Thursday, December 18, 2008

Star Wars: The Musical story


I can't think of a worse idea for a musical.


On second thought, I bet I could think of a couple.

Let's see. mmmm. I've got it.


"Papa Pia"
A musical love story written to the music of the genius Rod Stewart (there is nothing I'd rather do than listen to Rod Stewart for Two hours.)

"Tsunamirama"
A story about the tragic Tsunami set to the music of Bananarama.

Hmm, I'll keep thinking.

Speaking of musicals, I was a bit of a theater-ista in my junior high days. I seriously had a lot of potential. A lot of people said that I reminded them of that girl on Savannah Smiles. (What can I say?) 

I had a mad crush on my drama teacher until he cast me as a munchkin/oz person in the Wizard of Oz. He sort of reminded me of Mr. G (see below)


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

My town can beat up your town


Remember my Halloween house? Well I must give credit where credit is due. We found that little gem at the tacky Christmas tree lights of Northern Virginia website.  Now I know your fun city that you love (but didn't necessarily choose to live in but that's where your hub got into grad school so you have to let us know how awesome it is) has a pumpkin patch, and like the best fireworks evah. But do you have lights as awesome as these?

We used to go see the Temple lights but we got tired of all the walking and sometimes live Nativities make me uncomfortable okay? So this tradition is much more my style. We take a tour to see the tacky Christmas tree lights of Northern Virgnina and then go to the sketchy Krispy Kreme in Alexandria. Here are our two favorite houses.

First


The picture doesn't really do this one justice. But the property is huge and they give a full on light show. Tune your radio to 88.1 and the lights are perfectly synchronized with the Christmas music that plays. It's like 23 minutes of entertainment.

Okay, here's the big enchilada.


Wait for it.


Wait for it.




Is there even a house in there?

A close up. $2g electric bill (I like to say g instead of thousand because it's gangsta)


the yard


A close up of the roof. 


We told the home owner it looked great and he said, "Come back next week and it'll be done."
I love it.


I dare you to top that.

Monday, December 15, 2008

New Rule for Peter



From now on, you are only allowed to have 50 pairs of socks in your drawer at a time. These are the ones I am throwing out. 
I'll let the Rocky and Bullwinkle socks stay on one condition. Stop wearing them to bed!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Traffico

Okay, there are two kinds of places in this country. Places where people pay attention to the weather reports, and places where people don't. 
Take for example Utah, where my ruts are. Why in the world do you need the weather report? Summer: it is either hot, or not that hot.  Winter: it will either snow today, or tomorrow. Fall: it's colder than it should be but whatever. And Spring: the forecast is that just when the sun comes out and I think I'll get a break from my seasonal affective disorder, BAM, another snowstorm. 
     
Ol' Virginy on the other hand is quite a different story. People listen to the weather (wait for it, wait for it-- you guessed it) religiously. There is a heat index, a humidity index. Rain, Fog, sleet, snow, tornadoes, everything you can think of. The wintry mix is my personal favorite. I thought just one guy made it up but it is a real weather term.

Once I was in Utah in December and my teen brother came into the room wearing shorts. At this point I had become a full fledged classy but condescending East coasterner. So I said, "Dallin, it's freezing outside, why are you wearing shorts?" Dallin looked at me like I was some kind of moron and said, "It's freezing and it's December, why would I ever want to go outside?" And that's when I realized something,  Dallin was wise and cool beyond his years. 

Oh wait, I wasn't going to talk about weather, I wanted to talk about traffic. I was telling some people about this traffic report. I think Stacey gave it to me. Listen to it. It'll make your day.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Thanks Camilla

I found this on Camilla's blog. It's a train wreck that I can't stop watching.  

I have only seen reactions this horrific two other times in my life. 

The first was from my ward in sacrament meeting when I was called to be the primary president.

And the second was from me the day I found out that Skippy was discontinuing their honey roasted crunchy peanut butter. 


Monday, December 8, 2008

Word of the Day



I can't decide if I think this word is funny or dirty. Say it over and over again and you'll see what I mean.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I'm suppossed to be blogging about Twilight right?

Twilight

Just read the book.

After reading this brilliant review.

I ran to see the movie as fast as my little (and by little I mean rock hard) legs could carry me.

Then I thought..

What a massacre.

But then I got an idea. I am going to make my own Twilight movie. Sort of an adaptation though. I'll call it "Twilight Down Under-- an Animal Vampire Love Story" (it's a working title).

So I've been doing a lot of research trying to cast my movie. Let me run some ideas by you.


Jacob: played by dingo (too easy).


Bella: played by Koala

But who could play Edward? Who who who?

Duh!

Kangaroo of course! The only problem is that Kangaroo doesn't like things on his back (as Peter and Sloane discovered. I'll have to re-write a few scenes and put Bella in Edward's pouch. Boy kangaroos have pouches right?)

But something about this Kangaroo didn't seem quite right for the part. 

I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

Until I saw this guy.



An albino Kangaroo? What the..
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Edward.

Paramount and Fox studios-- I just dare you to pass on this one.


