about myself because at least I don't leash up my babies.

Thanks Em, for pretending to pose for the pic.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Is this an ad for a swim suit or an anorexia clinic?

 I was swim suit shopping today at the Roxy website and I found it! My dream body!

 I quick printed off in an 8X10 size and taped it on my fridge. Looking like this is going to be my goal and numero uno priority until I  get it. And I have to say that I usually get what I want. I would love to get your suggestions on how I can look like this. Also, I put the picture low enough so that my girls will see it. (They won't mind that I put the picture over their artwork and my inspirational quotes) But my 6 and 7 year old should start thinking about this kind of thing early you know? Should I take them off the swim team? I don't want them to bulk up! This is just the pick me up I needed to get through the rest of my week. Off to the gym!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Family Issues in a Nutshell

It all started at Jonah's Lacrosse practice when I started getting sick of taking pictures like this

I know, I know, I am such an awesome photographer. I am really getting into it. So if any of you want me to come over and take some pictures of your babies, I would love the practice!

But back to my story.

Then I looked up in the sky and took a picture of this.

So I quickly sent the picture to my family telling them about this really cool thing I saw that I wanted to share with them. And here is the exchange between me and my dad that resulted.

Angela:  Hey everyone, I just looked up in the sky and look what I saw! The one in the middle is the stealth bomber, it circled back on its own a second time really low and was totally silent and it looks paper thin-- incredible.

Bud: Very neat. I bet if you look you will find out there was an air show in the area. Did I tell you about the time I got to touch a stealth bomber?

Angela:  Nooo it wasn't an air show, it was just something super cool that I happened to see because I happen to live near a little town called Langley. 
              You are trying to ruin this for me.

Bud:  Are you sure it wasn't just a kite? They are super quiet and paper thin?

Angela:  This is just like the time I was 10 and won the blue ribbon at the at the science fair and you just patted me on the head and said, "Honey, I think you just found that on the ground."

Bud:  I was even proud of you for finding it on the ground!

Angela: My therapist is going to have a field day with this.

Bud: Shouldn't you be busy getting your "therapists" ready for church?

Angela: Those aren't "therapists," they are "toxic enablers"

Bud: Here is a picture I took when I recently went to a state fair.


Angela: Oh that is so fake there is no way you would ever see a goat that white.

I'll stop here because then the conversation started to get weird.