Thursday, November 20, 2008

I'm off


So I'm going to Australia today. Yes. Today. I have had this trip planned for almost 6 months and it's finally here, I can't believe it. But you if there is one thing I have learned during my trip preparation conversations, it's that most of my friends are dumb. Here's how the conversations go.

Me: So our whole family is going to Australia for Thanksgiving.
Them: Wow! How long is the flight?
Me: 20 hours total. 5 to LA, 15 to Sydney.
Them: Ohmygosh with all your kids? You are "brave."
Me: I know
Them: Hey do you think you'll see a Kangaroo?

  Now here's the thing. If I wanted to see my family, I would go to Utah. If I wanted to go to a fun beach, I would go to Florida or California. If I wanted to go to a different country where people had funny accents, I would go to London. 

  Trust me, I am not going to sit on a plane for 20+ hours with 4 kids and a hubby (all of which have some gross stomach virus) just to see my family, sit on a beach, or hear a funny accent. 
  
  If I don't see a Kangaroo. No Wait. If I am not eating Kangaroo within hours of my arrival, I am going to be very disappointed. I want to box with a Kanga. I want my kids to ride and kiss one. I want Sloane to sit in a pouch. 





edit: Ok I was just trying to be funny when I said that thing about eating a Kangaroo, but guess what? I just found out that they actually have hot dogs made from Kangaroo meat. Get this they're called kanga bangas. This trip might be worth it after all.


How do you Measure?

What makes a good mom I wonder. I guess a good mother is measured by how their kid turns out. Take the following quiz and find out if you are a good mom.

1. Did your child learn to read before kindergarten?
2. Does your child wear only Gymboree clothing?
3. Do you read to your child every night?
4. Do you take your children to Disneyworld at least once a year?
5. Are your children incapable of fighting?
6 Do you have endless amounts of patience?
7. Do your daughters have bows in their hair at all times?
8. Do your daughters attend cheer camp?
9. Do your sons wear "future missionary" name tags?
10. Did you nurse for at least a year?
11. Have all of your children met all of the age appropriate developmental benchmarks?

Did I answer yes to all 11 questions? 

Does Kanye have too many sweater vests?

Seriously though, if you answered yes to all of these questions. Then you are not as much a great mom as you are a ticking time bomb. 

There is only one question you need to ask yourself if you want to know whether or not you are as good a mom as I am.

Can your kids make it to the toilet when they puke?

Abso-freaking-lutely 





even the four year old.

They're barfing their guts out.

And they make it every time.

Every single time. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Typical for a Teen, but a Dream for a Queen

Here's an interesting story I found from a very well respected and serious news website TMZ 
 Take a look at this beauty




I know breathtaking right? (Peter don't answer that.) Lindsey Evans holds the prestigious Miss Teen Louisiana Crown. Well at least she used to until she was stripped of her title for trying to pull the ol' dine and dash. 

He He, pretty sneaky right? Too bad poor Lindsey left her purse at the restaurant-- her purse full of pot that is. She was arrested when she went back to get it. 

Here's the kicker, she only had 10 days left on her reign. SWISH!

Britney and Jamie Lynn are celebrating over the news that there is someone in Louisiana dumber than they are. "Go Lindsey y'all!" 

Oh wait, this just in, Britney's just swallowed a snack pack (cup and all) and Jamie Lynn's managed to get pregnant again when the first baby hasn't even been born yet. 

Let's call it a tie.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Comments Dilema

So Spencer's cyber feud reminds me of the days of my own E-spat. I've been thinking about comments, our weapons of choice on the blogspot. Every time I look at my settings, I wonder if I should change them. As of now, I am open to all who have something to say. It sends a message that everyone is welcome here; the friendly and the spineless alike. The funny thing is is that the anonymous comments reveal much more about a person than any comment with a name next to it. Here are some examples of comments I've received.

fun and more fun

You're preachin' to the choir baby! I don't think I'm funny or normal, and I am totally aware of how few friends I have.

Wait, I take that back, I do think I'm pretty funny but at the same time I understand the fact that I am probably not actually funny to anyone else. I'm ok with that.

Now I'm not trying to dig  up things that are past, but with these eloquent words in mind, I have found the perfect model to follow when deciding what to do with my comments. 


My good friend Andrea even posted and empathetic comment on Paige's blog. I have been trying to post comments for days and they keep getting deleted. I haven't even been trying to say anything mean (and I know mean)!
 
What's the deal? 

She's a genius! That's the deal.

So here's my plan: 

  • No one anonymous allowed.
  • If you say something that I think is rude- I'll remove it.
  • If your post has words that are too big-- I'll remove it.
 
Ways to keep your post up on my blog. 
  • Comments about how pretty I am
  • Comments about how mean, mean people are
  • Good use of the word douche

Seriously though, I don't think you are a coward if you don't want to allow creepy anonymous comments. But if you write something on your blog, you have to own it.



Monday, November 10, 2008

Here's one to cheer you up.

At the begining, you'll think it's as unoriginal as my blog. But keep listening. 

Friday, November 7, 2008

Idea

 So I'm thinking of getting an intern. 
Katie Couric told me (personally almost) that the things a SAHM does are like worth over 100K. So what intern wouldn't want to get in on a piece of that right?
 
Have you SAHMs ever gone to a party where you are the only one in your profession? You tell everyone what you do for a living and get these weird looks and awkward silences? 

Whatever that look and awkward silence means (and I'm prrretty sure it's because of jealousy) I have the solution. I think that if I had an intern follow me around. I would have a little bit more cred yo.

 Oh the things an intern could learn from me. I'd take said intern to all my playgroups, game nights, and carpool routes. I'd force the intern to be totally caught up on about 12 TV shows. The intern would follow me around Target and save all Restoration Hardware catalogues. The intern would wait patiently outside the bathroom for about three hours a day, and outside the gym for another couple of hours (gym won't waive guest fee for interns.)

And that's just the stuff the intern would watch me do. So here's the best part. All of the crappy stuff I have to do as a MOM, I'd make the intern do!

People would ask, "Who's that with you?" And I'd say in a very important voice. "Oh that's my intern." They'd be so impressed.

Now accepting applications. 


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Talk about style!

So I had a couple of free hours at the mall the other day, which never happens. By the way, when I say free, I mean no baby, no errands to Gymboree, no screaming at kids to get their feet out of the indoor fountain. You know.
  And what was the first store I ran into? Not the two story Forever21, not the Apple store or Bloomingdales.

Well I'll just tell you that I saw this beauty.

I know to the untrained eye, this looks like one of those expensive Louis Vuitton bags right? Right I know! 
But look a little closer, those aren't little LV symbols. 
Oh,  um. 
No that's not it. 
What are they ?

Look closer.


J. C. with a cross.

You guessed it. I found this bag at my favorite Christian store. And I bought it in like two seconds. Because if you can't show people at church that you've got great taste, than where can you show it? 

Nothing says 'I have something to prove' like a knock off. But this is waaay better than a knock-off, because if people notice that it's not real, I can be like, "Oh of course it doesn't say Louis Vuitton. Jeez Man, where are your priorities?" 

Friday, October 24, 2008

Why I need a new doctor.




Not because I've never seen the same OB

Not because my orthopedic surgeon doesn't speak English.

Not because when I complained of chronic headaches, they told me it was because my ponytail was too tight.

Not because instead of sending you to the hospital for surgery, they send you to the surgery center-- and it's in the basement. There, you are surrounded by people who need knee surgery, eye surgery, hernia surgery. It's like chuck-o-rama. You can get everything all in one place. I went there once for a very unpleasant d&c (don't look it up if you don't know what it is-- trust me) and I started to come to-- from the anesthesia, only to see a man next to me coming out of the same fog. I don't know why he was there, but it involved something from the waist down if ya know what I mean.

No, I need a new Doctor's office because I went there yesterday and I parked next to this car.






There are so many things wrong with this picture-- but start by looking at the license plate. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Halla who?

Did I mention that I love Halloween? I love candy, I love fall, I love decorations.

The only thing I don't love about Halloween is teenagers. They don't know when to quit trick-or-treating. And also, when I was a teen myself. Every year my friends would say, "let's dress up as something really ugly for Halloween-- wouldn't that be funny?" So one year we decided to be really ugly white trash prom queens. Well guess who was the only one to took the "ugly" part seriously? You guessed it. The next year "ugly" farmers, then "ugly" vampire brides. After a couple of years, I figured out what was going on. You are supposed to dress hot but make it look like you are  trying really hard to look ugly, but you are so darn hot that it is impossible to look bad. It's an art form really. When a teen says, "Let's dress ugly-- I don't care what anyone thinks." What they really mean is, "you should dress ugly-- I don't care what anyone thinks about you." They were sort of lame friends I guess.
  So my point is, I put up my Halloween decorations. My house is about 1100 sq. feet--but it lives like 1500 really. A lot of people see it and say, "wow this house reminds me of one of those Daybreak houses." I'm like "thanks." Ahh how I love Daybreak (I'm serious.) But these decorations are waay better than anything anyone in D-town could ever come up with. 

Pictures of course.

From the front. 


Another angle of the front.



The yard. I am good at maximizing the use of space.


My power bill is a little higher this month.


The front porch.


And inside the porch.


Yes, it is all the same house. What can I say, it's a gift. I have a vision of what I want. I don't think about it. I just do it. And it turns out to be a masterpiece. Some people tell me that I am like the Halloween decoration version of Beethoven. Other people tell me that I am wasting time and energy and that they can't get any sleep because they live on my street. To those people I just smile and say, wait 'till Christmas sucka!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A lil advice

Dear SNL,
  I want to share with you my personal motto which is: Lay off the politics and stick to making fun of people. Now, this doesn't always work, sometimes it makes people mad. And sometimes it makes you look bad. But I think it pays off in the long run.
 If you have some spare time, you should totally watch this. This is what I'm talkin' about. 

First there was this sketch. 




See what I mean? Do more of that. Even if this happens.


But in the end-- everyone makes up and we are all better because of it.



Hey, Andrea lovers, Say hi to your mother for me.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Authenticity Awards

And the award for the most original Halloween costume goes to (drum roll) ME, for dressing my 4 year old boy as a Costco PowerRanger! Thank You Thank You. It took a lot of time and effort but I pulled it off.


How did I become such a sell out? As a young lass, I remember dressing up as a skunk, a Lacy the Pirate Wench, the Phantom of the Opera, and my personal favorite, an Italian person. And for what? So that Jonah could be a freaking Power Ranger? Gimme a break. 

P.S. I still need Halloween song suggestions (remember this post?) 

So Far,
 Cara and Jackson are winning with the scariest song. (that barbie song is terrifying) 
Jordan wins the cool down song
Camilla and T-dizzle are loosing- like real bad.  

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Shoulda Seen the Other Guy


This is what I get for judging those selfish selfish "working moms" for well, working, and putting their kids in day care. Meanwhile, I don't think twice about plopping  my babies in the gym childcare for hours on end while I do my thang.

LTF- I'm only going to say this once so listen good. Quit dropping my baby. Be more careful with my kids or you will be paying their plastic surgery and therapy bills.


Soooo, see you Monday? Thaaeenks.

xoxo 

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Decorating Ideas

So I've been wanting  to totally redo my boy's room. I had been drooling over the PB kids catalogue for months and I wanted to do something that 'J' will like, but more importantly, I wanted to do  something that sends a message about who I am. You know, a kid's room that says I'm; creative, trendy, wealthy, fun, pretty, skinny, oh and that I'm a good mom-- wait  make that the best mom. Then I wanted to take a picture of it to show you.

That's what I wanted to do.

But instead, I'll show you this super sweet 25 year old picture of Peter's room. He always talks about how great his room was when he was a young lad. A refuge from his 3 cruel cruel sisters. 





Note the American Indian pictures on the wall.
          The poofy 80's coat in the foreground.
  The "ghetto-blaster" on the headboard shelf. (sorry dad, I know you hate that term, but that's the 80's talkin') I can almost hear Debbie Gibson now.
           Super shag carpet.
           Levi's strewn about.
           And yes, a waterbed. (he'll tell you it was because of his asthma, but it is really because he was spoiled rotten. Weren't you always jealous of those kids whose parents were dumb enough to buy waterbeds for them?)

The alleged crisis

You know, there have been some interesting observations over the past week about the current "crisis." As I look and listen to the things going on and being said around me, I have decided a few things. First, if I hear the words "wall street" and "main street" in the same sentence again, I am going to go 'britney' on all y'all. It's not that clever, stop saying it.

Second, I only know of two people who have lost their houses because of bad mortgages and it wasn't because of  anything Wall Street did. It was more the fault of voodoo and porn, and being a sociopath. (it's personal, I don't want to get into it)

I think this SNL clip speaks volumes. You won't see it on the show, the sketch got pulled. I found it here. If there is anything I've learned in my long and flawless life, it's that there are three types of people you can never, never, never make fun of. 
   1. Liberals
   2. Stay at home moms with unoriginal syrup-y blogs
   3. Me






Saturday, October 4, 2008

Spooky Sweat


I'm getting ready to do my most famous spinning class of the year. It's my Halloween ride and it usually turns out a huge crowd. What can I say? I'm awesome. Can you help me think of any Halloween themed songs I haven't used? This is my 5th year doing it so I think I've used everything possible. Every year ends the same though. I say, "get ready, we're going to finish with the scariest song of all....." Then I play Britney. OOOOOOO Aaaahhhhhh. I told  you I was funny..... and awesome.

Seriously though, if you can find me a good song that I haven't used, I'll send you a copy of my spooky play list for your haunted workout pleasure. 

Camilla- I've used Thriller about a hundred times so think of something else.

Blog Search


In your stalking, can you find more than blog who posts pics of their new car? I can. Seems to be the thing right now. Sooo sad to say byeee to the Volvo but waaayye excited for the Audi!!!

Meanwhile in realityville-- I am getting strange men stopping me in random parking lots. Back in the good 'ol days strange men would stop me in the parking lot all the time because I was so hot (was being the operative word.) Now they stop me and tell me that they can get that dent out of the Odyssey for $130. That's not a pick-up line is it? Didn't think so.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Organic versus Convetional

Obviously-- organic on the right, conventional on the left. This is what I saw at Wegman's today.

seriously?


When Eliza was in preschool, her special-ed class went on a field trip to Whole Foods. The lady giving the tour asked the class teacher if she want her to teach the kids about the difference between organic and conventional. The teacher explained that that might be a little bit over the kids' heads and maybe she could just talk about how fruits and veggies are healthy. The Whole Foods lady shot the teacher an icy stare and then spent the rest of the hour keeping a safe distance from the kids because she didn't want to catch handicap. 
  Ever since then, I decided I would never shop and Whole Foods, never buy organic, and never recycle (just to really stick it too her.) But at the end of of the tour she gave out these incredible eclairs so I had to take back that thing about shopping at Whole foods. 
  Now after seeing the difference between organic and conventional, I might have to take that back too. You organic folks are really eating that much better than me?

You'll never get me to recycle. I'm standing by that one.



Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Standardized Tests

Today, Shea came home with a letter from the school announcing that they are starting standardized testing this week. 

Scary! I'll find out which one of my kids will need to start practicing the phrase "you want fries with that?" (with an accent of course)

But wait-- Ok, this is what the letter says about the test (known as the NNATest.)

"It is designed to assess ability without requiring the student to read, write, or speak."

Seriously? A test that can tell how smart you are without having to read, write or speak?

Is this possible?
Are they bringing in psychics?
Maybe they have some magical machine?
If anyone has any information about the NNATest or some magic beans, I would like to talk to you asap. (I have quick question about time travel.)

Now I have to tell you that about 20 years ago, Fifth grade Peter's parents got a letter from John's Hopkins. It basically said, "we think your son is a genius and we would like him to take the SAT." So 9 year old lil Pete, took the SAT. A few months later, another letter came. It basically said, "never mind." If only they would have had the NNATest back then, things would have turned out so different for you Pete, so so different.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

No one thinks I'm funnier than I do.

So have you ever wondered what would happen if you decided to reorder checks at 1:30 in the morning after a late dinner of sketchy Indonesian food? 

No? Never? Not even once?

Well, this one night Pete and I were feeling particularly slap-happy and,well, this is what happened.


Cowboy checks!  Aren't we hil-arious? We couldn't stop laughing. And even better, it came with a free checkbook cover. Wanna see?





I know! You're dying aren't you!

Only when the checks came, Pete didn't really think they looked quite so funny in real life. And when we write checks we are sort of embarrassed. Either that or a cowboy/horse lover sees the checks and is like, "Oh these are cool! Are you from the West? Do you love horseback riding too?" And we have to lie and say because we don't want to make said cowboy/horse person feel bad. I mean no one likes to be made fun of. I used to think that just some people like to be made fun of, but I was wrong. It's no one.

Here's the thing though. You know how you think you are really really funny at 1AM and then the next day you think about it, and it isn't even funny anymore? Well, here's my curse. I think I am that funny all the time. It really is tough to deal with. Have you ever told a joke and everyone starts laughing, and then they stop and you are still laughing so hard that you can't talk for like 5 more minutes. Well it happens to me almost daily and it is really embarrassing. I try to stop by thinking about something sad like dead puppies or the mortgage crisis, but I usually end up laughing even harder. I know the checks probably aren't really funny but I am laughing out loud looking at them and thinking that I am going to order Happy Kwanzaa checks next time (talk about funny.)
Man, I'm about to pee my pants, I gotta go.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

More thoughts on my storage room

Hey,  Anybody have one of these sitting in your storage room/garage collecting dust?

Didn't think so.



Do any of you have a kid who would throw a toy microphone at one of these? (42 incher by the way.) 

Didn't think so

You know what happened? It shattered okay? Leave me alone.

My dilema isn't what I should do with my son (although it probably should be.)

No, I can't figure out what to do with the TV. It's been sitting here for over a year. It doesn't look broken unless you turn it on. I am only a half a step too honest to return it to Costco. (weird, I know) I am too proud to bring it out to the trash on garbage day, my neighbors haven't caught on to the fact that I have no mothering skills and I'd like to keep them fooled a bit longer. 
Seriously though, what could you use this for? Do you think anyone would buy it off craigslist for target practice? Or to display in their home like for an open house or something? I know it's a stretch (but you and I both know that stranger things have been solicited on craigslist-- well I wouldn't know, I've just heard)

Any ideas? Anyone?

Friday, September 26, 2008

We're still on top of the food chain right?

So cleaning out my storage room today involved disposing of about a quarter cup of mouse droppings. Really! 


I can't believe that mice are going around pooping and humans are cleaning up after them. There is something really wrong here. 

I mean, did we loose a war? Seriously. That's not America! That's not even Mexico.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Happy Birthday Pete

Well I think this is the post where I wish my husband a happy birthday and show some pictures of the two of us in Times Square or something. Then I'll go on and on about how easy he is to live with and what a perfect person he is. 

But I know you didn't come here for that did you.

Instead I'll tell you my favorite most recent Peter story. I think pretty much all of you have heard it because I love to tell it. 

So one night I am laying in bed dozing off while Pete is going through his night time ritual (you know, waxing, exfoliating) and I hear him say, "Hey Ang how tired are you?"

I hate it when he asks me that question.

I open one eye and see him walking toward me, looking like he's getting ready to take off his pants.

"Uh, I'm prrretty tired Pete." I reply suspiciously.

"Well I just want to show  you something." continuing with the pants.

"Peter,  seriously I was asleep just now."

To my relief, he just wanted to show me this abnormal lump protruding from his lower stomach "area."

"Do you think it's a hernia?" He asks. "They run in my family."

"I don't know, you should call the Dr. in the morning."

"Yeah, you're probably right." he pauses, "So baby, how tired are you?"

"Good night."

"Oh ok, good night."

So a couple of weeks go by and-- you guessed it. Peter had not called the doctor. Finally, I dialed the doctor's office and handed him the phone.

As the phone was ringing, I thought, "Should I tell him how to phrase his delicate issue? I mean, do I have to tell him to say that he has a lump in his abdomen so that he doesn't say something weird or creepy? No, he's an attorney, a master with words. He won't say something dumb."

Shoulda known.

The nurse answers the phone and Peter blurts out,  "Uhh,  I have a big lump in my crotch!" 
 
One of my proudest moments as his wife.

Long story short, it was a hernia and he needed surgery. An operation for which he probably should have spend at least a day in the hospital. But our ghetto insurance has this surgery center in the basement which is practically a drive through. (Think Dr. Nick from the Simpsons.) So I dropped him off at 6 am and he was all sewn up and "ready" by 9. 

I go to pick him up. The "nurse" hands me a typed up sheet with the doctor's orders, says to me, "What ever you do, don't make him laugh."  and forces Peter into a wheelchair.

A couple of hours later, Peter is at home in bed doubled over in pain. I wasn't sure what to do. 

"What does that dr's orders paper say?' Peter moans.

I grabbed it and started reading out loud.

"No bathing for 12 hours." 

"Take ibuprofen or vicoden every 4-6 hours as needed."

" F U in two weeks."

"Eff You in two weeks?" I giggled. "What the heck?"

"Get Out" he whispered.

Happy Birthday Pete.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Chuck Norris Can Slam a Revolving Door

Whenever I am having a bad day I do one of three things. The first one involves large amounts of refined sugar and a spoon. The second one involves crying in the shower for three hours.

The third one involves Chuck Norris.

You guessed it.

I just think of my favorite Chuck Norris Facts and I know I'll be ok.

What? You don't know any Chuck Norris facts? Here are a few.

  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity-- twice.
  • Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once, he will roundhouse you in the face.
  • The opening scene of "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
  • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
  • Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris, just to be on the safe side.
  • There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
  • Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
  • Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
  • Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around him.
  • Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
  • Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
  • If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  • There is in fact an "I" in Norris, but there is no "team".... not even close.
Ahh, See I feel better already.

p.s. Ask Peter how awesome my roundhouse kick is. Seriously. It is.



Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Alec Baldwin-- the only liberal who totally gets me.


Let the new television season begin!

I am officially ready to ignore kids, and turn on the TV!

And can I just say that I liked 30 Rock before it was cool to like 30 rock? 

And I have always loved Alec Baldwin-- that's right I said always.

You guessed it. When Baldwin left a nasty message on his daughter's cell phone, I was totally on his side.

Now I don't know the personal details of what is going on in his family. And I don't know what kind of a person Kim Basinger is (I have a pretty good guess though) But I'll tell you what I do know, Ok, well I'll tell you two things I do know. 

1. Divorces are messy and they totally distort the appearance of things.

2. I know what teenagers are like.

Come on. Don't try to tell me that Ireland Baldwin and I are the only people on the planet who have been called rude thoughtless little pigs. And if you have truly never been called that, then you are definitely lying if you try to tell me that you've never acted like one.
The nerve of a teen's parents to pick them up two minutes late from cheer practice, or show up two minutes early for that matter. And what's up with them bringing Dominoes when we specifically requested Papa Johns? Who was it that said to be adolescent is to live the life of a delusional child star? Bingo!
In my adolescence, I could only get away with about two minutes of diva-itis before being screamed at in the car, in private. Catharsis at every stoplight! And that was like 100 years ago. So what, you can't even yell at kids anymore? What if it's the only way stop their petulant little thumbs from texting?
I'm with ya Alec, can't wait to see you again.



Monday, September 15, 2008

Memoirs of a Footsa

I'll admit, I secretly liked the dirty, steamy parts of Memoirs of a Geisha. The rest of the book was pretty good too.

If you agree with me (even a little) and want to keep it that way-- then please for the sake of your pretty bubble, close this window now.

No?
Still Here?

I warned you.

Remember the fabulously detailed descriptions of how those gorgeous Geishas looked? The exquisite kimonos, dramatic makeup, lavish hair and accessories> Oh I just loved it.

And who can forget those shoes. Admittedly uncomfortable but so small and petite-- the ultimate symbol of femininity. Right? What a lovely picture Arthur Golden paints for his readers.

Hey Golden! I've got a few pictures for you!








 
Steamy?

Hey Pete hows about givin' me a little foot rub tonight?

I'll never think those Geisha's in the same way again. 

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Gotta Have it!

Have you ever turned on the TV at around 4 AM and gotten sucked into watching like the stupidest infomercial ever? You know they are selling crap, and you know everyone on the show is an actor, but you can't change the channel and 45 minutes later you find yourself screaming at the TV, "JUST TELL ME HOW MUCH IT COSTS AND HOW I CAN GET IT!" 

In the back of your mind,  you still sorta know it's junk but you have to have it.

That happened to Peter once, he was obsessed with this.





He watched a 2 hour infomercial this one day instead of going to work. When I came home and found him on the couch instead of in his office I said, "What the heck is going on here?" His only reply was, "This is so awesome, we have to get this, it is only sixty dollars and you get all this stuff, and I will make dinner all the time because it only takes 30 seconds to make soup and scrambled eggs and I am totally going to start working out again because the magic bullet makes the most delicious protein shakes!"

I don't remember what my reaction was because everything went kinda fuzzy and 
then black But I do remember that he went to work four hours late without being the proud owner of the Magic Bullet.

He sulked for a couple of weeks and spent hours and hours watching TV searching for the Magic Bullet, but never did see that infomercial again so he didn't know how to get it.

Then he suddenly started spending large amounts of time on craigslist. Hmmm. 

Tip: if your husband spends large amounts of time on craigslist better make sure you don't see the word "personals" in your internet history. Lucky for me, my husband isn't some weirdo--he just wanted to make me salsa in 30 seconds, awww.

I'm sure you've guessed the how the story ends. Peter buys the Magic Bullet off of craigslist and gets a "sweet deal." Unfortunately, Pete has yet to cook dinner and the Bullet has yet to change his life.


P.S. Did you know you can buy the Magic Bullet at Costco for like $20 less than what Pete paid?



The moral of the story is, if Pete wants to buy something silly off of an infomercial, don't be a jerk, just let him get it. If you don't, you may end up like me, a year later obsessed with this.

 










You must be insane if you don't understand why the pedegg is a must have.
Click here and watch the video--you'll see. Have you ever known anyone with an Australian accent to be wrong?

My birthday is coming up but I went so bizerk about the Bullet that I am too ashamed to ask for it.

Poor Angela.


Friday, September 12, 2008

Glad to see you came back!



I am so glad to have met so many good, honest, and supportive friends within the last two days. I really love you guys (saying in a high about to cry voice). 


I'll tell you what! You all are just the types of BFFs I  want to take swim suit shopping. No seriously! Good people that are honest and supportive. Oh, but wait! I forgot the most important thing, 
never take someone thinner than you swimsuit shopping. 


So come along with me, will you help me pick out the perfect bathing suit for next summer? Now give me your honest opinion, which one will flatter me the most?


I've finally found the swimsuits I've been looking for. These are modest and highlight the face rather than the body. Here are my choices.





 

What? You want your own? Ok here is the website. Only if you get the purple one, please don't plan your Lake Powell trip during the first week of August. How embarrassing would that be if we were seen at the same place and at the same time!



Thursday, September 11, 2008

My first (and hopefully only) serious post

I've recently been in a bit of a cyber scuff that has led me to realize that I need to clarify what I am doing here on this blog. 

I decided to start it after stumbling upon a blogger who was offended by seriouslysoblessed because it mocked Mormon culture. First of all, I was aghast that this girl thought that the world of SAHM Mormon bloggers represented Mormon culture. A world-wide organization of 13 million people, represented by her and her little blog. That's confidence. Actually, it's hubris. And it bothered me. But what really upset me is how perfect this girl made her life out to be. She said that she had never fought with her husband. Her children were angelic. Her blog was peppered with pictures of a spotless house that looked like it was straight out of a Pottery Barn catalogue.  The more I read, the more depressed I got.  And when I jumped to the other blogs linked on hers, I saw much much more of the same. It seemed to me that these blogs were nothing but a forum for skinny pretty girls with good looking husbands with good jobs to show their friends and any other poor schleb who happened to stumble across their blog, how perfect they were. Well, what that girl didn't get was: 

SSB is not making fun of Mormon culture, it's making fun of her

I love my faith. But one thing I struggle with has nothing to do with my faith and everything to do with this culture of comparison that has been created.  

Don't you dare confuse the two.

It is not "Mormon culture," but there is a culture that some Mormon women subscribe to that I think is wholly destructive and damaging to so many women. Let's face it, Mormon women are incredible at so many things. But too often being great and being competitive go hand in hand. Why do women feel so much pressure? And why do they put that pressure on each other? You have to be the best mother, you have to be the best wife, the best cook, the best decorator. And you have to do it all while being a size 2 and wearing stilettos.

If you have a blog, you blog surf/stalk (call it what you want). I really don't spend a lot of time doing this, but whenever I do, I see impeccably designed blogs by women and mothers who don't fight with their husbands, love their life all the time, can afford incredible vacations, post pictures of clean houses, perfect birthday parties, and beautiful children with every hair in place.

Now I'm not dumb (apparently I'm not funny either). I know that no one wants to read a blog about someone's every disappointment and frustration--that would be depressing. I also know that many of you really are just sharing fun things and good news with friends and family. But if you are one of the blogs I am talking about, you are putting your slice of perfection in a public sphere like this for everyone to see. And you have to understand, the effect is that a lot of people see your representation of your family and it makes them feel bad because they don't have a perfect life and inevitably compare themselves to you. 

What is even more tragic is that when you feel pressure to be all these things, you change what is important to you. Case in point: In my little cyber spat, nearly all of the 80 plus responses that weighted-in on the side of my "cyber opponent" reassured her that she was a better person than me. Response after response was the same. I must be a bitter middle-aged woman, unhappy with my own life, a terrible mother, a bad Mormon. And my favorite, I must be ugly. (One of these detractors said, after viewing my Facebook page, "I didn't expect you to be pretty." Doesn't that speak volumes?)

Am I any of these things? Sometimes, and I'm not afraid to admit it. And I hope this blog will encourage and protect other women who may also sometimes be sub-par mothers, unhappy, middle-aged, ugly, but are better than me because they have rejected these pressures and decided to focus on what really matters.

I am a bit more caustic than the author of seriouslysoblessed. Some people think it's funny, some don't. But that's who I am.  Its the style I use to try in a small (and sometimes clumsy) way to change what I think is very destructive behavior among people who should know better than to be doing that to each other.  How sad is it that Utah consumes more antidepressants per capita than any other state? 

However, I do regret the hurt feelings I've caused.
I have not actively tried to be hurtful.  
I will not single people out.
And I sure as hell won't do it to someone who has 80+ blog links and 1200 facebook friends. 

But I will have fun blogging and at least trying to be "funny." Sometimes it will be at the expense of others, but that's my way.  

I do believe in being real and genuine. I am not going to pretend I'm something I'm not.

It's about Authenticity.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Awww Poor Pete.



I'm not saying I believe in Karma. I'm just tellin'  you that when you buy your second and third bikes within a year of each other, something like this is bound to happen.

The Patriots half ironman, instead of being dominated by Pete, was dominated by hurricane Hannah. 

Bummer

But Pete didn't let that get 'im down. Instead, he poured himself into his spandex and hot pink cycling shirt (oohh baby) and decided to ride his bike to work as fast as his little legs could pedal him. Too bad a sharp corner and pile of logs had other plans for my man. 

Double Bummer


This is the only pic I have that isn't NSFW (like anyone with a real job sees this blog) but if you'd like to see the real good stuff.....

Hey, Michelangelo--this is what a real man's leg looks like in case you want to know.

Pete, shoulda shaved your hinie too I guess.

Don't let Pete's sisters know he shaves his legs, they are real mean to him and he'd never live it down.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Mu Goo Gai Help Me!



All I want is some decent Chinese food. Is that too much to ask?

Seriously, I am surrounded by Asians, where do they go in Vienna when they want chinese take out?

I have managed to get great Viet, Korean, Thai, Japanese even Indonesian food here. But the best Chinese place I have found obviously changed owners because news flash: YOU DON'T PUT PEPPERS AND CHERRIES IN GENERAL TSO'S CHICKEN! 

I mean it, if you have any suggestions, please let me know. But if you say, try New China King, Hunan Tasty, or Lo's, I might punch you in the neck.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Namaste

This morning I was teaching my spinning class (aka flexing my rock hard quads and pretending to be a real athlete). Anyway, I have this great punjabi remix of a Nelly Furtado song (seriously - click on it then come back to me. It's the best song you've heard in a while, I don't care what kind of music you like.) and I realized something. I never even saw a real Indian person until I was 15 and it was when I went to France. Before that, the closest I had come to seeing an Indian (from India) was Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom. 
These two Indian sisters (we spoke only French to each other) fed me the best chicken I've ever had and then showed me one of their Indian musicals.

Tip: Make friends with the meat eating Indians.

If you have never seen an Indian movie, here is a sample. They are all musicals.




Tip: If you think you do a sweet impression of a Bollywood musical, don't do it within the first five minutes of meeting and Indian. There is no way they'll think you are as funny as you do. Plus they might be Pakistani

Anyway, little did I know that 5 years later I would be staying in Malaysia with Sanjiv's parents, (a trip that would give me a permanent phobia of hot dog sized cockroaches) trying to keep his mother from feeding my three-month-old baby a raw egg.

Tip: If  you take a baby to a developing country, go ahead and let the homeless people kiss her on the face. For some reason they seem a lot cleaner than American homeless people.

And now here I am 10+ years later. I know that curry is a sauce (not a spice dummy). I know that in India, if you are half-way smart, you go to the States and become an engineer. If you are stupid, you should just be a lawyer or a doctor or a realtor (that was not a joke-- well the realtor part was). I know that from just one Indian's name, another Indian can tell what part of India they are from, what language they speak, and what caste they belong to. And I know that there will always be samosas at Shivani and Vikram's birthday parties. 

Sanjiv, Abinav, Anshul, Vikram, Shivani, and Tamiguptadiptivishnushivahamnimshica, you've changed my life.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

She has a Pregnant 17 year old!

Just kidding, that's not what I want to talk about because I would like to post something original. If you want to read a SAHM's oh so humble opinion about that, click on one of the blogs to the right, I'm sure my lame friends have plenty to say. 

So remember back towards the tail end of the writers strike when the talk shows started coming back? Well, I read (yes, I read) an article that talked about which talk show writers actually write their own material, and which ones just read and repeat what they've been given in a funny way. It was painfully obvious during the silly strike. 

People who don't write their own stuff: Leno (duh) Letterman (who gets credit for being funny because of his good suits and weird teeth) and John Stewart (I know--he had me fooled too!)

People who do: Conan O'Brian, Steve Colbert.

Now The Conan O'Brian Show is on at like 1 in the morning. I watch it all the time because let's face it, I don't have a real job to get up for the next morning-- I generally spend my day watching more TV with a bag of chocolate chips in one hand and a jar of Skppy's in the other. Then when Pete comes home, I act all stressed like I've been busy molding young minds and stuff. But back to my point, Conan is past your bed time, you can tivo him ya know. If you already do that and want something more-- have you read his commencement speech at Harvard?

He really is a genius. 

Ok, now get the young kids out of the room and watch this next clip. Colbert isn't bad either. Thanks for sharing and helping us get to Hell faster Susan.